Already, it's on my nerves. So many choices, decisions, too many thoughts at once. I changed my mind, lol.
What's funny is that I've looked forward to turning 30 for so long under the assumption that once I became a 30 year old, I would magically be 'grown and sexy', have all the answers, and somehow have a "different" wand suddenly waved over me...without having to do much work....I would be all grown up. #whowasIreally?
Being 30 has taught me a few things. First, I've learned that there are no easy answers, so my quest to find the quick answers, quick solutions, quick ANYTHING really needs to stop N.O.W. In fact, the sooner I can bring that desire to a halt, the better. For everybody. Second, I've learned to empower myself and to not wait for permission to live the life I want to lead. More to the point, I don't NEED permission to make my choices. A sub lesson from this is that it's okay to disagree with those I love because everyone won't always agree with my choices. And they don't have to. I can still love them, talk to them, don't have to disown them, leave the relationship, or take it so personally that I get angry and dismissive. I have the distinct ability to tap into my power as a woman, as a mother, as a child of God, as a human being, and to create almost anything my puny human brain can conjure up, lol. It is real. It's not just hippie blathering that self-help authors write about to sell unnecessary books. The last thing I've learned so far, by far the most important, is to forgive. Namely, myself. To try giving the benefit of the doubt sometimes and not be so quick to condemn. This last one is certainly a work in progress, but I must say that its alot better operating from a place of love and forgiveness than a place of darkness and anger like I used to.
Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is dark. Life is FULL of light. Its so many things, and nothing at all really. In the grand scheme of time, our lives are (seriously) but an instant. Only a hundred years, if we're lucky. time will march on without us once we're gone from this life, for sure. I don't get a choice of what planet to inhabit, what God made me look like when he created me 30 years and 9 months ago, or how senior citizens drive, but I do get to choose how to design my little bit of life for the time that i'm here. I get to choose what to aim for, and why. I get to change my mind if i rethink a choice and opt for something different. It's not the easiest thing I've ever done, and navigating the waters of how to make the best decision for myself and my family isn't always a 4th of July cookout with the perfect breeze, but I can decide to use it to my advantage...or not.
All that said, I do feel...different. I am aware that there is a change taking place inside of me. For so long, I begged and pleaded for the motivation/inspiration/whatever you call it to be able to move forward, become a different (read: better) person, and leave my past way WAAAAAAY behind me. i thought having a degree would do it. Or being single would do it. Or having a car, a job i held for more than 1 year, or any number of other things. And I was dead serious. Sadly, I was completely on the wrong track.
Now, i feel a calmness that previously eluded me. I feel like I know I have decisions to make about certain things in my life, important decisions that will change my life's course. But, unlike in the past, I feel okay with taking my time to think, rethink, and make a good choice instead of just rushing to do something because I feel I have something to prove to the world. I do have a lot on my mind, but I'm not forcing myself to produce results in a day. Even God took 7 days; I can take a little time.
I always thought i would use/abuse my 20s, make all the bad choices and mistakes just to get them outta the way so that by the time I turned 30, I could live "the good life, free of mistakes and bad decisions". It sounds ludicrous now that i see it in print, lmao! But, again, i was dead serious (and half right). I DAMN SURE abused my life in my 20s. LOL. I've been around the block for 15 years now; I think it's time to put some of that knowledge to use. Good use.
That's what I plan to do with 30. I'm almost ready.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Confession: Transitions scare me
into nothingness sometimes. A few weeks ago, my boss informed all of us that our little company isn't doing so well financially, and that our jobs are in jeopardy. Not immediate jeopardy, but soon enough, we would all need to have something else locked down. He explained that we "have time" (read: a few months) but that we should definitely start looking. A few days later, he comes to me, jumping for joy (literally) because one of our customers has offered to buy us out of our partnership with our mother company, which meant we would be able to keep our jobs. He asked if I would stay and work for him if that merger went through. i told him that I would. No one's spoken of it since then. I made the decision to stay because 1. I'm loyal to my boss and this company, because he has been loyal to me as an employee, and 2. Low salary aside, this job is the perfect job for me and I hate to walk away from it.
Fast forward to this week, just this past Monday. I started reading some new books and one of them really made me think about my ideals and values and standards for my life. I began to wonder when they'd become so low. I have a 10 year old son by a man who is currently not paying child support. I live in government subsidized housing (honestly, though, i didn't realize it until about 2 months ago). I have no car. My savings is dwindling. This country is in the middle of one of the worst economic states it's seen SINCE TIME BEGAN.
And here I am seriously considering loyalty to a job that pays me just enough money to live a hairsbreadth above the poverty line. Where dey do dat at?? The answer could be that I'm afraid to make the transition to something different. My mind is immediately besieged with "What ifs", acne shows up on my face, and i begin to drink sodas. LOL. Dead serious. A few months ago, before there were talks of bankruptcy and mergers, I began drinking sodas (again). that should have been my first clue. But, I ignore the sign, and kept passing it off as a 'thing i was going thru'. Now here we are months later, i'm being -- essentially-- forced to face a transition I'll have to make, and i'm already about 2,000 sodas in, i haven't worn makeup in a while because of my acne, and i spend about 5 hours total each day avoiding the "what ifs" in my mind. I think part of me is using depression as an excuse not to deal with things. i tell myself "once i feel better, i will deal with it."
God has given me the advantage of knowing ahead of time that I will need to transition soon. And I am wasting it because of fear. There are plenty of situations that I can convince myself I can take my time to sort out. Finding a new job and possibly new housing are not part of that group of situations. I need to at least START making a feasible plan for that, right now. That said, I still don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much at a time...because i WILL shut down, and end up looking crazy when I have no plan of action in a few months. Just yesterday, my boss gave me a ride to the bank. During the ride, he told me he was leaving early to take his wife to a job interview in DC. I was floored! His wife hasn't worked since I've been here! I take that back. She's worked but she's been a stay at home mom, and she's been a travel agent; she just didn't get paid for it. the fact that she now has to go out and get a job should have been enough to shake me free of the cobwebs and fly into motion with a plan. I can't say that I FLEW...but that info did seep in through the fog, and i do now see that this shit is real. Loneliness and depression aside, I need to come up for air long enough to take care of my business. the business of providing for myself and my child; the business of not getting eaten alive by debt; the business of surviving, progressing to living comfortably, then ultimately living successfully. I've been in survival mode for all of my life. Maybe this is God's way of nudging me into seeing that I have a genuine opportunity to do something authentic with my life, if I use the time and resources I have at my disposal. This is a chance to break the bad habit of procrastinating and see some real results by doing the opposite.
This transition is no less scary than any other. But i cannot deny that it is a huge blessing to have forewarning. Most people who are losing jobs each day (and there are millions of them) don't have that blessing. They show up for work, work a full day, then have no job by the end of that same day, forced to go home with nothing. I'm in a prime position right now.Yesterday I was inspired to do some things by articles I read on Rich Single Momma. I found the info, I allowed it to inspire me, but then I didn't do anything with it. This time, I will follow through to completion.
So let me go get on it. I will report back later with what I came up with.
Fast forward to this week, just this past Monday. I started reading some new books and one of them really made me think about my ideals and values and standards for my life. I began to wonder when they'd become so low. I have a 10 year old son by a man who is currently not paying child support. I live in government subsidized housing (honestly, though, i didn't realize it until about 2 months ago). I have no car. My savings is dwindling. This country is in the middle of one of the worst economic states it's seen SINCE TIME BEGAN.
And here I am seriously considering loyalty to a job that pays me just enough money to live a hairsbreadth above the poverty line. Where dey do dat at?? The answer could be that I'm afraid to make the transition to something different. My mind is immediately besieged with "What ifs", acne shows up on my face, and i begin to drink sodas. LOL. Dead serious. A few months ago, before there were talks of bankruptcy and mergers, I began drinking sodas (again). that should have been my first clue. But, I ignore the sign, and kept passing it off as a 'thing i was going thru'. Now here we are months later, i'm being -- essentially-- forced to face a transition I'll have to make, and i'm already about 2,000 sodas in, i haven't worn makeup in a while because of my acne, and i spend about 5 hours total each day avoiding the "what ifs" in my mind. I think part of me is using depression as an excuse not to deal with things. i tell myself "once i feel better, i will deal with it."
God has given me the advantage of knowing ahead of time that I will need to transition soon. And I am wasting it because of fear. There are plenty of situations that I can convince myself I can take my time to sort out. Finding a new job and possibly new housing are not part of that group of situations. I need to at least START making a feasible plan for that, right now. That said, I still don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much at a time...because i WILL shut down, and end up looking crazy when I have no plan of action in a few months. Just yesterday, my boss gave me a ride to the bank. During the ride, he told me he was leaving early to take his wife to a job interview in DC. I was floored! His wife hasn't worked since I've been here! I take that back. She's worked but she's been a stay at home mom, and she's been a travel agent; she just didn't get paid for it. the fact that she now has to go out and get a job should have been enough to shake me free of the cobwebs and fly into motion with a plan. I can't say that I FLEW...but that info did seep in through the fog, and i do now see that this shit is real. Loneliness and depression aside, I need to come up for air long enough to take care of my business. the business of providing for myself and my child; the business of not getting eaten alive by debt; the business of surviving, progressing to living comfortably, then ultimately living successfully. I've been in survival mode for all of my life. Maybe this is God's way of nudging me into seeing that I have a genuine opportunity to do something authentic with my life, if I use the time and resources I have at my disposal. This is a chance to break the bad habit of procrastinating and see some real results by doing the opposite.
This transition is no less scary than any other. But i cannot deny that it is a huge blessing to have forewarning. Most people who are losing jobs each day (and there are millions of them) don't have that blessing. They show up for work, work a full day, then have no job by the end of that same day, forced to go home with nothing. I'm in a prime position right now.Yesterday I was inspired to do some things by articles I read on Rich Single Momma. I found the info, I allowed it to inspire me, but then I didn't do anything with it. This time, I will follow through to completion.
So let me go get on it. I will report back later with what I came up with.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Are these really my Pores?
I think i'm gonna have to stop doing the OCM. My pores look like meatballs. Yes, it's really that gross.
That's all.
That's all.
Slow Grind
It's not a busy time for BDI, y'all. I've decided to lay my brushes down for a while. I'm too overwhelmed and things are not going well. I would never abandon Makeup forever, but some things need to take priority over makeup for a while. So, I have to find a way to just not participate for a time. I miss it already, but I have to say, I need a break :-(. Chaos is not sexy, lol.
Makeup will be here when I get back! I will see you guys in a few!
Makeup will be here when I get back! I will see you guys in a few!
Confession: Today I saw a glimmer
...of hope. A tiny flicker of light in this darkness I'm surrounded by right now. A few months back, I joined an online community, Rich Single Momma, headed by a phenomenal woman named Samantha from Atlanta. I was caught up at the time, and couldn't really dedicate any real time to explore the site. Now that I'm on hiatus for a while (and can breathe), I finally took the time to check out the site. And MAN!! It was just the boost I needed!
Browsing through the articles, reading the comments...I found myself sitting upright screaming at the computer screen "Me too! That happens to me too!" LOL. I found some great articles with great info and links to some really helpful tools. One of the sites a link led me to was a goal tracking tool, Joe's Goals. This particular link leads to my goals page but anyone can sign up for free to create their own page. I purposely kept my goals list short and simple. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to train my brain to not overwhelm itself by cramming too many things into too little space. Anyway, the site is a wonderful tool for connecting with others like me, and I've already been in touch with Samantha a few times. The focus is mainly financial freedom as a single parent, but there are articles on other things as well. After all, being a single mom isn't just about money. This is the first thing I've connected with in months! I wasn't sure how God would answer my prayers this morning, but I was confident He would. I told Him I would keep my eyes and my heart open for whatever He would send me. And it seems like as soon as I said the words, they floated up to His ears and He began to pour insight into my open heart. Who knew it was as easy as asking?
If you get a chance, check out the site!
Browsing through the articles, reading the comments...I found myself sitting upright screaming at the computer screen "Me too! That happens to me too!" LOL. I found some great articles with great info and links to some really helpful tools. One of the sites a link led me to was a goal tracking tool, Joe's Goals. This particular link leads to my goals page but anyone can sign up for free to create their own page. I purposely kept my goals list short and simple. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to train my brain to not overwhelm itself by cramming too many things into too little space. Anyway, the site is a wonderful tool for connecting with others like me, and I've already been in touch with Samantha a few times. The focus is mainly financial freedom as a single parent, but there are articles on other things as well. After all, being a single mom isn't just about money. This is the first thing I've connected with in months! I wasn't sure how God would answer my prayers this morning, but I was confident He would. I told Him I would keep my eyes and my heart open for whatever He would send me. And it seems like as soon as I said the words, they floated up to His ears and He began to pour insight into my open heart. Who knew it was as easy as asking?
If you get a chance, check out the site!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Confession: I am lost
And I am not sure what to do about it. So many people say that prayer is the answer. But, when I pray, I don't feel better. Which makes me feel like perhaps I'm doing it wrong. I do believe in God. I believe that God is all powerful and all knowing, and makes things happen in my life. But, honestly, sometimes--MOST times, in fact--i feel forgotten by God. I feel left to figure this thing out on my own. And if I were completely alone, I'm sure it would be less scary. But, having a child that you must teach and train, guide and nurture when you, yourself, don't have much to go on....is debilitating. I mean, what do you do?? When I had the freedom to just stumble thru life and figure it out as I went, I was completely cool with that. But, now, that is not an option.
When I pray, all I hear is silence afterward. Deafening, terrifying, depressing.
And I always wondered: What about the people who do believe in God? Who or what do they believe in? I feel that everyone needs something to believe in, but if it's not a deity, then what is it? the Universe?
Ok, so lets say I believe in the Universe (as a separate entity from the Christian God). How do I talk to the Universe? How will it talk to me? How will we communicate? Is it all just The Secret? is it all really TRULY just energy and motion? Does it only work if you believe in it, like say, the lotto? Or is it real, and working, even if you don't believe...like karma? Or...is karma part of the Universe? I'm getting confused. :-/
All I know right now is that I am searching for something that makes sense out of the chaos in my world these days. Dating is not working because i can feel the disconnection, and that makes me feel not ready. I feel it's unfair to try to strike up anything new with anyone new when i know i'm a spiritual mess. I can't quite say I'm looking for an easy way out because i don't believe I am. i'm just looking for something that resonates with me, something that makes me say "ugh, FINALLY! YES!! Now, at least PART of this makes some sense" instead of constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) feeling like every single thing is falling apart around me, and I should just let it because i can't make any sense out of why it's happening.
D says that when i feel like this, I should just change my channel. Switch from this negative energy to a channel where I'm giving and receiving positive energy. Uh, right. Lemme get back to you on that.
Reading and then watching The Secret didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. i think the problem is believing. What do you do when you're tired of believing in shit? what happens? It's chaos, that's what happens. Your focus is lost, your drive just speeds off, your will to live or do anything else withers. You can't tell the difference between light and dark because it all just looks dark. You don't wanna talk to anyone, or answer the phone. There's guilt, and shame, and as vain as I am, there's disinterest in your personal appearance. total and complete Chaos. Change channels my ass. Where's my damn remote??
This is some ole bullshit. I'll be glad when it passes.
When I pray, all I hear is silence afterward. Deafening, terrifying, depressing.
And I always wondered: What about the people who do believe in God? Who or what do they believe in? I feel that everyone needs something to believe in, but if it's not a deity, then what is it? the Universe?
Ok, so lets say I believe in the Universe (as a separate entity from the Christian God). How do I talk to the Universe? How will it talk to me? How will we communicate? Is it all just The Secret? is it all really TRULY just energy and motion? Does it only work if you believe in it, like say, the lotto? Or is it real, and working, even if you don't believe...like karma? Or...is karma part of the Universe? I'm getting confused. :-/
All I know right now is that I am searching for something that makes sense out of the chaos in my world these days. Dating is not working because i can feel the disconnection, and that makes me feel not ready. I feel it's unfair to try to strike up anything new with anyone new when i know i'm a spiritual mess. I can't quite say I'm looking for an easy way out because i don't believe I am. i'm just looking for something that resonates with me, something that makes me say "ugh, FINALLY! YES!! Now, at least PART of this makes some sense" instead of constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) feeling like every single thing is falling apart around me, and I should just let it because i can't make any sense out of why it's happening.
D says that when i feel like this, I should just change my channel. Switch from this negative energy to a channel where I'm giving and receiving positive energy. Uh, right. Lemme get back to you on that.
Reading and then watching The Secret didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. i think the problem is believing. What do you do when you're tired of believing in shit? what happens? It's chaos, that's what happens. Your focus is lost, your drive just speeds off, your will to live or do anything else withers. You can't tell the difference between light and dark because it all just looks dark. You don't wanna talk to anyone, or answer the phone. There's guilt, and shame, and as vain as I am, there's disinterest in your personal appearance. total and complete Chaos. Change channels my ass. Where's my damn remote??
This is some ole bullshit. I'll be glad when it passes.
Confession: I may be in denial
Today, Isayah's sick, and I let him stay home from school. I found myself being very nurturing, and it freaked me out. lately, I've also had the desire to do more things with him...which is weird because I normally can't wait to get him somewhere away from me, lol. Could I be enjoying motherhood? *gasp*
*here comes Florida Evans*
Dayummmm, Dayummmm, Daaaayuuuummmmmmmmmmm!!! When did this happen?? I called up one of my girls yesterday to plan a beach trip for our kids (wait, wha?) late next month. And I'm actually looking forward to it! I'm so out of my element with this. I love my son, but I've never loved motherhood. Correction: I ADORE parenthood in January when it's time to file my taxes, and I loved all the attention I got when pregnant (so trifling, yes, I know). But other than that, motherhood was the most thankless, grueling, vampire (becuz it sucks the life out of you sometimes) job anyone will ever do. and for the most part, I've hated it. I do believe that my son is a gift to my life, and I appreciate what his presence has done for my life. But it is work, especially doing it by myself. And it never ends. So it is, at times, difficult, to see the joy for all the sweat dripping into my eyes.
When did this happen??
*here comes Florida Evans*
Dayummmm, Dayummmm, Daaaayuuuummmmmmmmmmm!!! When did this happen?? I called up one of my girls yesterday to plan a beach trip for our kids (wait, wha?) late next month. And I'm actually looking forward to it! I'm so out of my element with this. I love my son, but I've never loved motherhood. Correction: I ADORE parenthood in January when it's time to file my taxes, and I loved all the attention I got when pregnant (so trifling, yes, I know). But other than that, motherhood was the most thankless, grueling, vampire (becuz it sucks the life out of you sometimes) job anyone will ever do. and for the most part, I've hated it. I do believe that my son is a gift to my life, and I appreciate what his presence has done for my life. But it is work, especially doing it by myself. And it never ends. So it is, at times, difficult, to see the joy for all the sweat dripping into my eyes.
When did this happen??
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