Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long
enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody. -- Longfellow
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Confession: Maybe fame isn't all its cracked up to be. Pun intended.
"I love you! Have a good day, Ma."
Every morning when I send Isayah off to school, those are his last words to me. I have no idea what the day holds so, theoretically, on any given day, those could be his last words to me, PERIOD. Before two days ago, I took that for granted. Two years ago, being the kind of person/parent that enjoys that sort of thing gushy, maternal, Leave It to Beaver send-off..well, it annoyed me, to say the least. That mom who gets up and gets her child ready for school, "sees him off" with a kiss and a hug as she hands him his lunch bag and scoots him out to the busstop. Me? Never. No way. Lol. But once I became that person/parent who does it, it annoyed me. I secretly felt I wasn't cut out to be a good parent such as that. I aspired to be more, do more, see more than a domesticated life has to offer. Simply put, it was a chore that I much rather would've had someone else get up at the crack of dawn to do. I had WORK to do and did not have time to be Keisha Homemaker. Hmph. SOMEBODY had to work and get up these funds cuz it sure wasn't his other parent. And for 2 long years, someone did: his great grandmother. Her house was his place of residence, she was his primary caregiver. I visited him often, but I left to come home to my own empty apt at the end of the day.
Two days ago, after watching Whitney Houston's "revealing" interview on The Oprah Winfrey Show, I discovered a secret about myself. 1. I used to be INCREDIBLY selfish, and I actually don't like that idea like I thought I did. 2. I'm not half as grateful for my life as I should be. There's something about hearing someone else's testimony that has a way of helping u put ur life into better perspective. It also has a way of expanding ur sense of awareness about the world, and how u fit into it.
I've been a Whitney Houston fan since I was 5 years old. Hers ("Greatest Love of All") was the very FIRST favorite song I ever had. It was the song that made me aware of music and its power to invoke strong emotion in its listeners. Yes, I too was one of those little girls in cornrows tipped with colorful beads who wandered thru my mama's house, arms outstretched, feet twirling, eyes closed, screaming the lyrics into an old hairbrush, trying desperately to hold that last long ass note on "looooooooooooooooooo*voice fading*QUICK DEEP BREATH*ooooooooooooove" as Whitney (in the video) walked off stage to hug her mom in the wings. That song made me feel like if I could hold that last note like her, I could do anything. Shit, I WAS Whitney Houston when I was 5, and nobody "bet not" try to tell me differently. Hmph. Her voice and that song alone made me feel I could do ANYTHING, it moved me so much. Everywhere I went, I sang it. When people came over to the house, my dad let me sing it for his friends and relatives and they threw money at my feet. I LUUUBBED me some Whitney Houston and to me, she was IT.
Over the years, of course, I followed her music and her life, bought each and every album/cassette/CD, saw all her movies (true story. Waiting to Exhale was the very first movie My high school sweetheart and I went to see.I was 15. Bad move, but great movie.)I even bought her 2001 greatest hits double CD--the one with her on a ladder pulling all her gold records off the wall-- knowing full well it was just a collection of songs I already had. Bought it anyway, paid full price for it at the K-MART in Oxon Hill. And when someone stole it, I went and bought another one. Okay, u get it: I'm a fan.
I didn't see her Barbara Walters Interview where she proclaimed the wackness of crack. I conveniently forgot it was coming on. Ppl talked about it for MONTHS,but to this day I've still not seen it. And don't plan to. I think I was in denial about how rough her life may have been at the time, and was secretly terrified that she might become one of the world's great fallen music idols, gone too soon...lost to a life of hard drugs, hard love, and hard living. Not WHITNEY! Not MY WHITNEY!! I couldn't deal with it. It was just easier to ignore the writing on the walls.
During the interview, Whitney spoke of a time years ago when she wanted out. Out of the business, out of the lights, out of the life. She wanted to be able to get up in the morning, make Bobbi Christina breakfast, get her ready for school, kiss her cheek, hand her her backpack and lunch box, and scoot her outta the door with the words "I love you, have a good day, Ma" ringing in her ear. But, because she's Whitney, she wasn't able to do that. Something that the average woman on the grind trying to make it to the top--like myself--once took for granted as a trivial chore, Whitney--WHITNEY HOUSTON-- was dying to be able to do. But couldn't. It is astounding to think, in hindsight, of all things I take for granted, the peace I can indulge in on any given day based simply on my anonymity. And Ironically, I once envied celebrities their fame...not so much their fortunes because I don't hunger for money...but I do hunger for that limelight, I cannot lie, lol. I definitely like to get recognition. But the more and more I listen to celebrity stories, stories told by the real talents...not "fauxcialites" (Paris, Kim, any reality tv star)...the more I'm convinced that fame is not for me. Not Rihanna/Beyonce/Lindsay/MJJ, paparazzi hounding, can't walk into Target and buy panties kinda fame. I kinda like that I can hang out in Starbucks and blog while enjoying a strawberries and cream frappacino. I love that when I'm between paychecks and can't afford to buy new hair, I can just throw on a cap and tuck my hair up into it without it being blasted all over the blogosphere within minutes of my departure from my apt. Two summers ago, I lost someone very special to me. I heard that I was that ignorant black person at her funeral, but I don't recall because I blacked it out. And I love that I was able to do that in peace; to grieve the loss of a loved one in complete and total solitude without worrying about having to wear dark shades and keep it together gracefully when I really wanted to scream at God for taking away what felt like my lifeblood. Can you imagine? I truly took those things for granted. Hmmmm....Maybe I should be more careful what I ask for. Perhaps I havent' become famous yet for a reason. Am I really willing to subject myself and Isayah to that type of scrutiny? Live under such a microscope? Hmmm...it's definitely worth rethinking.
This morning, Isayah tried to hit me with the "Aight Ma, I'm gone. See ya later..." My head whipped around like Medusa and I said "Uhhh, I'm sorry, WHAT??" Mumbling a quick "oh, sorry, lol" he darted over to tell me he loved me, to have a great thursday, and kiss my freshly washed cheek. Hmph! I don't know who he thought we were for a second, but he better know that since we CAN do that, we will.
Beautiful and Loved,
Beautiful Day
Every morning when I send Isayah off to school, those are his last words to me. I have no idea what the day holds so, theoretically, on any given day, those could be his last words to me, PERIOD. Before two days ago, I took that for granted. Two years ago, being the kind of person/parent that enjoys that sort of thing gushy, maternal, Leave It to Beaver send-off..well, it annoyed me, to say the least. That mom who gets up and gets her child ready for school, "sees him off" with a kiss and a hug as she hands him his lunch bag and scoots him out to the busstop. Me? Never. No way. Lol. But once I became that person/parent who does it, it annoyed me. I secretly felt I wasn't cut out to be a good parent such as that. I aspired to be more, do more, see more than a domesticated life has to offer. Simply put, it was a chore that I much rather would've had someone else get up at the crack of dawn to do. I had WORK to do and did not have time to be Keisha Homemaker. Hmph. SOMEBODY had to work and get up these funds cuz it sure wasn't his other parent. And for 2 long years, someone did: his great grandmother. Her house was his place of residence, she was his primary caregiver. I visited him often, but I left to come home to my own empty apt at the end of the day.
Two days ago, after watching Whitney Houston's "revealing" interview on The Oprah Winfrey Show, I discovered a secret about myself. 1. I used to be INCREDIBLY selfish, and I actually don't like that idea like I thought I did. 2. I'm not half as grateful for my life as I should be. There's something about hearing someone else's testimony that has a way of helping u put ur life into better perspective. It also has a way of expanding ur sense of awareness about the world, and how u fit into it.
I've been a Whitney Houston fan since I was 5 years old. Hers ("Greatest Love of All") was the very FIRST favorite song I ever had. It was the song that made me aware of music and its power to invoke strong emotion in its listeners. Yes, I too was one of those little girls in cornrows tipped with colorful beads who wandered thru my mama's house, arms outstretched, feet twirling, eyes closed, screaming the lyrics into an old hairbrush, trying desperately to hold that last long ass note on "looooooooooooooooooo*voice fading*QUICK DEEP BREATH*ooooooooooooove" as Whitney (in the video) walked off stage to hug her mom in the wings. That song made me feel like if I could hold that last note like her, I could do anything. Shit, I WAS Whitney Houston when I was 5, and nobody "bet not" try to tell me differently. Hmph. Her voice and that song alone made me feel I could do ANYTHING, it moved me so much. Everywhere I went, I sang it. When people came over to the house, my dad let me sing it for his friends and relatives and they threw money at my feet. I LUUUBBED me some Whitney Houston and to me, she was IT.
Over the years, of course, I followed her music and her life, bought each and every album/cassette/CD, saw all her movies (true story. Waiting to Exhale was the very first movie My high school sweetheart and I went to see.I was 15. Bad move, but great movie.)I even bought her 2001 greatest hits double CD--the one with her on a ladder pulling all her gold records off the wall-- knowing full well it was just a collection of songs I already had. Bought it anyway, paid full price for it at the K-MART in Oxon Hill. And when someone stole it, I went and bought another one. Okay, u get it: I'm a fan.
I didn't see her Barbara Walters Interview where she proclaimed the wackness of crack. I conveniently forgot it was coming on. Ppl talked about it for MONTHS,but to this day I've still not seen it. And don't plan to. I think I was in denial about how rough her life may have been at the time, and was secretly terrified that she might become one of the world's great fallen music idols, gone too soon...lost to a life of hard drugs, hard love, and hard living. Not WHITNEY! Not MY WHITNEY!! I couldn't deal with it. It was just easier to ignore the writing on the walls.
During the interview, Whitney spoke of a time years ago when she wanted out. Out of the business, out of the lights, out of the life. She wanted to be able to get up in the morning, make Bobbi Christina breakfast, get her ready for school, kiss her cheek, hand her her backpack and lunch box, and scoot her outta the door with the words "I love you, have a good day, Ma" ringing in her ear. But, because she's Whitney, she wasn't able to do that. Something that the average woman on the grind trying to make it to the top--like myself--once took for granted as a trivial chore, Whitney--WHITNEY HOUSTON-- was dying to be able to do. But couldn't. It is astounding to think, in hindsight, of all things I take for granted, the peace I can indulge in on any given day based simply on my anonymity. And Ironically, I once envied celebrities their fame...not so much their fortunes because I don't hunger for money...but I do hunger for that limelight, I cannot lie, lol. I definitely like to get recognition. But the more and more I listen to celebrity stories, stories told by the real talents...not "fauxcialites" (Paris, Kim, any reality tv star)...the more I'm convinced that fame is not for me. Not Rihanna/Beyonce/Lindsay/MJJ, paparazzi hounding, can't walk into Target and buy panties kinda fame. I kinda like that I can hang out in Starbucks and blog while enjoying a strawberries and cream frappacino. I love that when I'm between paychecks and can't afford to buy new hair, I can just throw on a cap and tuck my hair up into it without it being blasted all over the blogosphere within minutes of my departure from my apt. Two summers ago, I lost someone very special to me. I heard that I was that ignorant black person at her funeral, but I don't recall because I blacked it out. And I love that I was able to do that in peace; to grieve the loss of a loved one in complete and total solitude without worrying about having to wear dark shades and keep it together gracefully when I really wanted to scream at God for taking away what felt like my lifeblood. Can you imagine? I truly took those things for granted. Hmmmm....Maybe I should be more careful what I ask for. Perhaps I havent' become famous yet for a reason. Am I really willing to subject myself and Isayah to that type of scrutiny? Live under such a microscope? Hmmm...it's definitely worth rethinking.
This morning, Isayah tried to hit me with the "Aight Ma, I'm gone. See ya later..." My head whipped around like Medusa and I said "Uhhh, I'm sorry, WHAT??" Mumbling a quick "oh, sorry, lol" he darted over to tell me he loved me, to have a great thursday, and kiss my freshly washed cheek. Hmph! I don't know who he thought we were for a second, but he better know that since we CAN do that, we will.
Beautiful and Loved,
Beautiful Day
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Guess who's going to VEGAAAAASSSSSSSS??!
Thaaats right, lovies! Ya girl is headed off to the city of S-I-N on October 23rd for the premier and exciting launch of "Makeup Artists: The Who's Who in the Industry"!!! Can you say BOOSTED!? I CAN! I'm superboosted, supergeeked, and completely and totally proud of myself that I was able to put together a plan to get there. I swear, I got in by the skin of my damn teeth, but...I'm in. Can you believe it?!And y'all KNOW I have my hair and makeup allll picked out already, lol! Old Hollywood Glamour is the theme of the event so you know what that means, right? Soft waves, maybe some pin curls, a flower behind one ear, charcoal smokey eyes, and the must have-must die for-super sultry red lips. *shivering* That weekend cannot get here fast enough, I tell ya.
Forget that I'm going to be featured in a book--my first ever, btw. Forget that it'll be my first time in Vegas, staying at the Bellagio. FORGET that the entire event will be on ET and Access Hollywood AND that the footage from the filming of it is gonna be the pilot episode for a TV show in the works where I might also be featured as part of the International Makeup Artist contest. Fuhgeddaboudit! I'm just stoked about the chance to be in that energy, surrounded by like-minded individuals, dressed to the nines and glammed to the hills, lol. And the cherry on the top is that I am sharing it with one of my favorite people in the entire world, my mentor and personal Guru Ms. McLean.
Not only is the event for a wonderful cause, but it's just sooo....ME! Its how I'd live my life everyday if I could. I'm excited about the book tour, about the book itself which is gonna be fab, about being featured. Everything. Just....everything, lol. Linda is such a doll, love her energy, her passion and enthusiasm for this project, and her vision for us in this tough industry. She made me an offer I couldn't refuse...and it may turn out to be my career's biggest blessing to date.
and to think, I almost missed it. I almost chose to not believe in myself enough to put in the extra effort. Just sad. Shame on you, Chica!
Okay, I'm off to get back to work but I just wanted to update you guys on the progress and share my good news.
*doing the Beyonce dance!*
I'm going to Vaaaygus, I'm goin ta Vaaayyyguss! Jeah!
Head to the skies, eyes on the prizes Lovies!
Beautiful
Monday, September 14, 2009
Confession: I love Labor Day
So, it’s the start of another fall. Another school year, another favorite season, another hectic football schedule. I’ve been thinking, though. Does it have to be so hectic? A lot has happened (and not happened) since last year. This year, I have a year of single parenthood under my belt. This year, Isayah's dad is home—though he’s not proving as helpful as we’d hoped. This year, I am closer to closure with my ex than I was this time LAST year. This year, I’m not quite so panicked about raising isayah alone. This year, though there’s a new school in the mix, I’m a bit more prepared for what to expect and how to handle it. This year, I know to pick my battles. This year, I have a job; THREE JOBS actually, lol. My makeup career (if you could call it that) is beginning to take off. I just signed on to be be part of a really great project in makeup, one that will be great for me, my career, and for its charity organization. This year, this moment actually, I feel as empowered as I’ve ever wanted to actually be. I feel I have passed that proverbial “crossroads” moment. I chose a path. There’s no going back from here on out. I know what I want, I know where I want to go, I know what I stand for. I stand for honesty, integrity, love, family, and justice. I believe in those things, even though some of them evade my grasp just now. They are still things I want and need in my life, and I know now that I’m not willing to settle for just any old thing in my quest for purpose fulfillment.
Last night, on brothers and sisters, nora said something—a quote—that really stuck with me. And I’ve been thinking about it all day.
“you can’t sit on your hands so other people will feel better about themselves. You won’t do anyone any good by pretending to be less than what you are.”
I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, but what it means for me is this: I don’t owe anyone else my greatness. No one has worked harder, prayed harder, or sacrificed more for my own greatness than I have. So, when the time comes that I may consider being in a relationship, taking a better job, living a better life, enjoying the fruits of my labor, or having the relationship with my son that I want…I’m not gonna dumb anything down, short change myself, or sit on my hands and wait for validation from ANYONE.
No.one.com
Not being with my ex for the reason that we finally broke up this last time (and yes, I know ive said that at LEAST 225 times, but this time really is the last time. And I’m okay with it now.) made it so clear to me. It was like the light bulb finally came on. That relationship was so wrong for me, but for (what are only now becoming) obvious reasons. It didn’t encourage me to be my best; it encouraged me to rely on someone else so that he could be HIS best…which dimmed my own strength and abilities. I AM smart, and strong, and capable, and I should not have to dumb anything down to get ahead. there are definitely times when I need help, but it shouldn't be that I'm always helpless so u can feel needed. That may work and be perfectly fine for someone else…but not for me. But in so many ways, that dynamic failed so much because I refused to dumb it down. I can't lie: it got reeeeal easy to be helpless after I got the hang of it. Having a safety net has a way of spoiling a girl rotten. And that is sad, and really unfortunate. And God/the Universe kept trying to get me to see that….but I was blinded by my own need for the last word. And I totally missed the boat on that one, lol. Gosh! How stupid it all feels now!! I’m almost shocked I’m still alive, lol. Its like wait…what? Did I really fight so hard for that all this time? Did I really? Was I really FIGHTING so hard to be part of something that actually DIDN’T validate or exalt me at ALL?? Something that asked of me to continuously boost someone else’s ego, their strength, their LIFE…under the guise of showing love and support…and each time I wasn’t able to do it successfully (and I shouldn’t have), I shouldered the guilt, took the blame, everything. How come I am JUST now seeing this???????????? Its almost laughable! In fact, it IS laughable. *chuckling*
Though I feel like im in denial saying so, now it is so clear that it really wasn’t me this whole time…it was him. It was never about me, or loving me, or needing me, or any of that. He needed someone to sit under his ego and be a jack, pushing it further and further up until it was impossible to see him anymore. All these years I refused to do that, but once I finally started, it was the beginning of the end. Jeez. Good job, BD. Oh well, now I know better than to do THAT again. I’m so glad this happened. I was in SUCH a huge rush to be in a relationship. But, it is avoiding me like the plague, lol. And thank goodness. I really do need this time to align all my thoughts with my actions. I’m so glad I didn’t rush into anything, especially with Derrick. I was so prepared to be his everything, not challenging him to give me all that I deserve. Hmph. Who did I think I was, settling like that? Definitely not my most shining moments, lol. Consider it a lesson learned. nobody else. Even if it feels sucky, I won’t continue to let these bitch ass niggas take me for a ride and sell me a damn dream. I know what I work for, I know what I’m worth, I know what I deserve…and it’s not bullshit.
I’m a good person, I’m a good girlfriend, I’m a good friend. I’m not perfect, but I do my best. And that’s good enough for me.
Its gonna be a good season :-)
Confession: I Need Some New Friends
I would dearly love some friends like me. I can safely safe I'm good on having friends with whom I have nothing in common; I don't need anymore for the moment. What would be great is a group of like-minded women with similar situations. I can't be the only creative artist who's single and has a child with an itty bitty support system, can I? Impossible. There have to be others like me. Where are they?
I've heard it said that it becomes increasingly more difficult to make new friends as u get older. Unfortunately, I don't believe this so I'm always on the lookout for new friend opportunities. I've always been like that, meeting ppl everywhere, conversing with random strangers in the weirdest places. Unfortunately, the pool of randoms get wider yet weirder as I age...so I have to be more careful these days.
Trust, I know what it is to be tired. EXHAUSTED. I know with crystal clarity what it is to not trust anyone enough to get close to them. And I also know what its like to be lonely. But I know it can't just be me that wants to have friends despite all those things. So, keeping with the theory that its impossible for me to be the lone wolf in this group of singlemotherdom, where errybody else at? My apt isn't the Grand Hyatt, but where are my fellow single moms who wanna bring the kids over for movie night? Or who have a recommendation for a GREAT babysitter in this recession? And where are all those still-young-at-heart moms who still have sleepovers?? Am I the ONLY one for real?? I mean, seriously.
A few weeks ago, I told a friend of mine (single no kids) that I've been dying to have a sleepover. I asked if I invited her, would she come? Basically, she said "I'd stop by but I wouldn't stay". While I respect her answer, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me that I want to. Granted, I know its DC and the women here are TERRIBLY standoffish...but its not like I'm a serial kidnapper! I'm just as concerned and cautious as the next person with or without kids. I want to protect myself from crazy ppl and still find a way to have a good time. Whatever happened to house parties?! Are they only for college students, and adults who already know one another? How do single parents meet ppl nowadays?
Being a single parent means that, unless u have a live in nanny, a grandparent closeby, or a BOMB ASS on-call babysitter, u don't have much of a non-child social life. I barely drink, I don't smoke or do any kind of drugs, I don't go to clubs so guys can grind my pelvis to dust, and I DON'T have a bomb ass sitter. So, most of my time is spent at home, or at kid-friendly events. But now that school's back in, there is very little opportunity for spontaneity in my social life. I don't have the freedom to just throw in a happy hour during the week, or go hear live music after work on Fridays, or even take an early Saturday morning gym class. Between work, school, football, and makeup...most of my time is accounted for during the week. BUT, other single moms like me who do a lot (and let's face it, if we're surviving...we do a lot) MUST want to hang out SOMETIMES...mustn't they? Of course we can't all get together and go party all night...who can afford those sitter fees, and who has THAT type of energy? But if there were a few of us, someone different could host each weekend, or on Tuesdays or Thursdays when there's no football practice. Doesn't have to be a sleepover; it could be anything: movies, games, music, shoooot we could do a clothing/accessories/makeup swap if we have stuff to trade or give away. Throw in some food, some x-box games, or a movie and the kids are set, busy for the rest of the night. *Disclaimer: if u got bad ass kids then u are cordially UNinvited. Chances r u don't think ur child falls into this category...but let's keep it real. You are NOT stupid. Or blind. If you've left ur child with a sitter, family mbr or friend for more than an hour or two and upon ur return, ur sitter had no problem telling u that he/she almost jabbed the hell outta ur child...twice...then ur probably not invited to movie or game night. Your child is NOT gonna ruin it for everyone. Cuz I WILL punch a lil kid in the face. Hmph.
Idk, maybe I just come from a different time when stuff like that happened on the regular. Not in MY house of course, but everywhere else I went as a child. Aunts, uncle, grandparents, friends, everywhere. If u got kids, bring'em on, they can play in the kids' room while the adults chill out here with red dixie cups and a deck of cards. Lol, or was that just my ppls that did that?
I know one thing, I'm officially out of resources to keep making myself available to go to "single/married with no kids" functions. I get tired --so tired-- of having to scramble and find a sitter to do things cuz none of my friends have children so they don't really understand how flexible I simply can't be. And they keep wanting to do things that require me to be away from Isayah for hours at a time. And I'm on my last leg with that.
Its completely true, u shouldn't have children until ur ready. But for those of us who didn't listen, didn't pawn our children off on family members, or now find ourselves primary shareholders (read: custodial parents) for whatever reason, what's done is done. They're here now. And there must be some sort of balance for us. I'm a firm believer in group activities and I'm always quick to try to start an uprising, or a revolution.
Crazy people have made it extremely difficult to get ppl to reach out cuz now nobody trusts anybody anymore. And I get that. But if any of u know me, u know I like to just bust in, kick doors down, and get shit popping, lol. I'm tryna go everywhere, meet everybody, get everybody together, and build our network. I mean in church, at schools, on the football field, at the Rec Center, at the gyms, in the GROCERY STORE. Anywhere I might find a single mom who is social just like me, but also limited in their time and has to plan things the way I do....that one who gave up on "playing it by ear" long ago cuz she realized that yes, she NEEDS to plan her life that far in advance if she wants to get things done....that's who I want to meet.
Even those who aren't as anal about planning as I have to be, lol, can join our group too. I figure there's groups for motorcycles, prayer, atheists, softball, kickball (which I'm determined to find too), flag and co-ed football, knitting, bowling, sewing, swing dancing, hand dancing, casual sex, no sex, too much sex, bisexual, trisexual, asexual, hetero and homosexual...but there's not a group for me and my kind. Not here in alexandria, not that I know of. I just don't fit into my group of friends anymore. I'm single, and while I could have easily married my last boyfriend once I got ready, I'm in no big rush to marry.So that excludes me from that "single and looking" group.
I'm working, but I don't have extensive degrees or levels of education nor am I making bank like some are. I just don't have it yet. I will but right now, I don't. So that kicks me out of that group that sits around and compares designer bags shoes and clothes to pass the time. Retail therapy is not on my priority list.
While I love to dance the night away as much as the next girl, I'm not a club head or a party girl. You won't ever catch me in a club or a lounge more than once a week. Never. Won't catch me posted up, holding up the wall observing those around me more than--actually, I don't do that anymore so nevermind. Standing around looking cute nursing a drink is not my forte. It works for some girls; it annoys me. So, I'm out of the party girl group too. I'm not available for happy hours during the week. I could try it, but it'd require me to live SOOOO Trife, I couldn't live with the guilt. So, that leaves me in my little neck of the woods, all by myself, waiting for somebody to reach out. When I reach out, most times ppl think I'm weird and they either don't respond or they respond and don't follow thru.
Sigh.
What's a girl to do?
Am I gonna have to start the revolution myself? Hmmmmm...its worth looking into. I just can't believe that its just me who feels this way! I know ppl r busy, but they gon make time for me dammit! Lmao!
I'ma do some digging around and let y'all know what I come up with....
I've heard it said that it becomes increasingly more difficult to make new friends as u get older. Unfortunately, I don't believe this so I'm always on the lookout for new friend opportunities. I've always been like that, meeting ppl everywhere, conversing with random strangers in the weirdest places. Unfortunately, the pool of randoms get wider yet weirder as I age...so I have to be more careful these days.
Trust, I know what it is to be tired. EXHAUSTED. I know with crystal clarity what it is to not trust anyone enough to get close to them. And I also know what its like to be lonely. But I know it can't just be me that wants to have friends despite all those things. So, keeping with the theory that its impossible for me to be the lone wolf in this group of singlemotherdom, where errybody else at? My apt isn't the Grand Hyatt, but where are my fellow single moms who wanna bring the kids over for movie night? Or who have a recommendation for a GREAT babysitter in this recession? And where are all those still-young-at-heart moms who still have sleepovers?? Am I the ONLY one for real?? I mean, seriously.
A few weeks ago, I told a friend of mine (single no kids) that I've been dying to have a sleepover. I asked if I invited her, would she come? Basically, she said "I'd stop by but I wouldn't stay". While I respect her answer, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me that I want to. Granted, I know its DC and the women here are TERRIBLY standoffish...but its not like I'm a serial kidnapper! I'm just as concerned and cautious as the next person with or without kids. I want to protect myself from crazy ppl and still find a way to have a good time. Whatever happened to house parties?! Are they only for college students, and adults who already know one another? How do single parents meet ppl nowadays?
Being a single parent means that, unless u have a live in nanny, a grandparent closeby, or a BOMB ASS on-call babysitter, u don't have much of a non-child social life. I barely drink, I don't smoke or do any kind of drugs, I don't go to clubs so guys can grind my pelvis to dust, and I DON'T have a bomb ass sitter. So, most of my time is spent at home, or at kid-friendly events. But now that school's back in, there is very little opportunity for spontaneity in my social life. I don't have the freedom to just throw in a happy hour during the week, or go hear live music after work on Fridays, or even take an early Saturday morning gym class. Between work, school, football, and makeup...most of my time is accounted for during the week. BUT, other single moms like me who do a lot (and let's face it, if we're surviving...we do a lot) MUST want to hang out SOMETIMES...mustn't they? Of course we can't all get together and go party all night...who can afford those sitter fees, and who has THAT type of energy? But if there were a few of us, someone different could host each weekend, or on Tuesdays or Thursdays when there's no football practice. Doesn't have to be a sleepover; it could be anything: movies, games, music, shoooot we could do a clothing/accessories/makeup swap if we have stuff to trade or give away. Throw in some food, some x-box games, or a movie and the kids are set, busy for the rest of the night. *Disclaimer: if u got bad ass kids then u are cordially UNinvited. Chances r u don't think ur child falls into this category...but let's keep it real. You are NOT stupid. Or blind. If you've left ur child with a sitter, family mbr or friend for more than an hour or two and upon ur return, ur sitter had no problem telling u that he/she almost jabbed the hell outta ur child...twice...then ur probably not invited to movie or game night. Your child is NOT gonna ruin it for everyone. Cuz I WILL punch a lil kid in the face. Hmph.
Idk, maybe I just come from a different time when stuff like that happened on the regular. Not in MY house of course, but everywhere else I went as a child. Aunts, uncle, grandparents, friends, everywhere. If u got kids, bring'em on, they can play in the kids' room while the adults chill out here with red dixie cups and a deck of cards. Lol, or was that just my ppls that did that?
I know one thing, I'm officially out of resources to keep making myself available to go to "single/married with no kids" functions. I get tired --so tired-- of having to scramble and find a sitter to do things cuz none of my friends have children so they don't really understand how flexible I simply can't be. And they keep wanting to do things that require me to be away from Isayah for hours at a time. And I'm on my last leg with that.
Its completely true, u shouldn't have children until ur ready. But for those of us who didn't listen, didn't pawn our children off on family members, or now find ourselves primary shareholders (read: custodial parents) for whatever reason, what's done is done. They're here now. And there must be some sort of balance for us. I'm a firm believer in group activities and I'm always quick to try to start an uprising, or a revolution.
Crazy people have made it extremely difficult to get ppl to reach out cuz now nobody trusts anybody anymore. And I get that. But if any of u know me, u know I like to just bust in, kick doors down, and get shit popping, lol. I'm tryna go everywhere, meet everybody, get everybody together, and build our network. I mean in church, at schools, on the football field, at the Rec Center, at the gyms, in the GROCERY STORE. Anywhere I might find a single mom who is social just like me, but also limited in their time and has to plan things the way I do....that one who gave up on "playing it by ear" long ago cuz she realized that yes, she NEEDS to plan her life that far in advance if she wants to get things done....that's who I want to meet.
Even those who aren't as anal about planning as I have to be, lol, can join our group too. I figure there's groups for motorcycles, prayer, atheists, softball, kickball (which I'm determined to find too), flag and co-ed football, knitting, bowling, sewing, swing dancing, hand dancing, casual sex, no sex, too much sex, bisexual, trisexual, asexual, hetero and homosexual...but there's not a group for me and my kind. Not here in alexandria, not that I know of. I just don't fit into my group of friends anymore. I'm single, and while I could have easily married my last boyfriend once I got ready, I'm in no big rush to marry.So that excludes me from that "single and looking" group.
I'm working, but I don't have extensive degrees or levels of education nor am I making bank like some are. I just don't have it yet. I will but right now, I don't. So that kicks me out of that group that sits around and compares designer bags shoes and clothes to pass the time. Retail therapy is not on my priority list.
While I love to dance the night away as much as the next girl, I'm not a club head or a party girl. You won't ever catch me in a club or a lounge more than once a week. Never. Won't catch me posted up, holding up the wall observing those around me more than--actually, I don't do that anymore so nevermind. Standing around looking cute nursing a drink is not my forte. It works for some girls; it annoys me. So, I'm out of the party girl group too. I'm not available for happy hours during the week. I could try it, but it'd require me to live SOOOO Trife, I couldn't live with the guilt. So, that leaves me in my little neck of the woods, all by myself, waiting for somebody to reach out. When I reach out, most times ppl think I'm weird and they either don't respond or they respond and don't follow thru.
Sigh.
What's a girl to do?
Am I gonna have to start the revolution myself? Hmmmmm...its worth looking into. I just can't believe that its just me who feels this way! I know ppl r busy, but they gon make time for me dammit! Lmao!
I'ma do some digging around and let y'all know what I come up with....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Upcoming Wedding
Really excited about a wedding Im working on Friday. Its at a Catholic Church in DC. I met the bride, she's totally awesome, and she's one of my new favorites because she loves her dramatic makeup. I'm doing hair and makeup for her. She was really really excited about her look during her trial so that always gives me a rush, lol. Her wedding is Friday at 4.
I'm so glad I am over and done with having the flu. It's the pits :-(. I have been REALLY lax with taking my camera with me to my trials so i PROMISE I will take my camera with me to the wedding (and my next trial).
I'll post the pictures (that i take on friday) here on Saturday....the pro photogs take FOREVER!
I'm so glad I am over and done with having the flu. It's the pits :-(. I have been REALLY lax with taking my camera with me to my trials so i PROMISE I will take my camera with me to the wedding (and my next trial).
I'll post the pictures (that i take on friday) here on Saturday....the pro photogs take FOREVER!
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