I don't know how or why (and quite frankly, don't care) Yolanda Adams wrote this song for me, but I sure do appreciate that she did. I listened to it on repeat today as I walked home from work for the final time. Every single word to this song describes how I felt today, and what I'll need (for the rest of my life) in order to accomplish the tall orders I've served myself.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Confession: I was more emotional than I thought I'd be
...as I walked out of my office today, for the last time. The buyout did NOT go through, the layoff is official, and today was my last day. It was all so surreal. I felt...like I was losing a child, lol. Which sounds strange, I know, but is true. I worked so hard--shoot, we all did--to make this company a success and to see it all go down the drain--literally--was kinda hard.
I am thankful that God gave me notice and made it so that I would have time to prepare, to plan, and to position myself according to what must happen in the next chapter of my life. 99% of layoffs don't allow for that time of transition. For me, it was essential to have that time, though. I was able to train my brain, daily, to not think of the safety net of corporate job; to train my thoughts to settle when they want to spin out of control; to train myself to not get emotional at the drop of a hat or to make emotional decisions; to prepare myself mentally for entrepreneurship. It is a task, for sure. I've been doing it, though, slowly but surely over the past weeks. I was able to try out different things, test some theories, do a lot of studying and research, and to really anchor myself with knowledge. Being drowned in knowledge is really crucial for me when it comes to making big decisions, and this time, I was determined to do it right.
Two years ago when I took that job, I promised myself that I would stay there until I was ready to strike out on my own. About 3 months in, I rephrased that: Once I left this job, I would not take another corporate job. I would work for myself, and myself only. So many times I wanted to quit that stank ass job and find another; so many times I had to remind myself that I'd taken this job with a purpose, and with a very specific goal in mind: use it as a launch pad to entrepreneurship. So I'd had to buckle down and fight my way through the discomfort, confusion, and frustration. I was gonna be a freelancer if it killed me!I didn't know how yet, but I had come to realize that i needed to work, on my own terms, in a field that I loved. Otherwise, my life would fail miserably. And that job was just the motivation I needed.
Its important to note that I was not completely prepared for it when news of this layoff struck. However, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was time. The time had come to take the leap because I had run out of excuses. I'd secretly watched my boss--a small business owner himself--run his company, make mistakes, find successes, and follow his dreams. Though I didn't always agree with his business practices, I was a sponge that soaked up everything about small business management that I possibly could. And can I just say that God has set it up so perfectly that if I were ever in doubt about whether or not now was the time, those doubts have been put to rest. I am one of those ppl who only get shit done successfully when there's a fire lit under me. If it ain't urgent, chances are, I'm gonna procrastinate. I got so comfortable in that job (in that life, truthfully) that all my hustle died. Well, most of it. Now, I have no man, no car, no full time job, barely any savings left after two short paychecks, and most of my human resources are tapped out. Yep. When it rains, it truly pours.
*opens cute pink and black umbrella then puts on favorite Prada sunglasses*
It's raining now because it has to in order for me care enough to high tail it forward into sunshiny beautiful days. In my old age (LOL), I understand that now; years ago, I didn't. And I'm thankful for that kinda growth. I look forward to more of it in the days and weeks and months to come.
*walks away whistling, under the umbrella*
I am thankful that God gave me notice and made it so that I would have time to prepare, to plan, and to position myself according to what must happen in the next chapter of my life. 99% of layoffs don't allow for that time of transition. For me, it was essential to have that time, though. I was able to train my brain, daily, to not think of the safety net of corporate job; to train my thoughts to settle when they want to spin out of control; to train myself to not get emotional at the drop of a hat or to make emotional decisions; to prepare myself mentally for entrepreneurship. It is a task, for sure. I've been doing it, though, slowly but surely over the past weeks. I was able to try out different things, test some theories, do a lot of studying and research, and to really anchor myself with knowledge. Being drowned in knowledge is really crucial for me when it comes to making big decisions, and this time, I was determined to do it right.
Two years ago when I took that job, I promised myself that I would stay there until I was ready to strike out on my own. About 3 months in, I rephrased that: Once I left this job, I would not take another corporate job. I would work for myself, and myself only. So many times I wanted to quit that stank ass job and find another; so many times I had to remind myself that I'd taken this job with a purpose, and with a very specific goal in mind: use it as a launch pad to entrepreneurship. So I'd had to buckle down and fight my way through the discomfort, confusion, and frustration. I was gonna be a freelancer if it killed me!I didn't know how yet, but I had come to realize that i needed to work, on my own terms, in a field that I loved. Otherwise, my life would fail miserably. And that job was just the motivation I needed.
Its important to note that I was not completely prepared for it when news of this layoff struck. However, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was time. The time had come to take the leap because I had run out of excuses. I'd secretly watched my boss--a small business owner himself--run his company, make mistakes, find successes, and follow his dreams. Though I didn't always agree with his business practices, I was a sponge that soaked up everything about small business management that I possibly could. And can I just say that God has set it up so perfectly that if I were ever in doubt about whether or not now was the time, those doubts have been put to rest. I am one of those ppl who only get shit done successfully when there's a fire lit under me. If it ain't urgent, chances are, I'm gonna procrastinate. I got so comfortable in that job (in that life, truthfully) that all my hustle died. Well, most of it. Now, I have no man, no car, no full time job, barely any savings left after two short paychecks, and most of my human resources are tapped out. Yep. When it rains, it truly pours.
*opens cute pink and black umbrella then puts on favorite Prada sunglasses*
It's raining now because it has to in order for me care enough to high tail it forward into sunshiny beautiful days. In my old age (LOL), I understand that now; years ago, I didn't. And I'm thankful for that kinda growth. I look forward to more of it in the days and weeks and months to come.
*walks away whistling, under the umbrella*
Monday, June 28, 2010
My new 'Outta Depression Hair'
OK so if you guys follow my other blog then you know I've been in a huge funk lately. Huge. It was deep and dark and ugly for a minute, though I don't think I blogged about the deep dark ugly 'stuff'. Anyway, I hadn't been wearing any makeup (or doing any, for that matter), keeping up with my hair (hello hats and scarves, you are my friends), or taking very good care of my skin (i was too afraid to take pictures of my actual pores to post them in the last blog. It would've been too scary.) and I was just an all around mess. No one saw me very much and I barely talked to anyone. I was in crisis in so many ways and hesitant to even call what i felt a depression because that word just seemed so serious and hopeless, and I just wasn't ready to deal. Thankfully, I was able to get the help I needed, and I'm on my way--slowly and with great care--back to full medipacks. (For those of you who didn't play Lara Croft: Tomb Raider on PlayStation and don't know what a medipack is, click here.)
So, one day while roaming around the beauty supply store looking at all the hair and NYX makeup I would never buy, I stumbled across a mannequin with the fluffiest, softest curls I'd ever seen in this store. I immediately began to drool. A thousand questions ran through my mind, foremost being "How much is this hair??" and "How come I've never seen it here before??" After some investigating, I discovered the price ($44.99/pack) and the origin ("Its new, we just got it."). I wanted that hair. And I had to have it. But I was in between paychecks and couldn't justify paying $90 for hair at the time.
After I left the store, i felt very down. I wanted that hair!! I cursed my life for not having enough money to even buy $100 worth of my favorite hair, lol. *it was very serious* I drooled and daydreamed over this hair for about a month before I finally went back a few weeks ago, in a fit of depressed anxiety, and just bought it.
Internally, I struggled with the price all the way home, especially since a huge thunderstorm chose that precise moment to 'rain on my parade' and I found myself walking home in the rain with NO umbrella, but a bag full of new baby soft hair. But I didn't care. I'd needed something to make me feel better, and the hair worked perfectly. I decided in that moment that this would be my "I'm out of my depression and ready to be a diva again!" hair. My legs could not get me home fast enough to crack open those boxes and cut the twisty tie off the rolls and rolls of crinkly curly fabulousness!!! I don't know, y'all. There's something about the feeling of sliding that fresh roll of hair straight outta the box, smelling it, stroking it like a new kitten, holding it up in the light to check the blendableness (yes, I know that's not a real word. shuddup.) with my own hair. *smh* Instantly i noted that the color was too light, but since I'd already cut it open, I couldn't return that one pack. So, the other pack had to go back for a darker color.
Next, I had to find someone to cornrow my hair. This was always the hard part. Sewing tracks in was NOTHING compared to the hassle of finding someone to do my cornrows, or worse, trying to do them myself. #ohthehorror. It took me almost 3 weeks to get my cornrows done (just last Thursday) and now that they're done, its about 7402 degrees FAHRENHEIT outside and the last thing I wanna do is sew some long hair in :-(. Sigh. I will get to it, though probably not in the next few days. It's simply too hot. Besides, my depression isn't completely lifted yet so I still have time. When I come back to full divadom, I wanna come back RIGHT! So, I'll save it until then.
Here's a link to the hair: http://www.hairsisters.com/ver2/Weaving/OUTRE-PREMIUM-NATURAL-INDIAN-BABY-SOFT-WAVE/index.php
I can't figure out how to get a picture of it saved so you can see it directly, but if you click the link, it will take you directly there. I'll still work on the picture, though.
I can't wait for some less humid weather (and some sunnier emotional days too) cuz I will SHO NUFF (my homage to Julius Carry III) get it going with this hair!!
Later lovies!
BD
So, one day while roaming around the beauty supply store looking at all the hair and NYX makeup I would never buy, I stumbled across a mannequin with the fluffiest, softest curls I'd ever seen in this store. I immediately began to drool. A thousand questions ran through my mind, foremost being "How much is this hair??" and "How come I've never seen it here before??" After some investigating, I discovered the price ($44.99/pack) and the origin ("Its new, we just got it."). I wanted that hair. And I had to have it. But I was in between paychecks and couldn't justify paying $90 for hair at the time.
After I left the store, i felt very down. I wanted that hair!! I cursed my life for not having enough money to even buy $100 worth of my favorite hair, lol. *it was very serious* I drooled and daydreamed over this hair for about a month before I finally went back a few weeks ago, in a fit of depressed anxiety, and just bought it.
Internally, I struggled with the price all the way home, especially since a huge thunderstorm chose that precise moment to 'rain on my parade' and I found myself walking home in the rain with NO umbrella, but a bag full of new baby soft hair. But I didn't care. I'd needed something to make me feel better, and the hair worked perfectly. I decided in that moment that this would be my "I'm out of my depression and ready to be a diva again!" hair. My legs could not get me home fast enough to crack open those boxes and cut the twisty tie off the rolls and rolls of crinkly curly fabulousness!!! I don't know, y'all. There's something about the feeling of sliding that fresh roll of hair straight outta the box, smelling it, stroking it like a new kitten, holding it up in the light to check the blendableness (yes, I know that's not a real word. shuddup.) with my own hair. *smh* Instantly i noted that the color was too light, but since I'd already cut it open, I couldn't return that one pack. So, the other pack had to go back for a darker color.
Next, I had to find someone to cornrow my hair. This was always the hard part. Sewing tracks in was NOTHING compared to the hassle of finding someone to do my cornrows, or worse, trying to do them myself. #ohthehorror. It took me almost 3 weeks to get my cornrows done (just last Thursday) and now that they're done, its about 7402 degrees FAHRENHEIT outside and the last thing I wanna do is sew some long hair in :-(. Sigh. I will get to it, though probably not in the next few days. It's simply too hot. Besides, my depression isn't completely lifted yet so I still have time. When I come back to full divadom, I wanna come back RIGHT! So, I'll save it until then.
Here's a link to the hair: http://www.hairsisters.com/ver2/Weaving/OUTRE-PREMIUM-NATURAL-INDIAN-BABY-SOFT-WAVE/index.php
I can't figure out how to get a picture of it saved so you can see it directly, but if you click the link, it will take you directly there. I'll still work on the picture, though.
I can't wait for some less humid weather (and some sunnier emotional days too) cuz I will SHO NUFF (my homage to Julius Carry III) get it going with this hair!!
Later lovies!
BD
Confession: Baby Come Back!
So, he did it. He really did it. Isayah's father actually showed up on Saturday to pick him up and keep him for the entire summer. My baby's gone :-( Waaaaaah! The house is so empty and quiet. And while I love the quiet, having him gone--even just for this first few days--has shown me just how much I'd gotten used to having him around. I always complained about not having enough free time, or daydreamed about the sorts of cool hip shit I'd do if I found myself without him for an extended period of time. Saturday night, I caught a movie with Reina. Sunday I lounged by the pool (in the effin heat) with friends. My friend Tony brought steamed spiced shrimp
(that we DEVOURED) and some music and we frolicked poolside for the better part of the day. It was ridiculously hot so I didn't actually start to enjoy myself until later when it began to cool off, but it was still better than sitting in the house alone. Once they left, i watched a movie that eventually bored me to tears so I turned it off and continued to read my proofreading book. After that, i played solitaire on my phone for about an hour.
No, really. I played Solitaire.
Seriously.
Thankfully I can blame that on the fact that Sunday's are boring days unless there's something great to watch on TV...which I don't have (TV or cable)...so it all came down to Solitaire.
*Sigh* That was incredibly cool, hip shit, man.
Good times.
(that we DEVOURED) and some music and we frolicked poolside for the better part of the day. It was ridiculously hot so I didn't actually start to enjoy myself until later when it began to cool off, but it was still better than sitting in the house alone. Once they left, i watched a movie that eventually bored me to tears so I turned it off and continued to read my proofreading book. After that, i played solitaire on my phone for about an hour.
No, really. I played Solitaire.
Seriously.
Thankfully I can blame that on the fact that Sunday's are boring days unless there's something great to watch on TV...which I don't have (TV or cable)...so it all came down to Solitaire.
*Sigh* That was incredibly cool, hip shit, man.
Good times.
Confession: It's too damn hot for this
Does anyone know why its so damn hottttt outside??? And why i wasn't able to find a replacement car for myself before it got this hot and I had to walk in it? Does anyone know?
No?
*Sigh*
Aight then.
No?
*Sigh*
Aight then.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Isayahism #482657
Isayah: Ma, OMG, you will not believe the day I had in school today! Ok. I have good news, good news, and the best news. Which do you want first?
Me: Gimme the good news first.
Isayah: Ok. The good news is TOMORROW'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!
Me: Ok, lol. What's the good news?
Isayah: Ok. The other good news is our teacher is feeding us McDonald's for breakfast tomorrow, then we're doing fun projects in Language Arts, then it's PIZZA PARTY TIME!!!
Me: *gasp!* Are you gonna save me a slice?? *salivating already*
Isayah: Mom. You're, like, old. I'm in the 4th grade, and the pizza party is only for our 4th grade class. I mean, we'll be leaving school at 11 o'clock anyway. do you honestly think i could save you a slice of pizza and not eat it before you get home at 5:30?? do you know how much I like to EAT?? *eye roll*
Me: *Gas Face* Hmph.
Me: Gimme the good news first.
Isayah: Ok. The good news is TOMORROW'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!
Me: Ok, lol. What's the good news?
Isayah: Ok. The other good news is our teacher is feeding us McDonald's for breakfast tomorrow, then we're doing fun projects in Language Arts, then it's PIZZA PARTY TIME!!!
Me: *gasp!* Are you gonna save me a slice?? *salivating already*
Isayah: Mom. You're, like, old. I'm in the 4th grade, and the pizza party is only for our 4th grade class. I mean, we'll be leaving school at 11 o'clock anyway. do you honestly think i could save you a slice of pizza and not eat it before you get home at 5:30?? do you know how much I like to EAT?? *eye roll*
Me: *Gas Face* Hmph.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Confession: Sometimes I want OFF of this ride!
A few weeks back, I got the news that my job could be ending soon. I spent that entire day walking around in a daze of confusion, panic, and anxiety. Instantly, I had at least 136 questions: What would I do? Where would I go? What about not having a degree? Would that limit me even further? Would I have to start over from scratch?? "I'm too OLD to start over from scratch!!" wailed my inner grown up. How would I make it? When had I gotten so comfortable in this job that I'd stopped looking?? Fear, anxiety, guilty, MORE FEAR, worry, shame, and discombobulation all began to converge on my psyche at once. In total, I was a mess. A HOT ass mess. I had already been feeling depressed, had stopped wearing makeup regularly, and hadn't been out socially in months really. I didn't need this. LOL.
My relationships were in just about the same state. I had no boyfriend, every guy I met that I was really into disappeared without a word, my friendships had become awkward and stagnant, and I had lost most of the connections I had with people. After a while, i just didn't want to be bothered with anyone, even Isayah at times. So, I took a vacation. Preparing for a vacation (my first as an adult, might I add) was stressful but it provided a much needed distraction. Once I boarded the plane to sunny Miami, I immediately felt a little better. In hindsight, I realize how much pressure I put on Miami to make me feel better, to be the cure-all for what ailed me at the time. (Poor, poor Miami, LOL) I thought I would go to Miami, get some sun, get a great tan, flirt with cute boys, and eat some great food. I'm not much for the beach or the pool, but I certainly anticipated lying out next to one (or both). I thought that all of it would combine to clear my head and make things a bit easier to figure out.
What actually happened was a few things.
First, I discovered that you should not go to Miami without a transportation plan. Walking IS A SETUP. Let me say that once more for the people who speed read: WALKING, IN HOT ASS MIAMI, IS A SETUP. Rent a car. Rent a bike. Rent a fucking Vespa for all I care. Just...rent something other than cute new flip-flops.
Second, i discovered that Miami, outdoors, is not Big Girl friendly. I'll admit it. I've gained a few pounds since this time last year and I've not attempted to reduce them in the least. Knowing I was going to Miami, i should have, but didn't. The constant walking , coupled with the heat (no wonder their team is called The Heat) and (the subsequent friction and chafing of) my new thunder thighs did not make for fun times. I'd tried to jazz things up by wearing a two piece bathing suit --consisting of a tankini and boy short bottoms-- instead of the traditional one piece. Big mistake. I was CONSTANTLY tugging the top up, and the bottoms down. Apparently my boobs had a growth spurt without my permission and forgot to put me on notice. Yes, i did try it on before I bought it, smart ass, but somehow it ended up different once I actually wore it to the pool. Next time, pay the money and get the cute one piece from Newport News. My self esteem will certainly fare better next time in that bangin' one piece after I've seen half of The Americas strolling around super thin and half ass naked than it did on this trip.
My wardrobe plan was to wear nothing but maxi dresses, and my bathing suit. Let's just call that what it was: #epicfail. The dresses were long and HOT. The suit made me look (and feel) bigger and lumpier and more awkward than I can ever remember feeling. I'd thought I had a pretty decent self-esteem before this trip. Um, yeah. My self-esteem was a stranger to me by Day 2. I felt old, unattractive, and overweight. I became paranoid that everyone else was secretly feeling and thinking the same way but didn't care enough to even mention it. I felt...overlooked...and dismissed.
Third, I discovered that a vacation is just that: a break. It is not a cure. For anything. NOTHING. It is time spent in a (possibly) different place, doing (hopefully) different things, with (maybe) a different group of people. That's all it is. It's not really designed to help you have breakthroughs...unless of course you needed a breakthrough about where to relocate to, and you discover that your vacation spot is where you now want to LIVE, and you luck up and find employment AND housing while you're there. Otherwise, your problems will be right where you left them when you return home, sitting patiently on the other side of the door like a loyal puppy who missed you while you were gone. In fact, if your problems are anything like puppies I've had in the past, then they probably caused more trouble and made more of a mess of things while you were out neglecting them. *smh* Needless to say, my head wasn't clear. I actually left with about five problems, and came back--FROM VACATION--with about 12. Only I can pull that off.
Sigh.
The following week, I got the news about my job. *whispers* Damn.
Negative thoughts are like crack: once you start, it's kinda hard to stop.
(*Disclaimer: I have never smoked cracked in my entire life. That's just what I heard. LOL.* )
I was an emotional wreck, the negative thoughts wouldn't stop, and I was running out of money. I spent way too much money in Miami so I had to tap into my savings upon my return home. My job was cutting my part time pay (I cleaned the office) so my income would be short, henceforth.
It was time for a serious hiatus. I turned my phone off, closed down all communications with FB and Twitter, and I stopped responding to texts and emails. I got cursed the hell out for that last move, so I just responded to folks that i was lying low and would hit them back when I resurfaced. I don't even remember how long ago that was. But, if you go back and look at some of my most recent posts, it won't be hard to tell when it all started going south, lol.
This is such an emotional roller coaster I'm on. It would be nice to get off and ride a smoother ride for a while.
My relationships were in just about the same state. I had no boyfriend, every guy I met that I was really into disappeared without a word, my friendships had become awkward and stagnant, and I had lost most of the connections I had with people. After a while, i just didn't want to be bothered with anyone, even Isayah at times. So, I took a vacation. Preparing for a vacation (my first as an adult, might I add) was stressful but it provided a much needed distraction. Once I boarded the plane to sunny Miami, I immediately felt a little better. In hindsight, I realize how much pressure I put on Miami to make me feel better, to be the cure-all for what ailed me at the time. (Poor, poor Miami, LOL) I thought I would go to Miami, get some sun, get a great tan, flirt with cute boys, and eat some great food. I'm not much for the beach or the pool, but I certainly anticipated lying out next to one (or both). I thought that all of it would combine to clear my head and make things a bit easier to figure out.
What actually happened was a few things.
First, I discovered that you should not go to Miami without a transportation plan. Walking IS A SETUP. Let me say that once more for the people who speed read: WALKING, IN HOT ASS MIAMI, IS A SETUP. Rent a car. Rent a bike. Rent a fucking Vespa for all I care. Just...rent something other than cute new flip-flops.
Second, i discovered that Miami, outdoors, is not Big Girl friendly. I'll admit it. I've gained a few pounds since this time last year and I've not attempted to reduce them in the least. Knowing I was going to Miami, i should have, but didn't. The constant walking , coupled with the heat (no wonder their team is called The Heat) and (the subsequent friction and chafing of) my new thunder thighs did not make for fun times. I'd tried to jazz things up by wearing a two piece bathing suit --consisting of a tankini and boy short bottoms-- instead of the traditional one piece. Big mistake. I was CONSTANTLY tugging the top up, and the bottoms down. Apparently my boobs had a growth spurt without my permission and forgot to put me on notice. Yes, i did try it on before I bought it, smart ass, but somehow it ended up different once I actually wore it to the pool. Next time, pay the money and get the cute one piece from Newport News. My self esteem will certainly fare better next time in that bangin' one piece after I've seen half of The Americas strolling around super thin and half ass naked than it did on this trip.
My wardrobe plan was to wear nothing but maxi dresses, and my bathing suit. Let's just call that what it was: #epicfail. The dresses were long and HOT. The suit made me look (and feel) bigger and lumpier and more awkward than I can ever remember feeling. I'd thought I had a pretty decent self-esteem before this trip. Um, yeah. My self-esteem was a stranger to me by Day 2. I felt old, unattractive, and overweight. I became paranoid that everyone else was secretly feeling and thinking the same way but didn't care enough to even mention it. I felt...overlooked...and dismissed.
Third, I discovered that a vacation is just that: a break. It is not a cure. For anything. NOTHING. It is time spent in a (possibly) different place, doing (hopefully) different things, with (maybe) a different group of people. That's all it is. It's not really designed to help you have breakthroughs...unless of course you needed a breakthrough about where to relocate to, and you discover that your vacation spot is where you now want to LIVE, and you luck up and find employment AND housing while you're there. Otherwise, your problems will be right where you left them when you return home, sitting patiently on the other side of the door like a loyal puppy who missed you while you were gone. In fact, if your problems are anything like puppies I've had in the past, then they probably caused more trouble and made more of a mess of things while you were out neglecting them. *smh* Needless to say, my head wasn't clear. I actually left with about five problems, and came back--FROM VACATION--with about 12. Only I can pull that off.
Sigh.
The following week, I got the news about my job. *whispers* Damn.
Negative thoughts are like crack: once you start, it's kinda hard to stop.
(*Disclaimer: I have never smoked cracked in my entire life. That's just what I heard. LOL.* )
I was an emotional wreck, the negative thoughts wouldn't stop, and I was running out of money. I spent way too much money in Miami so I had to tap into my savings upon my return home. My job was cutting my part time pay (I cleaned the office) so my income would be short, henceforth.
It was time for a serious hiatus. I turned my phone off, closed down all communications with FB and Twitter, and I stopped responding to texts and emails. I got cursed the hell out for that last move, so I just responded to folks that i was lying low and would hit them back when I resurfaced. I don't even remember how long ago that was. But, if you go back and look at some of my most recent posts, it won't be hard to tell when it all started going south, lol.
This is such an emotional roller coaster I'm on. It would be nice to get off and ride a smoother ride for a while.
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