Confession: It's too damn hot for this

Does anyone know why its so damn hottttt outside??? And why i wasn't able to find a replacement car for myself before it got this hot and I had to walk in it? Does anyone know?

No?

*Sigh*

Aight then.

Isayahism #482657

Isayah: Ma, OMG, you will not believe the day I had in school today! Ok. I have good news, good news, and the best news. Which do you want first?

Me: Gimme the good news first.

Isayah: Ok. The good news is TOMORROW'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!

Me: Ok, lol. What's the good news?

Isayah: Ok. The other good news is our teacher is feeding us McDonald's for breakfast tomorrow, then we're doing fun projects in Language Arts, then it's PIZZA PARTY TIME!!!

Me: *gasp!* Are you gonna save me a slice?? *salivating already*

Isayah: Mom. You're, like, old. I'm in the 4th grade, and the pizza party is only for our 4th grade class.  I mean, we'll be leaving school at 11 o'clock anyway. do you honestly think i could save you a slice of pizza and not eat it before you get home at 5:30?? do you know how much I like to EAT?? *eye roll*

Me: *Gas Face* Hmph.

Confession: Sometimes I want OFF of this ride!

A few weeks back, I got the news that my job could be ending soon. I spent that entire day walking around in a daze of confusion, panic, and anxiety. Instantly, I had at least 136 questions: What would I do? Where would I go? What about not having a degree? Would that limit me even further? Would I have to start over from scratch?? "I'm too OLD to start over from scratch!!" wailed my inner grown up. How would I make it? When had I gotten so comfortable in this job that I'd stopped looking?? Fear, anxiety, guilty, MORE FEAR, worry, shame, and discombobulation all began to converge on my psyche at once. In total, I was a mess. A HOT ass mess. I had already been feeling depressed, had stopped wearing makeup regularly, and hadn't been out socially in months really. I didn't need this. LOL.

My relationships were in just about the same state. I had no boyfriend, every guy I met that I was really into disappeared without a word, my friendships had become awkward and stagnant, and I had lost most of the connections I had with people. After a while, i just didn't want to be bothered with anyone, even Isayah at times. So, I took a vacation. Preparing for a vacation (my first as an adult, might I add) was stressful but it provided a much needed distraction. Once I boarded the plane to sunny Miami, I immediately felt a little better. In hindsight, I realize how much pressure I put on Miami to make me feel better, to be the cure-all for what ailed me at the time. (Poor, poor Miami, LOL) I thought I would go to Miami, get some sun, get a great tan, flirt with cute boys, and eat some great food. I'm not much for the beach or the pool, but I certainly anticipated lying out next to one (or both). I thought that all of it would combine to clear my head and make things a bit easier to figure out.

What actually happened was a few things.

First, I discovered that you should not go to Miami without a transportation plan. Walking IS A SETUP. Let me say that once more for the people who speed read: WALKING, IN HOT ASS MIAMI, IS A SETUP. Rent a car. Rent a bike. Rent a fucking Vespa for all I care. Just...rent something other than cute new flip-flops.


Second, i discovered that Miami, outdoors, is not Big Girl friendly.  I'll admit it. I've gained a few pounds since this time last year and I've not attempted to reduce them in the least. Knowing I was going to Miami, i should have, but didn't.  The constant walking , coupled with the heat (no wonder their team is called The Heat) and (the subsequent friction and chafing of) my new thunder thighs did not make for fun times. I'd tried to jazz things up by wearing a two piece bathing suit --consisting of a tankini and boy short bottoms-- instead of the traditional one piece. Big mistake. I was CONSTANTLY tugging the top up, and the bottoms down. Apparently my boobs had a growth spurt without my permission and forgot to put me on notice. Yes, i did try it on before I bought it, smart ass, but somehow it ended up different once I actually wore it to the pool. Next time, pay the money and get the cute one piece from Newport News.  My self esteem will certainly fare better next time in that bangin' one piece after I've seen half of The Americas strolling around super thin and half ass naked than it did on this trip.
My wardrobe plan was to wear nothing but maxi dresses, and my bathing suit. Let's just call that what it was: #epicfail. The dresses were long and HOT. The suit made me look (and feel) bigger and lumpier and more awkward than I can ever remember feeling. I'd thought I had a pretty decent self-esteem before this trip. Um, yeah. My self-esteem was a stranger to me by Day 2. I felt old, unattractive, and overweight. I became paranoid that everyone else was secretly feeling and thinking the same way but didn't care enough to even mention it. I felt...overlooked...and dismissed.

Third, I discovered that a vacation is just that: a break. It is not a cure. For anything. NOTHING. It is time spent in a (possibly) different place, doing (hopefully) different things, with (maybe) a different group of people.  That's all it is. It's not really designed to help you have breakthroughs...unless of course you needed a breakthrough about where to relocate to, and you discover that your vacation spot is where you now want to LIVE, and you luck up and find employment AND housing while you're there. Otherwise, your problems will be right where you left them when you return home, sitting patiently on the other side of the door like a loyal puppy who missed you while you were gone. In fact, if your problems are anything like puppies I've had in the past, then they probably caused more trouble and made more of a mess of things while you were out neglecting them. *smh* Needless to say, my head wasn't clear. I actually left with about five problems, and came back--FROM VACATION--with about 12. Only I can pull that off.


Sigh.

The following week, I got the news about my job. *whispers* Damn.

Negative thoughts are like crack: once you start, it's kinda hard to stop.
(*Disclaimer: I have never smoked cracked in my entire life. That's just what I heard. LOL.* )
I was an emotional wreck, the negative thoughts wouldn't stop, and I was running out of money.  I spent way too much money in Miami so I had to tap into my savings upon my return home. My job was cutting my part time pay (I cleaned the office) so my income would be short, henceforth.

It was time for a serious hiatus. I turned my phone off, closed down all communications with FB and Twitter, and I stopped responding to texts and emails. I got cursed the hell out for that last move, so I just responded to folks that i was lying low and would hit them back when I resurfaced. I don't even remember how long ago that was. But, if you go back and look at some of my most recent posts, it won't be hard to tell when it all started going south, lol.

This is such an emotional roller coaster I'm on. It would be nice to get off and ride a smoother ride for a while.

Confession: it's pandemonium in here!

Maaaaaan, W.I.T.H????

Let me just preface this by saying I have NEVER, not EVER, been with a company that dissolved into nothingness so this is all very very VERY new to me. When we all got the news that our buyout wouldn't go through, everyone was understandably shocked but prepared. Business was going on as usual, which was strange to me, but I just went with it. That said, over the past few days, there has been increasing tension between my boss and the current owner. The owner (in Germany) keeps calling demanding that we pay him money, threatening to fire everyone (ha!), cursing everyone out, etc. My boss has stopped taking his calls, but he won't stop calling, lol. So every time he calls and we say "____ is unavailable/at lunch/on the phone" he screams "i know he's there, you BASTARDS!! put him on the phone!!"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The problem is, at the inception of this company, the owner (and his company) loaned my boss $xxx,xxx but piled on so much interest that in paying the company back, the company is now bankrupt. And the loan still isn't paid off. so, they wanted us to work for free until the loan was paid off. *yeah right* That's when we found a potential buyer. The buyer would have to take over the debt we owe to our vendors but would not make a single loan payment to our parent company.  The owner doesn't like those terms so he's refusing to sell...hence our bankruptcy. Now, the owner has gone into the company's bank account, input the password incorrectly 3 times, and locked everyone out.  He doesn't even know that my boss is deeming it a layoff so we can collect unemployment. Nor does he know that my boss has opened a separate bank account, sold off most of the property in the building to pay us our vacation days/severance, and been interviewing for other jobs. The owner didn't want us to have ANYTHING as we left, not until he got all his money. He doesn't think we deserve payroll, vacation days, severance, nothing--until he's paid back. he thinks that, when this is all over, my boss will come back to Germany and work for him for free until the balance is paid.

OCD guy's last day is Friday, but i wish you all could be here to see his OCD flare ups when things get intense. IT IS HILARIOUS!!! (seriously, its not funny, but *giggling*. no offense to those of you who are also OCD, i promise) My boss has already drafted lay-off letters for us, and he let us pick our own last day (mine is next Friday). Now everyone just kinda shows up when they want to, takes calls when they want to, return calls/emails...or not. My boss won't pay anymore bills, or take anymore orders from our customers but won't even let them know..he's just directing them to the owner for answers. On top of all that, my computer was attacked by a virus yesterday morning, so I haven't been able to do much work anyway. *smh* All this sh*t is crumbling around me, LOL. The owner seriously thinks that we're going to forfeit our own money and go down with his ship, just to pay back INTEREST on a loan. Seriously. It's just unfathomable.

this morning, he brought in donuts and invited everyone to "breakfast" for our final farewell, lol. He said "i think the owner won't fire you until last, Alandria. He will need someone to pack up all this crap leftover in the office and ship it wherever he needs it to go. So, I'm leaving to take my family on vacation to Germany. Good luck to you."  I was sure to let him know that, when he leaves, I LEAVE. Period. He just chuckled. I think he was laughing because he thought i was joking. As hot as it is outside these days, ain't no way in HELL I'm walking to and from work if I don't need to.

Maybe I'll take my family on vacation too.

Confession: I'm sick of transition ALREADY

Already, it's on my nerves. So many choices, decisions, too many thoughts at once. I changed my mind, lol.

What's funny is that I've looked forward to turning 30 for so long under the assumption that once I became a 30 year old, I would magically be 'grown and sexy', have all the answers, and somehow have a "different" wand suddenly waved over me...without having to do much work....I would be all grown up. #whowasIreally?

Being 30 has taught me a few things. First, I've learned that there are no easy answers, so my quest to find the quick answers, quick solutions, quick ANYTHING really needs to stop N.O.W. In fact, the sooner I can bring that desire to a halt, the better. For everybody. Second, I've learned to empower myself and to not wait for permission to live the life I want to lead. More to the point, I don't NEED permission to make my choices. A sub lesson from this is that it's okay to disagree with those I love because everyone won't always agree with my choices. And they don't have to. I can still love them, talk to them, don't have to disown them, leave the relationship, or take it so personally that I get angry and dismissive. I have the distinct ability to tap into my power as a woman, as a mother, as a child of God, as a human being, and to create almost anything my puny human brain can conjure up, lol. It is real. It's not just hippie blathering that self-help authors write about to sell unnecessary books. The last thing I've learned so far, by far the most important, is to forgive. Namely, myself. To try giving the benefit of the doubt sometimes and not be so quick to condemn.  This last one is certainly a work in progress, but I must say that its alot better operating from a place of love and forgiveness than a place of darkness and anger like I used to.

Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is dark. Life is FULL of light. Its so many things, and nothing at all really. In the grand scheme of time, our lives are (seriously) but an instant. Only a hundred years, if we're lucky. time will march on without us once we're gone from this life, for sure. I don't get a choice of what planet to inhabit, what God made me look like when he created me 30 years and 9 months ago, or how senior citizens drive, but I do get to choose how to design my little bit of life for the time that i'm here.  I get to choose what to aim for, and why. I get to change my mind if i rethink a choice and opt for something different. It's not the easiest thing I've ever done, and navigating the waters of how to make the best decision for myself and my family isn't always a 4th of July cookout with the perfect breeze, but I can decide to use it to my advantage...or not.

All that said, I do feel...different. I am aware that there is a change taking place inside of me. For so long, I begged and pleaded for the motivation/inspiration/whatever you call it to be able to move forward, become a different (read: better) person, and leave my past way WAAAAAAY behind me. i thought having a degree would do it. Or being single would do it. Or having a car, a job i held for more than 1 year, or any number of other things. And I was dead serious. Sadly, I was completely on the wrong track.
Now, i feel a calmness that previously eluded me. I feel like I know I have decisions to make about certain things in my life, important decisions that will change my life's course. But, unlike in the past, I feel okay with taking my time to think, rethink, and make a good choice instead of just rushing to do something because I feel I have something to prove to the world. I do have a lot on my mind, but I'm not forcing myself to produce results in a day. Even God took 7 days; I can take a little time.

I always thought i would use/abuse my 20s, make all the bad choices and mistakes just to get them outta the way so that by the time I turned 30, I could live "the good life, free of mistakes and bad decisions". It sounds ludicrous now that i see it in print, lmao! But, again, i was dead serious (and half right). I DAMN SURE abused my life in my 20s. LOL. I've been around the block for 15 years now; I think it's time to put some of that knowledge to use. Good use.

That's what I plan to do with 30. I'm almost ready.

Confession: Transitions scare me

into nothingness sometimes. A few weeks ago, my boss informed all of us that our little company isn't doing so well financially, and that our jobs are in jeopardy. Not immediate jeopardy, but soon enough, we would all need to have something else locked down. He explained that we "have time" (read: a few months) but that we should definitely start looking. A few days later, he comes to me, jumping for joy (literally) because one of our customers has offered to buy us out of our partnership with our mother company, which meant we would be able to keep our jobs. He asked if I would stay and work for him if that merger went through. i told him that I would. No one's spoken of it since then. I made the decision to stay because 1. I'm loyal to my boss and this company, because he has been loyal to me as an employee, and 2. Low salary aside, this job is the perfect job for me and I hate to walk away from it.

Fast forward to this week, just this past Monday. I started reading some new books and one of them really made me think about my ideals and values and standards for my life. I began to wonder when they'd become so low. I have a 10 year old son by a man who is currently not paying child support. I live in government subsidized housing (honestly, though, i didn't realize it until about 2 months ago). I have no car. My savings is dwindling. This country is in the middle of one of the worst economic states it's seen SINCE TIME BEGAN.
And here I am seriously considering loyalty to a job that pays me just enough money to live a hairsbreadth above the poverty line. Where dey do dat at?? The answer could be that I'm afraid to make the transition to something different. My mind is immediately besieged with "What ifs", acne shows up on my face, and i begin to drink sodas. LOL. Dead serious. A few months ago, before there were talks of bankruptcy and mergers, I began drinking sodas (again). that should have been my first clue. But, I ignore the sign, and kept passing it off as a 'thing i was going thru'. Now here we are months later, i'm being -- essentially-- forced to face a transition I'll have to make, and i'm already about 2,000 sodas in, i haven't worn makeup in a while because of my acne, and i spend about 5 hours total each day avoiding the "what ifs" in my mind. I think part of me is using depression as an excuse not to deal with things. i tell myself "once i feel better, i will deal with it."

God has given me the advantage of knowing ahead of time that I will need to transition soon. And I am wasting it because of fear. There are plenty of situations that I can convince myself I can take my time to sort out. Finding a new job and possibly new housing are not part of that group of situations. I need to at least START making a feasible plan for that, right now. That said, I still don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much at a time...because i WILL shut down, and end up looking crazy when I have no plan of action in a few months. Just yesterday, my boss gave me a ride to the bank. During the ride, he told me he was leaving early to take his wife to a job interview in DC. I was floored! His wife hasn't worked since I've been here! I take that back. She's worked but she's been a stay at home mom, and she's been a travel agent; she just didn't get paid for it. the fact that she now has to go out and get a job should have been enough to shake me free of the cobwebs and fly into motion with a plan. I can't say that I FLEW...but that info did seep in through the fog, and i do now see that this shit is real.  Loneliness and depression aside, I need to come up for air long enough to take care of my business. the business of providing for myself and my child; the business of not getting eaten alive by debt; the business of surviving, progressing to living comfortably, then ultimately living successfully. I've been in survival mode for all of my life. Maybe this is God's way of nudging me into seeing that I have a genuine opportunity to do something authentic with my life, if I use the time and resources I have at my disposal. This is a chance to break the bad habit of procrastinating and see some real results by doing the opposite.
This transition is no less scary than any other. But i cannot deny that it is a huge blessing to have forewarning. Most people who are losing jobs each day (and there are millions of them) don't have that blessing. They show up for work, work a full day, then have no job by the end of that same day, forced to go home with nothing. I'm in a prime position right now.Yesterday I was inspired to do some things by articles I read on Rich Single Momma. I found the info, I allowed it to inspire me, but then I didn't do anything with it. This time, I will follow through to completion.

So let me go get on it. I will report back later with what I came up with.

Are these really my Pores?

I think i'm gonna have to stop doing the OCM. My pores look like meatballs. Yes, it's really that gross.

That's all.