A few years back, I went through a phase where I collected motivational quotes and sayings. At one point, I challenged myself to make one up: a quote or saying that encompassed all that I believe about life and living.
Here's what I came up with:
"God does all things decent and in order. He will never do what is unnecessary and for this reason we must always remember that nothing in life is left to chance, that ALL things happen for a reason. Whether we choose to acknowledge the reason, ignore the reason, use the reason to our advantage, or even care about the reason is entirely up to us. Some might opt to not believe in God altogether. Whatever the choice, know this: Whether God exists or not, we will only pass through this life once, so take care to choose wisely."
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
New Hair!
This hair, on the other hand, is a dream. I've gone back to synthetic hair (the 'depression' hair was my attempted return to human/indian remy hair) and instantly remember why. this hair is soft, manageable, and very low maintenance. I put it in, combed out the curls with a wide tooth comb, and haven't even thought about it since. no combing, no products, nothing. zilch. for good measure (read: to feel like a grown up) i tie it up in a satin scarf at night...but even if i didn't, it would still look the same. I just don't want lint and crap to get in it from the linens, lol.
Heavenly, this hair also matches my natural curl pattern perfectly! As you can see, I'm growing my natural hair out, and it is the easiest thing to just twist the hair i left out (my horse shoe) up into bantu knots with hair lotion at night, and not worry about how it will blend when i take them out in the morning. I think this might be my rest-of-the-summer hair.
Loves it!!
I was just telling Taya on Sunday that I have no idea how I will wear my hair in the fall since I'm wearing all the big heavy hairstyles during the summer months, lol. No worries....i still have plenty in the arsenal to choose from. And as long as Keri Hilson and Beyonce Knowles are alive and working, I'll never run out of style inspirations!
Oh, and here's the link to the hair: it's called the Temptation curl
http://www.amazon.com/Shake-Freetress-Equal-Temptation-Weave/dp/B002QDYX9S
Confession: I'm panicking that I'm not...well, panicking
As many of you know, I was laid off from my job at the beginning of last month. I have since launched (or, begun proceedings to launch) a freelance proofreading and editing business, and it's moving right along. I don't have clients jumping off the page (er, uh, screen), but I am pleased with the progress that I'm making. Everyday is a new learning experience that I openly and warmly invite each morning when I awake. There are so many things I didn't expect to enjoy (like how really really REALLY good it feels to sleep in in the mornings and work at night) and things I didn't expect to learn (like the importance of quality over quantity).
The only trouble I'm having right now is: Why am I not panicking? Rent is certainly due on the 5th, in two days. And I don't have the money. My unemployment is taking forever to activate, and I truly have no idea where my rent money will come from. I just know it will come from somewhere.
Now, before we get ahead of ourselves, let's be clear: working for yourself is hard work. AND LOTS OF IT. Success should never be assumed or taken for granted. But, there's something to be said for 1)having a relationship with an awesome God; 2)knowing that what's happening is part of the master plan, and that this is what's supposed to happen; and 3)believing in yourself unconditionally, even when your friends and family give you never-ending side eyes for not desperately trying to "hurry up and find a 'regular job', just to get some money coming in". There is a sense of calm and okayness surrounding it, not because I think I'm the shit (which, I do) but because this is the life I wanted for myself. To quote one of my favorite people and my favorite quote, "I created this happiness by choice." It's what I said I wanted, and this is the beginning of that manifestation. (i think I'll go scan that and do a post about it...hmmmm)
Admittedly though, as a worrier, I find it juuuuust a tad disconcerting that I'm not worried about how things will work out positively, especially since I don't have the details of exactly when they will. I'm not used to this!
It appears that being self-employed is the one thing that has given me peace, after years and years of working for The Man. I can't explain it. I just know inside that this is the right choice. That said, I have no steady income, no insurance, I do have prospects but no regular clients yet. Each day, I study, study, study; each day, i cross things off my to-do list; each day, as the day before, I get up and go about the business of maintaining my home/office, care for my family, and try to come up with a new idea for income. Yet, each day there's no income. Not yet. And while I can't say that "I couldn't care less" (because I certainly could), I can say I truly believe that if I do the work, the money will come. I believe that, deep down, all the way to the core of my being. But the money's not coming yet...so why am I not pulling my hair out??!! These bills are due NOW! LOL!
Having the benefit of forewarning before my layoff was something I didn't take for granted; I knew I would need to prepare myself in ways I'd never prepared myself before. I was about to embark on a journey I'd never been on before, and I would do it alone. I needed my mind ready. So, while I studied and read every book, article, blog, and you-name-it-i-devoured-it for weeks, I also had little 'visualization sessions' where I pictured myself working from HOME, not having money coming in for a while, being calm while it took a few months to get things off the ground. I knew this might happen, so I subconsciously put myself there--in that moment of fear and panic of not knowing where my next paycheck would come from--over and over. But I didn't know if it would actually WORK to keep the panic at bay, lol. Seriously, I didn't.
Any new endeavor comes with a significant amount of trial and error, no matter how much you try to prepare yourself. Though I've never done this before, I knew it was a monumental task I'd set for myself, this business of self-employment. And I knew I would have to challenge myself in ways I'd never previously thought of. LOL, I'm not insane: I realize that in order to have a different outcome, I need to employ different tactics. Permanent failure is not an option for me so while I rise to the challenge of learning new things about business and finance, I must also rise to the challenge of learning new things about me...but it's still scary to not be scared, especially when I'm so used to it...especially when I open the mailbox each day.
So far, i haven't missed any meals. Isayah missed his second week of camp...but at least he was able to go for a week, so I'm okay with him missing the second week. I have what I need; wants will come later. I believe in what I'm doing wholeheartedly, and I'm not willing to rush it and have it go wrong because of fear or panic. Too often, poor disabling IRREPARABLE choices are made during moments of panic and fear; this is way too important for that. So, while I'm definitely not chillin' and resting on my laurels, I'm enjoying and absorbing the experience, fearlessly.
Failure is a huge part of success. Let me repeat that for the people who just skim through posts: FAILURE IS A HUGE PART OF SUCCESS. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they are lying to you. 'Dja get that? Read it again: L.Y.I.N.G. to you. There's no way around it, not even for me with my overly inflated ego *eye roll*. Therefore, if I fear one, I must fear the other....and while the idea of success at
If I don't do anything wrong, I'm clearly not learning anything...which means i'm headed nowhere, and FAST.
That's when y'all should start worrying about me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Song of the Day: Never Give Up
Yolanda Adams Never Give Up (Video Version)
I don't know how or why (and quite frankly, don't care) Yolanda Adams wrote this song for me, but I sure do appreciate that she did. I listened to it on repeat today as I walked home from work for the final time. Every single word to this song describes how I felt today, and what I'll need (for the rest of my life) in order to accomplish the tall orders I've served myself.
Confession: I was more emotional than I thought I'd be
...as I walked out of my office today, for the last time. The buyout did NOT go through, the layoff is official, and today was my last day. It was all so surreal. I felt...like I was losing a child, lol. Which sounds strange, I know, but is true. I worked so hard--shoot, we all did--to make this company a success and to see it all go down the drain--literally--was kinda hard.
I am thankful that God gave me notice and made it so that I would have time to prepare, to plan, and to position myself according to what must happen in the next chapter of my life. 99% of layoffs don't allow for that time of transition. For me, it was essential to have that time, though. I was able to train my brain, daily, to not think of the safety net of corporate job; to train my thoughts to settle when they want to spin out of control; to train myself to not get emotional at the drop of a hat or to make emotional decisions; to prepare myself mentally for entrepreneurship. It is a task, for sure. I've been doing it, though, slowly but surely over the past weeks. I was able to try out different things, test some theories, do a lot of studying and research, and to really anchor myself with knowledge. Being drowned in knowledge is really crucial for me when it comes to making big decisions, and this time, I was determined to do it right.
Two years ago when I took that job, I promised myself that I would stay there until I was ready to strike out on my own. About 3 months in, I rephrased that: Once I left this job, I would not take another corporate job. I would work for myself, and myself only. So many times I wanted to quit that stank ass job and find another; so many times I had to remind myself that I'd taken this job with a purpose, and with a very specific goal in mind: use it as a launch pad to entrepreneurship. So I'd had to buckle down and fight my way through the discomfort, confusion, and frustration. I was gonna be a freelancer if it killed me!I didn't know how yet, but I had come to realize that i needed to work, on my own terms, in a field that I loved. Otherwise, my life would fail miserably. And that job was just the motivation I needed.
Its important to note that I was not completely prepared for it when news of this layoff struck. However, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was time. The time had come to take the leap because I had run out of excuses. I'd secretly watched my boss--a small business owner himself--run his company, make mistakes, find successes, and follow his dreams. Though I didn't always agree with his business practices, I was a sponge that soaked up everything about small business management that I possibly could. And can I just say that God has set it up so perfectly that if I were ever in doubt about whether or not now was the time, those doubts have been put to rest. I am one of those ppl who only get shit done successfully when there's a fire lit under me. If it ain't urgent, chances are, I'm gonna procrastinate. I got so comfortable in that job (in that life, truthfully) that all my hustle died. Well, most of it. Now, I have no man, no car, no full time job, barely any savings left after two short paychecks, and most of my human resources are tapped out. Yep. When it rains, it truly pours.
*opens cute pink and black umbrella then puts on favorite Prada sunglasses*
It's raining now because it has to in order for me care enough to high tail it forward into sunshiny beautiful days. In my old age (LOL), I understand that now; years ago, I didn't. And I'm thankful for that kinda growth. I look forward to more of it in the days and weeks and months to come.
*walks away whistling, under the umbrella*
I am thankful that God gave me notice and made it so that I would have time to prepare, to plan, and to position myself according to what must happen in the next chapter of my life. 99% of layoffs don't allow for that time of transition. For me, it was essential to have that time, though. I was able to train my brain, daily, to not think of the safety net of corporate job; to train my thoughts to settle when they want to spin out of control; to train myself to not get emotional at the drop of a hat or to make emotional decisions; to prepare myself mentally for entrepreneurship. It is a task, for sure. I've been doing it, though, slowly but surely over the past weeks. I was able to try out different things, test some theories, do a lot of studying and research, and to really anchor myself with knowledge. Being drowned in knowledge is really crucial for me when it comes to making big decisions, and this time, I was determined to do it right.
Two years ago when I took that job, I promised myself that I would stay there until I was ready to strike out on my own. About 3 months in, I rephrased that: Once I left this job, I would not take another corporate job. I would work for myself, and myself only. So many times I wanted to quit that stank ass job and find another; so many times I had to remind myself that I'd taken this job with a purpose, and with a very specific goal in mind: use it as a launch pad to entrepreneurship. So I'd had to buckle down and fight my way through the discomfort, confusion, and frustration. I was gonna be a freelancer if it killed me!I didn't know how yet, but I had come to realize that i needed to work, on my own terms, in a field that I loved. Otherwise, my life would fail miserably. And that job was just the motivation I needed.
Its important to note that I was not completely prepared for it when news of this layoff struck. However, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was time. The time had come to take the leap because I had run out of excuses. I'd secretly watched my boss--a small business owner himself--run his company, make mistakes, find successes, and follow his dreams. Though I didn't always agree with his business practices, I was a sponge that soaked up everything about small business management that I possibly could. And can I just say that God has set it up so perfectly that if I were ever in doubt about whether or not now was the time, those doubts have been put to rest. I am one of those ppl who only get shit done successfully when there's a fire lit under me. If it ain't urgent, chances are, I'm gonna procrastinate. I got so comfortable in that job (in that life, truthfully) that all my hustle died. Well, most of it. Now, I have no man, no car, no full time job, barely any savings left after two short paychecks, and most of my human resources are tapped out. Yep. When it rains, it truly pours.
*opens cute pink and black umbrella then puts on favorite Prada sunglasses*
It's raining now because it has to in order for me care enough to high tail it forward into sunshiny beautiful days. In my old age (LOL), I understand that now; years ago, I didn't. And I'm thankful for that kinda growth. I look forward to more of it in the days and weeks and months to come.
*walks away whistling, under the umbrella*
Monday, June 28, 2010
My new 'Outta Depression Hair'
OK so if you guys follow my other blog then you know I've been in a huge funk lately. Huge. It was deep and dark and ugly for a minute, though I don't think I blogged about the deep dark ugly 'stuff'. Anyway, I hadn't been wearing any makeup (or doing any, for that matter), keeping up with my hair (hello hats and scarves, you are my friends), or taking very good care of my skin (i was too afraid to take pictures of my actual pores to post them in the last blog. It would've been too scary.) and I was just an all around mess. No one saw me very much and I barely talked to anyone. I was in crisis in so many ways and hesitant to even call what i felt a depression because that word just seemed so serious and hopeless, and I just wasn't ready to deal. Thankfully, I was able to get the help I needed, and I'm on my way--slowly and with great care--back to full medipacks. (For those of you who didn't play Lara Croft: Tomb Raider on PlayStation and don't know what a medipack is, click here.)
So, one day while roaming around the beauty supply store looking at all the hair and NYX makeup I would never buy, I stumbled across a mannequin with the fluffiest, softest curls I'd ever seen in this store. I immediately began to drool. A thousand questions ran through my mind, foremost being "How much is this hair??" and "How come I've never seen it here before??" After some investigating, I discovered the price ($44.99/pack) and the origin ("Its new, we just got it."). I wanted that hair. And I had to have it. But I was in between paychecks and couldn't justify paying $90 for hair at the time.
After I left the store, i felt very down. I wanted that hair!! I cursed my life for not having enough money to even buy $100 worth of my favorite hair, lol. *it was very serious* I drooled and daydreamed over this hair for about a month before I finally went back a few weeks ago, in a fit of depressed anxiety, and just bought it.
Internally, I struggled with the price all the way home, especially since a huge thunderstorm chose that precise moment to 'rain on my parade' and I found myself walking home in the rain with NO umbrella, but a bag full of new baby soft hair. But I didn't care. I'd needed something to make me feel better, and the hair worked perfectly. I decided in that moment that this would be my "I'm out of my depression and ready to be a diva again!" hair. My legs could not get me home fast enough to crack open those boxes and cut the twisty tie off the rolls and rolls of crinkly curly fabulousness!!! I don't know, y'all. There's something about the feeling of sliding that fresh roll of hair straight outta the box, smelling it, stroking it like a new kitten, holding it up in the light to check the blendableness (yes, I know that's not a real word. shuddup.) with my own hair. *smh* Instantly i noted that the color was too light, but since I'd already cut it open, I couldn't return that one pack. So, the other pack had to go back for a darker color.
Next, I had to find someone to cornrow my hair. This was always the hard part. Sewing tracks in was NOTHING compared to the hassle of finding someone to do my cornrows, or worse, trying to do them myself. #ohthehorror. It took me almost 3 weeks to get my cornrows done (just last Thursday) and now that they're done, its about 7402 degrees FAHRENHEIT outside and the last thing I wanna do is sew some long hair in :-(. Sigh. I will get to it, though probably not in the next few days. It's simply too hot. Besides, my depression isn't completely lifted yet so I still have time. When I come back to full divadom, I wanna come back RIGHT! So, I'll save it until then.
Here's a link to the hair: http://www.hairsisters.com/ver2/Weaving/OUTRE-PREMIUM-NATURAL-INDIAN-BABY-SOFT-WAVE/index.php
I can't figure out how to get a picture of it saved so you can see it directly, but if you click the link, it will take you directly there. I'll still work on the picture, though.
I can't wait for some less humid weather (and some sunnier emotional days too) cuz I will SHO NUFF (my homage to Julius Carry III) get it going with this hair!!
Later lovies!
BD
So, one day while roaming around the beauty supply store looking at all the hair and NYX makeup I would never buy, I stumbled across a mannequin with the fluffiest, softest curls I'd ever seen in this store. I immediately began to drool. A thousand questions ran through my mind, foremost being "How much is this hair??" and "How come I've never seen it here before??" After some investigating, I discovered the price ($44.99/pack) and the origin ("Its new, we just got it."). I wanted that hair. And I had to have it. But I was in between paychecks and couldn't justify paying $90 for hair at the time.
After I left the store, i felt very down. I wanted that hair!! I cursed my life for not having enough money to even buy $100 worth of my favorite hair, lol. *it was very serious* I drooled and daydreamed over this hair for about a month before I finally went back a few weeks ago, in a fit of depressed anxiety, and just bought it.
Internally, I struggled with the price all the way home, especially since a huge thunderstorm chose that precise moment to 'rain on my parade' and I found myself walking home in the rain with NO umbrella, but a bag full of new baby soft hair. But I didn't care. I'd needed something to make me feel better, and the hair worked perfectly. I decided in that moment that this would be my "I'm out of my depression and ready to be a diva again!" hair. My legs could not get me home fast enough to crack open those boxes and cut the twisty tie off the rolls and rolls of crinkly curly fabulousness!!! I don't know, y'all. There's something about the feeling of sliding that fresh roll of hair straight outta the box, smelling it, stroking it like a new kitten, holding it up in the light to check the blendableness (yes, I know that's not a real word. shuddup.) with my own hair. *smh* Instantly i noted that the color was too light, but since I'd already cut it open, I couldn't return that one pack. So, the other pack had to go back for a darker color.
Next, I had to find someone to cornrow my hair. This was always the hard part. Sewing tracks in was NOTHING compared to the hassle of finding someone to do my cornrows, or worse, trying to do them myself. #ohthehorror. It took me almost 3 weeks to get my cornrows done (just last Thursday) and now that they're done, its about 7402 degrees FAHRENHEIT outside and the last thing I wanna do is sew some long hair in :-(. Sigh. I will get to it, though probably not in the next few days. It's simply too hot. Besides, my depression isn't completely lifted yet so I still have time. When I come back to full divadom, I wanna come back RIGHT! So, I'll save it until then.
Here's a link to the hair: http://www.hairsisters.com/ver2/Weaving/OUTRE-PREMIUM-NATURAL-INDIAN-BABY-SOFT-WAVE/index.php
I can't figure out how to get a picture of it saved so you can see it directly, but if you click the link, it will take you directly there. I'll still work on the picture, though.
I can't wait for some less humid weather (and some sunnier emotional days too) cuz I will SHO NUFF (my homage to Julius Carry III) get it going with this hair!!
Later lovies!
BD
Confession: Baby Come Back!
So, he did it. He really did it. Isayah's father actually showed up on Saturday to pick him up and keep him for the entire summer. My baby's gone :-( Waaaaaah! The house is so empty and quiet. And while I love the quiet, having him gone--even just for this first few days--has shown me just how much I'd gotten used to having him around. I always complained about not having enough free time, or daydreamed about the sorts of cool hip shit I'd do if I found myself without him for an extended period of time. Saturday night, I caught a movie with Reina. Sunday I lounged by the pool (in the effin heat) with friends. My friend Tony brought steamed spiced shrimp
(that we DEVOURED) and some music and we frolicked poolside for the better part of the day. It was ridiculously hot so I didn't actually start to enjoy myself until later when it began to cool off, but it was still better than sitting in the house alone. Once they left, i watched a movie that eventually bored me to tears so I turned it off and continued to read my proofreading book. After that, i played solitaire on my phone for about an hour.
No, really. I played Solitaire.
Seriously.
Thankfully I can blame that on the fact that Sunday's are boring days unless there's something great to watch on TV...which I don't have (TV or cable)...so it all came down to Solitaire.
*Sigh* That was incredibly cool, hip shit, man.
Good times.
(that we DEVOURED) and some music and we frolicked poolside for the better part of the day. It was ridiculously hot so I didn't actually start to enjoy myself until later when it began to cool off, but it was still better than sitting in the house alone. Once they left, i watched a movie that eventually bored me to tears so I turned it off and continued to read my proofreading book. After that, i played solitaire on my phone for about an hour.
No, really. I played Solitaire.
Seriously.
Thankfully I can blame that on the fact that Sunday's are boring days unless there's something great to watch on TV...which I don't have (TV or cable)...so it all came down to Solitaire.
*Sigh* That was incredibly cool, hip shit, man.
Good times.
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