As you may have noticed, I haven't posted since Whitney Houston's passing. I had to take a hiatus and get some things right in my mind. Aside from occasionally posting on FB, I've been ghost for the past few months. Obviously I didn't know her personally, but I was a huge fan of her music and her passing really effected me in a huge way. I began analyzing--in a way that I hadn't before--what I really wanted, where I really wanted to go, and what I was willing to do to get there. It's one thing to know what you want and what you need to do to get it; it's a whole other thing to REALIZE what that thing is and what it will cost you to do it. I had to really ask myself what I was doing, AND WHY. Also, what was I NOT doing...and i had to really analyze why not.
I know some folks think I'm too analytical, and sometimes, they're right. I make no apologies for that. I'm a deep thinker, and I think it's one of the things I love most about me. I'm not really a surface dweller, I can't stand shallow relationships, and I don't really play well with folks who only want to talk about the weather. I like to really dissect things, both physically and mentally. I have a deep burning desire to know the 'whys' and 'hows' of life; thankfully, as I grow and mature, I'm learnning to ask the right questions vs just a lot of dumb ass questions. LOL! AND, more importantly for me, I'm more able to accept the idiosyncrasies of my personality and embrace them as part of what makes me multidimensional. I still have more questions than answers, but honestly, the death of a person whose genius I admired so much really forced me to sit down and find more answers in myself.
Today is Thursday, May 3, 2012. It's been almost 3 months, and I still think about it almost every day. I would hate to choose a path for my life that leads to destruction, or abuse, or an untimely death. She had talent, she had money, she had family, she had love...but it was not enough.
Well, WTF else is there? How do I avoid the same fate? Where did she go wrong, and where can I make a different choice? Here I was, thinking all I needed to do to be successful in life was to make it big: be talented, network and make connections, get my money right, and have good family around me. These were the things I'd set out to do, thinking shit would be all good after that. Naive? Perhaps. But I had come up with a whole plan to do just that, had rearranged my entire life around those few goals...and BAM. Someone who already had all those things went and offed herself with a combination of drugs and drowning in bath water.
All these questions--and tons more--ran through my head for weeks, months. Whitney had demons just like any of us. ANY OF US could be her. I am talented and, after so many years of feeling depressed and powerless, I FINALLY have enough confidence and self esteem to embrace the things I'm gifted at. I have the love and support of my family and good friends. (In fact, my mom just walked in the room and announced "if you hear a strange gurgling noise coming from the bathroom, its me. I'm on a colon cleanse this week." o_O [Thanks Mom. That's just great.] Any of you who know of my relationship with my mother understand why, despite it's vulgarity and general ratchetness, that comment represents a closeness we now enjoy that we never used to have.) Ive finally learned to sit and listen, to be patient, to release the need to control every single situation that comes my way. I'm finally seeing a therapist that I absolutely love (and can afford) and am taking baby steps to reclaiming power in areas of my life I previously thought would be lost to me forever.
But is it enough?
I've finally outgrown that icky phase of self-consciousness where I look around and it seems like everybody around me is getting it right except me. I now know that they prefer concealing their struggles whereas I tend to wear mine on my sleeve. All this work I'm doing to live a more authentic and meaningful life, is it really gonna pay off for me? Or will I eventually fall victim to my demons as so many others have? It may sound irrational, but for me, it's really scary. I really want to do big, grand things with my life (even though I'm old now) and that may one day include fame. Will I be overtaken by the fame monster and succumb to drug addiction and pressure? And if I don't become some big, grand person, will I be okay with just being a good person? Are the things I fight for, strive for, aspire to do really what I want to spend the next 10 years working towards? The sacrifice, the work, the change, the adjustments, the constant transition, and at times, the OPPOSITION I know I will face as I continue to ascend. Is it really worth it? Could I throw it all away and just be what I consider a regular person? Or, scale it down and live a little smaller, with smaller ideas and gestures? AND If i did do that, would I really be okay with that? Would I feel like a sell-out? like I gave up?
SN: My mom works two jobs, the second of which keeps her out until 10pm each night. Right now, she's home from her first job and getting ready to head out to the second. From the hallway, I just heard a deep sigh, followed by "LAWD! Back to this cage AGAIN! Please, Lawd, help me."
*blank stare*
I cannot. I will not. That ^^^^ is why I fight to make sure all the things I love doing, I will get to do for the rest of my life. I refuse to spend my days doing something that I refer to as 'a cage'. But, AGAIN, what if it happens, and it's not enough to give me the joy I'm seeking?
This is what happens when you watch too much Oprah's Lifeclass. LOL.
I'll get back to posting regularly again soon. Alot of times, when I'm in my head like this, I think no one else wants to read about it so I go into hibernation and won't post for months. Everyone likes the funny stories, or the bizarre tales of dating woes, but when I get too deep (especially in blogging) I feel like people tune out. LOL! Which is fine. That just means I go off and process in silence and blogger doesn't see me for a while. I'm not a pro blogger. Not even close. I don't even really promote my blog the way most people do. in the world of blogospheres, I'm just a tiny sea urchin. I'm finally okay with that, too. Some asshat once told me that since my blog is clearly JUST for me, I should get an online diary instead. After I put down my middle e-finger, I got right back onto blogger.com and kept right on posting. I prefer an audience, even if it's only 1 or 2 people who never comment (but, to be clear, comments are WORSHIPPED AND ADORED around here :-).) My best friend works in child care so alot of times, when I want to talk or tell a story, she's not free to just pick up the phone and listen until after all her kids leave. Plus, she has the worst memory in all the world so sometimes I'll tell her something and she'll be like "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT!" when really, I did. So, blogging is a way for me to tell the story as long as I want to, to my little heart's content, and to document the things that happen in my life, in case she forgets and needs to go back and read it again. I try to include every single detail.
I'm a storyteller, that's what I do.
Showing posts with label whitney houston death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label whitney houston death. Show all posts
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
R.I.P. Whitney: My Top 10 Favorite Whitney Houston songs
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| This is how I will always remember Whitney, no matter what: killin it. |
Damn Nippy.
On the way home about 3 hours ago, I scrolled through my playlist looking for somethin ol' school to ride to. Y'all know I've been looking for inspiration lately, so when I scrolled past "One Moment in Time", I IMMEDIATELY pressed play. This was the live version that she sang at the 1988 Summer Olympics. I always prefer Whitney's live music to her studio tracks, which, for a singer, says THE MOST. I listened to that song on repeat for about 20 minutes just because. Little did I know that while I was singing along--at the TIP top of my lungs, of course--in my car, somewhere on the west coast, Whitney's dead body was being discovered and reported on by national news media. My sister, The Spazz, texted me complaining about the snowy crazy wind blowing then right after that I got "Whitney Houston died??!!" It was obviously a question she was trying to confirm so I hit up FB and, sho' nuff, all the "RIP Whitney"s confirmed it for me. Even my mom was shocked, and she don't give a shit about NAYTHIN. She did, however, take that opportunity to point out how fat Bobby Brown has gotten lately.
Oh mom.
The story is still developing so we don't have many details about the who's, what's, when's, or why's (though as you can probably guess, there's a shitload of speculation about drugs floating around) but for right now, all we know is that our beloved Nippy--as she was affectionately known amongst family and friends but known to the world as simply 'The Voice'--has left the building. For the last and final time.
*bows head in sadness and respect*
Seeing as how this is a tribute post, I won't waste a lot of time discussing her struggle with addiction or her tumultuous 15 year marriage to the singer formerly known as Bobby Brown. We all remember watching helplessly as her voice went from the most recognizable, most infamous of staccatos to a raspy, broken, almost unrecognizable shell of it's former self. Agreed? Aight.
What I WOULD like to do, in commemoration, is list some of my favorite Whitney songs. I won't even numerate the list, because there'll
1. Greatest Love of All
Without a shadow of any sort of doubt, this is my #1 all time, above all others, 'dis dat shit right here!' Whitney Houston song. This song, literally, introduced me to music. As far back as I can remember, this is the first song I ever remember hearing on the radio, and singing along with. Released in 1985, when I was just 5 years old myself, Greatest Love of All was that song that made me RUN to find a hairbrush and a mirror. You could not TELL me I wasn't Whitney Houston when I sang this song! It was hard as SHAT for me to hold that last long-ass note "Find your strength innn looooooooo-oooooo-oooooo-ooooo (pause for breath)ooooo-ooooooove". For weeks after the first time I heard it, I daydreamed about being a singer like Whitney, wearing that glowing white dress like she did in the video, and walking off-stage into the arms of my proudly waiting mother; for weeks, I struggled to hit that last note without pausing for breath. The first time I sang it and held it all the way through without pausing, I KNEW I WAS THE SHIT. And it was all because of Whitney Houston.
2. I Wanna Dance With SomebodyFor all y'all that hate on Beyonce' for wearing blond weave, let me take a moment to remind all of you
3. All the Man That I Need
I always felt like this was her "Stand By Your Man" song, a rebuttal to those who misunderstood her love for Bobby. She spent a lot of time defending her marriage to him, especially in the later years, but I was secretly proud that Whitney wouldn't be bullied into giving up on her choice to love a man that most people demonized.
This song I loved because it was my first real time seeing Whitney do choreographed dancing. I know alot of ppl don't know this about me but deep inside, I truly feel I was born to sing and dance. I love everything about singing and dancing. Unfortunately, God did not bless me with the pipes for singing, and thought so kindly as to give me two left feet instead. Any performer who can sing and dance, both really well, gets my vote because they have gifts that I only dream about. hence, my love for all things Beyonce'. Well, except her acting. But, I digress. I'm Your Baby Tonight was the video where she wore all white and danced with that white suit on, then she changed into the black turtleneck catsuit, then 3 of her were doing the Supremes glamour girls routine with the beehives!!! You talkin bout somebody HYPE!! Yassss Gahd Nippy!
5. You Give Good Love
"I found out what I've been missing, always on the run/I've been looking for someone/Nooooow you're here like you've been BEfore and you know just whaaaat I nneeeeeed/It took some time for me to seeeeeeeeee/That you give good love to me--BAYYYYYBEH! it's so good, take this heart of mine into your hands/You give good love to me/Its neeeeevahhh to muuuuu---uuuu-uuuch!/Baybeh you give good love..." Yeah. Nuff said.
6. Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
I knew nothing about this song when it first came out. I didn't discover it until I had a break up with a boyfriend in high school. I KNOW I played this song on repeat for at least 2-3 weeks, everyday. This was back when I ignorantly thought that the songs musicians sang were all written by them. It gave me a sense of comfort and camaraderie to know that Whitney had had her heart broken too, and had no clue what to do about it.
7. I Have Nothing
Back when my parents couldn't afford premium cable, and refused to pay for pay per view, when I scrolled through the channels and landed on one of the pay per view channels, I could hear the movie being played but couldn't see it through the squiggly lines. That's how I learned all the words to Menace II Society and, later, The Bodyguard. Everyday I would come home from school, turn to the guide channel to see which channel The Bodyguard was playing on, and post up on that channel. For hours on end, I would do my homework and listen to this movie play over and over. When I got older and finally saw the movie, this song--not I Will Always Love You--instantly became my favorite. Well, this one and Whitney's short but still powerful version of Jesus Loves Me. Again, I sang this song at the very top of my lungs. One day, I gave my best
Well. Hmph.
8. Bridge Over Troubled Waters + Count on Me
In 1995, Whitney and long-time best friend CeCe Winans performed Bridge Over Troubled Waters on Vh1's Honors awards show. This performance was the first time we were seeing Whitney begin to lose weight, sweat like crazy, and catch the Holy Ghost on TV. Remember Whitney always had that upper lip sweat that she never really wiped during her performances? Well, there was alot of that during this show. Count on Me was a song me and my then-best friend Renata would sing along to--and to each other when we got bored--from the movie "Waiting to Exhale". We would always fight over who would sing Whitney's parts because, let's face it, CeCe was just OK compared to Whitney's vocals. (LOL! Don't judge us! We were 15, we didn't know any better. Today, I would KILL to sound like anything closely resembling CeCe Winans.) There's another song, a gospel one "Give Us This Day" that she performed during that show; I found links to them on youtube and downloaded them to my music player. I listen to it ALL.THE.TIME. Whitney got her MAN on that one! (<------When's the last time you heard somebody say THAT?? Lawd, am I starting to show my age already??!!)
If you have never seen it, here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGL099t8i2s.
9. When You Believe
Her first duet with Mariah Carey, I first saw this song performed on the Oprah Winfrey Show and it blew me away. I've always been a sucker for a great inspirational song (and a great sad love song) and even though I never saw the movie from which soundtrack this was taken, I instantly fell in love. It was featured on both their #1s albums, respectively, so when someone stole my Whitney Houston #1s album, I wore out Mariah's CD playing this song. It'll definitely show up in the tribute playlist I know I'll be playing over the next few weeks.
10. How Will I Know
Anyone who knew me as a child knows that I was insanely boy crazy in general in my youth, and this song was pretty much my anthem. There was always a boy that I crushed on on any given day of the week. I couldn't help it, they were all so cute! In third grade, it was Sean Turnage; in fifth grade, LaTrone Lawson; in 7th grade, dear Gawd, I was a fool for Kelvin Wesley Jackson. "How Will I Know" got played in HEAVY rotation whenever I got that ol' familiar fluttering of butterflies in my stomach at the very mention of my secret crush. Let's just say I played it A LOT and leave it at that. Once, during a clandestine after-my-9pm-bedtime-so-I-gotta-whisper-real-low phone call with said Mr. Jackson, I subtly played this song in the background, trying to throw
Obviously, there won't ever be another like Whitney. They just don't make 'em like that anymore, not even my beloved Beyonce'. Jeevus, I can't even IMAGINE how distraught I'll be if that day ever comes (yes, I said 'if'. I cannot even consider the idea that Beyonce 'will' die. I'm holding out hope that she'll somehow beat the odds. #dontjudgeme) but today, I'm deeply saddened by the loss of our Nippy. Man, this sucks!! Nobody will ever do that jump-y hoppy, hand on my hip, lift my leg up, cock my head to the side, talk while i'm singin', somehow manage to turn EVERY song into a holy ghost filled performance thing that you did, Whitney. We will always love you for that.
I posted the same link to the Vh1 Honors performance on my FB page, with this message:
"I simply can't help but to shed tears. This is my all time favorite live performance from Whitney Houston; I post it all the time. When it became clear she would never sound like this again, I was deeply saddened. I simply can't imagine having such a gift and losing it. She wasn't perfect, but man could she move you with her voice. Y'all know I love Beyonce, but no one did it like Whitney. Future generations will never know about this sort of real SANGIN, never have the chance to see it performed live, never attend one of her concerts. And that makes me sad too. Magic like this just doesn't happen anymore. So anointed, so blessed, so tormented. I will always love you, Whitney, not because you sang the song of that title, but because you always brought it, and left your whole heart on the stage for us. I was so looking forward to your comeback, but I guess God has other plans. I'm glad that God has you now, wrapped in His love and protective wings where nothing on Earth can hurt you ever again. The Voice was such a revelation to music, and an enormous gift to the world. Yours are gigantic musical footsteps to follow in, and I will certainly do my part to keep your music alive."
Y'all please keep Bobbi Kristina, Bobby Brown, Cissy, Dionne, RayJ and Brandy, that whole family lifted in deep prayer. This is just a damn mess.
R.I.P.
Whitney The Voice Houston
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