Hello Fear, My Old Friend

Last night I had the pleasure of enjoying a motivational chat with a makeup friend who has become a great mentor. Just the other day I was pontificating (*pimp voice* yeah...you like it when I use big words *__*) on how and where I would find the motivation to get Unstuck and get the fuck on with my life, from right where I am. And two days later, I had an in depth conversation about why my methods weren't working so far.

I don't believe in myself. Not enough anyway.

Maybe this isn't news for some of you, but for me, it's a shameful thing to realize. As much as I preach to folks about going hard, lol, maybe I was talking to myself the whole ENTIRE time. Hmph!

The convo started around makeup, of course, but quickly turned to a question of goals, values, and willingness to leave a comfort zone. I realized that me making a power move was really me running away from choosing an undiscovered path, figuring out what work needs to be done to walk down that path, and waking up and doing that work, steadily, consistently, and faithfully...every single day. My sister had suggested something similar to me about a week ago, but I didn't listen. I called her a dick and hung up on her. She was right...but she's still a dick. For completely unrelated reasons. Bitch. 

The wedding and beauty industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. That's a fact. Part of those billions of dollars goes directly to wedding vendors, like caterers, florists, and yes, MAKEUP ARTISTS. There are easily hundreds of makeup artists and hair stylists who are making a baseline of $100K per year. EASILY. But they aren't doing it by bouncing around all over the place, not like I am anyway. They started somewhere, did what they could, and the more they did it, the better they got. Blah blah blah and years later, they're making $5000/face, per wedding. Obviously, that's not the case with me, but my point is that until it really sank in last night and then this morning when I woke up....the idea that that WILL be me one day was really just a pipe dream. Something I thought of in very abstract terms, like unicorns and The Universe. It's POSSIBLE, but I've never really lived it or seen it...so it's only really real when I feel like thinking of it as truth. Does that make sense? Probably not.

But, in layman's terms, I need to saddown somedamnwhere and do better. And I'm realizing that I've always needed to. Believing that that could be me, not just making the money, but making that kind of money doing something I absolutely LOVE, not just working a job and having something to complain about everyday? That's a completely foreign idea to me. I've been programmed to think that that doesn't happen in real life. I know where that programming comes from, but I need to undo it. I seriously need to go in deep and uproot that false belief, and replace it with some good shit. And THAT SHIT is scary! Because it means that I may have to start questioning EVERYTHING I thought I knew up to this point. Was I wrong about other things too?? Dear Gawd!

But before I start doin too damn much AGAIN, lol, let me just start with that one thing. I first have to stop thinking of being a makeup artist as 'a side thing', like bein a dope boy or screwing a ugly dude that I would never introduce to my friends. I *AM* a makeup artist, every second of every day, whether I'm working or not! And I happen to be ok at it. It allows me to do a BUNCH of other things that I love, namely working on movies and teaching people how to do something independently (when I give private lessons). It is, among other things, who I am FULL TIME, and I have to start thinking of it like that. It's going to take me where I need to go, and I have to learn to trust that and trust it faithfully. This is a huge leap of faith for me, and pardon me for being slow but, I'm just now realizing this. Now that I'm IN it, it's bringing up so many issues that I didn't even know I had. I thought it would be as easy as just showing up, doing the work, and collecting the money. *buzzer noise* Ehhhk! WRONG! Nope. It's both a passion and a business, and there are rules, but I have to/get to make them up. Sounds fun...until you realize how hard that is for someone who's only ever worked for other people their entire life. *bewildered eyes* But, Texas didn't happen. I still don't understand why, I'm just following where UniGod (for those of you who don't speak Dreanese, I have a friend named Drea who isn't religious but is very spiritual and, like me, doesn't separate God and The Universe. They are one and the same for us, so she calls it UniGod. Cute!) is leading me and, today, that is right here in front of my laptop, at my desk, alone with my thoughts and fears and talents and the few resources I have. Learning which habits I need to break and which beliefs to unseat, and which ones to pick up. Fighting to swim upstream against my fears.

I tend to overthink things. A Lot. It hasn't really been working for me, so maybe I'll set that down for a while and try a different way to kick this fear of success and solopreneurship.

There's a rush of noise coming from a critical voice in my head, blasting behind my eyes and in my ears, screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING! GO GET A JOB, MORON!" It sounds a LOT like my dad.

This past Monday, I was in the bathroom giving the puppy a bath, my dad was in the den next door. He picked up the phone to make a call and I heard him saying "hello? Hellllooo? May I speak to Eesa, please?" It was clearly the first time he'd called this number, like maybe he'd just gotten it last night. Because my dad is one of those annoying people who can't possibly talk on his phone quietly, everyone hears everything he says, and I KNOW he knows this. Whomever Eesa is, she came to the phone, remembered who he was, and they proceeded to chat. At one point, I'm sure she asked "What are you doin?", to which he responded (in the grossest phone bone voice I've ever heard) "Thinking about you." Super.Fuckin.Gag!!!!

He went on to spit some other lame ass, faux-smooth lines to her, at which point I think he heard me splashing around and fussing with the puppy in the tub, remembered I was right next door, and quickly got off the phone. My dad has been alive for 60 years, 38 of which he's spent married to my mom come November 2013. He has 4 children that don't belong to my mom, only 1 of which existed before he met her. I love him, in the only way I can, but I think its safe to say that my dad's voice is no longer the one I should be listening to, even when it screams in Autotune. I probably could've stopped listening sometime around April 1989.

Just in time for Father's Day,

Dear Dad:

I'm going to revamp my goals list to NOT reflect a move to Texas, get my plan together, and take a few more steps. That's all I can really do. And when a fear comes up, I'll counteract it by taking another step. For me, the only way to kill the fear is to smother it with progress. Its a day in, day out process which I hope to be brave enough to continue to share here on my blog. I'm taking several big steps today, so wish me luck!




I love you all!

BD

Finding Motivation

Part of growing and developing as a person is finding inspiration and looking to those who've come before you for guidance, if necessary.  When you're an artist -- of any kind -- it can be particularly difficult to find inspiration when you feel unmotivated. The advent of social media has given the general public a false sense of entrance into the lives of celebrities we admire, and as such, we feel like we know them. We don't. But we do get glimpses of how they live, and this can be very inspiring, particularly if they lead a lifestyle that you wish to mimic.

Sometimes I struggle with knowing where to draw the line at admiring and finding inspiration, and comparing myself. I'm not really envious of celebrities. Not really. It's not my desire to be a celebrity. It may come with the territory at some point, and I'm fine with that, but that's not the goal. During the course of the past year, I've dealt with a deep depression that stemmed primarily from the alienation of my son by his father and new stepmother. Unbeknownst to me at the time, there's a name for it (other than Reasons Why Your Child's Father Should Be Lacerated with Crusty Razor Blades and Doused in Lemon Juice) called Parental Alienation Syndrome.  It has been, without a doubt, the most horrifying experience I've ever successfully endured. As many of you know, I was molested as a child. I was later raped as an adult. I've been homeless. I've been poor. I've been beaten. I grew up in a home with an abusive, drug-addicted, alcoholic parent. I have certainly had my share of bad experiences as well as good ones.

The daily suffering of watching and listening to your child being brainwashed by his other parent, poisoned against you, used against you, and withheld from you....is a whole new level of horrifying. It tests and challenges you in ways you couldn't ever know. To hear your own child, one that you carried and birthed and sacrificed for, cried for, prayed over, and would still die for, say things to you and about you, to lie to your face and repeat things that you KNOW HE HEARD the other parent say....and to not kill that child, OR THAT OTHER PARENT, is a whole new level of mothering.

Everyone has an idea of what they believe they'd do in any given situation. "Giiiirl, that could NOT BE ME!! They'd put me UNDER the jail! I don't play that!" OK. And that's fine for some people. But, I've *BEEN* to jail. I know what jail is like. And before I jump out there and run back to it, I need to be CLEAR on why I might be heading back.

Fighting against a co-parent is one thing. But when the co-parent has turned the child against you, its a different ball game. You're outnumbered. And yeah, sure, you can call the court. There is a custody order in place and legally, nope, he can't do that. But is the judge there when you finally get a visitation, and the child is lying to you constantly? When he's stealing from you? When he says you've never done anything for him, or been there for him unlike his other parent who's 'always been there'? When it becomes clear to you that your child's perception of you is based SOLELY on the child's FATHER'S perception of you -- regardless of who you were to the child before -- what exactly do you do? How do you not take that personally?

EVERYTHING about that is personal.

When your friends and family tell you "don't pay that no mind, he still loves you. He knows you're his mom, and nothing will change that. He is just a baby. Don't blame him, he's being brainwashed.", they truly mean well. But on a deeper and more realistic level, they have no clue wtf else to say to you, ESPECIALLY if they've never lived it. They don't understand that confusion, that shame, that daily re-wounding of your heart. They have no idea why you won't just get mad enough to teach that other parent a lesson. And they certainly can't know what it is to live in constant fear, day in and day out, that your child won't ever be returned to you the way you sent him to his other parent. That the relationship may never be repaired because the dissolution of said relationship with the child didn't occur on your terms, or even because of anything you did to the child. Even if they have kids, they must not realize that, for you, your bottom line is and ALWAYS WILL BE to keep your child safe and happy. Hurting the other parent hurts the child. Blaming the child -- a juvenile -- is foolish. Fighting in front of the child guarantees that the child suffers, now and later. In all things that you do, because the child is a child, the child will pay the price ultimately. As a parent, I am completely and totally UNWILLING to do battle with the other parent if it will endanger my son in a harmful way, even emotionally. If that means that I have to stay away, for however long, then that's what it means.

Some might argue that I haven't tried hard enough. Eh. They're entitled to their opinions. Some things can't be understood until they've been survived. It is the height of insulting to suggest to a rape victim that they could've done more to prevent their assault. Or to say to a hate crime victim 'why don't you just stop being who you are, so you won't get targeted?'

Some things are black and white, while others are bursting with color. I've seen my son a total of MAYBE 3 times this year. And that's a strong maybe. It's not for my lack of trying, though. I haven't seen him on a holiday in 2 Christmases and 3 Thanksgivings. No report cards, no pictures, very rarely I get a phone call. When I do see him, I ask him what is this all about? Its not just your dad, YOU participate in it too. He never has an answer, and I know that to badger him about it will only make it worse. So, I resolve to just try to enjoy the time we have together, brief as it may be. My family and I don't buy Christmas or birthday gifts for him anymore.  There's no point, we know we won't see him. His father is the king of making plans and not showing up. Or just not even answering the phone altogether. There are feelings of being unwanted, of feeling victimized, of being punished for a crime that wasn't committed. so many colorful things that make it hard for me to find a viable, doable, lesser of two evils solution.

I still don't have one, but I needed to write about it and stop hiding it like it's some shameful thing I did in a dark alley someplace. I am not a perfect parent. I am not a perfect person. That won't EVER happen. But I have not been a bad parent to my son. I say that with confidence.

Most of this began when my son's father began dating and became engaged to his current wife. From the beginning, I've tried to be cordial and team-oriented with her. And at first, I thought she would play fair. It was NOT my fault that she had gotten pregnant by, and subsequently married, a man who could not be faithful to her, and still tried to have sex with me constantly. I did not want him, and I still don't. That's the choice SHE made. But her insecurities have made it impossible for him to stand up to her demands to keep me away, and so here I am.  I think of what it must be like to be her on a daily basis. Not because I like her; I don't. But to know who she married, and has had so many children with. Mostly, I wonder if she knows that this is the karma that she's put into her own karma bank. Perhaps this is happening to me because of some horrible thing I did in the past, or in another life. I'll take that. But I also know that she is very much responsible for alot of this mess, and I believe in my heart that she knows that a man who would do this to ME would most CERTAINLY do it to her if she ever found herself on the outside looking in, as I am.  I think that she thinks she's exempt for some reason. She's not. And I can only pray --AND FERVENTLY -- to be present when this karmic retribution begins to unfold for her. In fact, it is my hope that I'm in a position to help her through it, as it unfolds.

I've gotten a bit off track, but I said all of that to say that it has been the height of difficulty for me to find something to be motivated about. I lost my baby, and it broke my heart.

But life is still continuing to float on in the meantime, so I'm now tasked with the trial of digging myself out of this slump, finding some duct tape to put these heart pieces back in place, and shake the dirt off my shoulders and my face, and get the fuck on with my life. I feel like if ppl can come back from Stage 4 Cancer radiation and run marathons, I should be able to survive this, and still make a great life for myself.

I don't know why I was chosen to suffer in this particular way, but I am tired of crying and moping about it, and I want to move on to greatness. How in the world am I supposed to do that? I haven't a clue, but you know me. I'll figure something out.

If you have any ideas, please feel free to let me know in the comments!