It's not a busy time for BDI, y'all. I've decided to lay my brushes down for a while. I'm too overwhelmed and things are not going well. I would never abandon Makeup forever, but some things need to take priority over makeup for a while. So, I have to find a way to just not participate for a time. I miss it already, but I have to say, I need a break :-(. Chaos is not sexy, lol.
Makeup will be here when I get back! I will see you guys in a few!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Confession: Today I saw a glimmer
...of hope. A tiny flicker of light in this darkness I'm surrounded by right now. A few months back, I joined an online community, Rich Single Momma, headed by a phenomenal woman named Samantha from Atlanta. I was caught up at the time, and couldn't really dedicate any real time to explore the site. Now that I'm on hiatus for a while (and can breathe), I finally took the time to check out the site. And MAN!! It was just the boost I needed!
Browsing through the articles, reading the comments...I found myself sitting upright screaming at the computer screen "Me too! That happens to me too!" LOL. I found some great articles with great info and links to some really helpful tools. One of the sites a link led me to was a goal tracking tool, Joe's Goals. This particular link leads to my goals page but anyone can sign up for free to create their own page. I purposely kept my goals list short and simple. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to train my brain to not overwhelm itself by cramming too many things into too little space. Anyway, the site is a wonderful tool for connecting with others like me, and I've already been in touch with Samantha a few times. The focus is mainly financial freedom as a single parent, but there are articles on other things as well. After all, being a single mom isn't just about money. This is the first thing I've connected with in months! I wasn't sure how God would answer my prayers this morning, but I was confident He would. I told Him I would keep my eyes and my heart open for whatever He would send me. And it seems like as soon as I said the words, they floated up to His ears and He began to pour insight into my open heart. Who knew it was as easy as asking?
If you get a chance, check out the site!
Browsing through the articles, reading the comments...I found myself sitting upright screaming at the computer screen "Me too! That happens to me too!" LOL. I found some great articles with great info and links to some really helpful tools. One of the sites a link led me to was a goal tracking tool, Joe's Goals. This particular link leads to my goals page but anyone can sign up for free to create their own page. I purposely kept my goals list short and simple. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to train my brain to not overwhelm itself by cramming too many things into too little space. Anyway, the site is a wonderful tool for connecting with others like me, and I've already been in touch with Samantha a few times. The focus is mainly financial freedom as a single parent, but there are articles on other things as well. After all, being a single mom isn't just about money. This is the first thing I've connected with in months! I wasn't sure how God would answer my prayers this morning, but I was confident He would. I told Him I would keep my eyes and my heart open for whatever He would send me. And it seems like as soon as I said the words, they floated up to His ears and He began to pour insight into my open heart. Who knew it was as easy as asking?
If you get a chance, check out the site!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Confession: I am lost
And I am not sure what to do about it. So many people say that prayer is the answer. But, when I pray, I don't feel better. Which makes me feel like perhaps I'm doing it wrong. I do believe in God. I believe that God is all powerful and all knowing, and makes things happen in my life. But, honestly, sometimes--MOST times, in fact--i feel forgotten by God. I feel left to figure this thing out on my own. And if I were completely alone, I'm sure it would be less scary. But, having a child that you must teach and train, guide and nurture when you, yourself, don't have much to go on....is debilitating. I mean, what do you do?? When I had the freedom to just stumble thru life and figure it out as I went, I was completely cool with that. But, now, that is not an option.
When I pray, all I hear is silence afterward. Deafening, terrifying, depressing.
And I always wondered: What about the people who do believe in God? Who or what do they believe in? I feel that everyone needs something to believe in, but if it's not a deity, then what is it? the Universe?
Ok, so lets say I believe in the Universe (as a separate entity from the Christian God). How do I talk to the Universe? How will it talk to me? How will we communicate? Is it all just The Secret? is it all really TRULY just energy and motion? Does it only work if you believe in it, like say, the lotto? Or is it real, and working, even if you don't believe...like karma? Or...is karma part of the Universe? I'm getting confused. :-/
All I know right now is that I am searching for something that makes sense out of the chaos in my world these days. Dating is not working because i can feel the disconnection, and that makes me feel not ready. I feel it's unfair to try to strike up anything new with anyone new when i know i'm a spiritual mess. I can't quite say I'm looking for an easy way out because i don't believe I am. i'm just looking for something that resonates with me, something that makes me say "ugh, FINALLY! YES!! Now, at least PART of this makes some sense" instead of constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) feeling like every single thing is falling apart around me, and I should just let it because i can't make any sense out of why it's happening.
D says that when i feel like this, I should just change my channel. Switch from this negative energy to a channel where I'm giving and receiving positive energy. Uh, right. Lemme get back to you on that.
Reading and then watching The Secret didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. i think the problem is believing. What do you do when you're tired of believing in shit? what happens? It's chaos, that's what happens. Your focus is lost, your drive just speeds off, your will to live or do anything else withers. You can't tell the difference between light and dark because it all just looks dark. You don't wanna talk to anyone, or answer the phone. There's guilt, and shame, and as vain as I am, there's disinterest in your personal appearance. total and complete Chaos. Change channels my ass. Where's my damn remote??
This is some ole bullshit. I'll be glad when it passes.
When I pray, all I hear is silence afterward. Deafening, terrifying, depressing.
And I always wondered: What about the people who do believe in God? Who or what do they believe in? I feel that everyone needs something to believe in, but if it's not a deity, then what is it? the Universe?
Ok, so lets say I believe in the Universe (as a separate entity from the Christian God). How do I talk to the Universe? How will it talk to me? How will we communicate? Is it all just The Secret? is it all really TRULY just energy and motion? Does it only work if you believe in it, like say, the lotto? Or is it real, and working, even if you don't believe...like karma? Or...is karma part of the Universe? I'm getting confused. :-/
All I know right now is that I am searching for something that makes sense out of the chaos in my world these days. Dating is not working because i can feel the disconnection, and that makes me feel not ready. I feel it's unfair to try to strike up anything new with anyone new when i know i'm a spiritual mess. I can't quite say I'm looking for an easy way out because i don't believe I am. i'm just looking for something that resonates with me, something that makes me say "ugh, FINALLY! YES!! Now, at least PART of this makes some sense" instead of constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) feeling like every single thing is falling apart around me, and I should just let it because i can't make any sense out of why it's happening.
D says that when i feel like this, I should just change my channel. Switch from this negative energy to a channel where I'm giving and receiving positive energy. Uh, right. Lemme get back to you on that.
Reading and then watching The Secret didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. i think the problem is believing. What do you do when you're tired of believing in shit? what happens? It's chaos, that's what happens. Your focus is lost, your drive just speeds off, your will to live or do anything else withers. You can't tell the difference between light and dark because it all just looks dark. You don't wanna talk to anyone, or answer the phone. There's guilt, and shame, and as vain as I am, there's disinterest in your personal appearance. total and complete Chaos. Change channels my ass. Where's my damn remote??
This is some ole bullshit. I'll be glad when it passes.
Confession: I may be in denial
Today, Isayah's sick, and I let him stay home from school. I found myself being very nurturing, and it freaked me out. lately, I've also had the desire to do more things with him...which is weird because I normally can't wait to get him somewhere away from me, lol. Could I be enjoying motherhood? *gasp*
*here comes Florida Evans*
Dayummmm, Dayummmm, Daaaayuuuummmmmmmmmmm!!! When did this happen?? I called up one of my girls yesterday to plan a beach trip for our kids (wait, wha?) late next month. And I'm actually looking forward to it! I'm so out of my element with this. I love my son, but I've never loved motherhood. Correction: I ADORE parenthood in January when it's time to file my taxes, and I loved all the attention I got when pregnant (so trifling, yes, I know). But other than that, motherhood was the most thankless, grueling, vampire (becuz it sucks the life out of you sometimes) job anyone will ever do. and for the most part, I've hated it. I do believe that my son is a gift to my life, and I appreciate what his presence has done for my life. But it is work, especially doing it by myself. And it never ends. So it is, at times, difficult, to see the joy for all the sweat dripping into my eyes.
When did this happen??
*here comes Florida Evans*
Dayummmm, Dayummmm, Daaaayuuuummmmmmmmmmm!!! When did this happen?? I called up one of my girls yesterday to plan a beach trip for our kids (wait, wha?) late next month. And I'm actually looking forward to it! I'm so out of my element with this. I love my son, but I've never loved motherhood. Correction: I ADORE parenthood in January when it's time to file my taxes, and I loved all the attention I got when pregnant (so trifling, yes, I know). But other than that, motherhood was the most thankless, grueling, vampire (becuz it sucks the life out of you sometimes) job anyone will ever do. and for the most part, I've hated it. I do believe that my son is a gift to my life, and I appreciate what his presence has done for my life. But it is work, especially doing it by myself. And it never ends. So it is, at times, difficult, to see the joy for all the sweat dripping into my eyes.
When did this happen??
Confession: I'm Ms. Lonely
There. I said it.
Luther was right: Loneliness is such a sad affair. A saaahaaa-haaaa-aaaad affair.
Part of me feels grateful that I have a child because Lord knows he is the only one who leans on me when I feel sad and lonely. He gives great hugs and kisses, and he is the world's funniest 10 year old. I'm laughing just thinking about that fool. And sometimes, when he's outside, he'll call in to check on me and bug me about what I'm doing. I think he's just as bored and lonely as i am :-(. I wish I could tell you that we spend loads and loads of time together, entertaining each other. But I can't, so i won't. he's usually outside playing with his friends, or, now that the pool is open, hanging out at the pool. Whenever he's in the house, it's usually late in the evening, and since we don't have a television, he's constantly complaining about being bored. i can't say I blame him, but it does get annoying.
Its not so much that I need constant companionship like I'd find in a boyfriend. i would just like to not have to play games with someone to get to spend time with them. I'm not good at playing games with guys, not when it comes to dating. I miss being able to call someone over to cook for, or to watch a movie with, or to meet for a game of tennis without having to pretend I don't like it. Every new guy i meet, he's either too boring and square or moves at a complete snail's pace. Dating has entirely too many rules for my tastes, and I'm no good at it. I just wanna skip all da bullshit, and get to it already!! Not to it 'the sex' but it the good part of getting to know ppl. Internet dating is beginning to make me realize that I work much better in person. i can't do email tag, i can't do the "lets wait and see if she's crazy so I'm not gonna give her my phone number just yet" game, and I sure as hell wanna be able to check allll his damn teeth before I agree to anything. Hmph.
I finally got around to reading The Coldest Winter Ever this past weekend, and it was just as good as everyone said it would be. The special edition I read included a reader's guide in the back of the book; it broke down all the characters, did character and relationship analysis, and there was a question and answer section, too. I must admit, urban stories frighten me. They always have. I was completely intimidated by this book so, in an effort to prepare myself (as well as stall), I read the reader's guide before the actual novel. The jury's still out on whether or not that was a good move, but it definitely helped me to understand things I otherwise wouldn't have. I have a great friend, Arlene, who notoriously reads book endings before starting books, juuuuust to make sure the ending is worth sitting through the beginning. LOL. I know, I *smh* too. But it serves her purpose. I only cheated a tiny bit, and read the last page before starting. even if the last page hadn't given the ending away, the reader's guide would have so nothing was majorly ruined. I enjoyed reading about Winter's escapades. her life was continually filled with drama and chaos; in that way, i related to her. There was just ALWAYS something going on. That was about where the similarities ended.
One of the relationship analyses that I read in the guide talked about Winter's relationship with her mother. Specifically, what her mom did/didn't teach her about womanhood. I found that, even while deeply engrossed in reading the novel, I would flip to the guide and read that analysis again. not for the purpose of understanding, but because it spoke to me so deeply that I couldn't stop thinking about what she'd written.
Basically she explains 1. Why Mrs. Santiago is the only character in the book with no first name, and 2. What sorts of things Mrs. Santiago SHOULD have taught Winter, as her mother. Things Winter would need to know about how to be a woman, how to choose a man, how to be a good choice for a good man, etc.
These are the sorts of things no one ever said to me as a young girl, things I wish someone had just taken the time to just say out loud, with sincerity. My mother and I used to argue all the time about things she did and didn't teach me. She complained that I was so stubborn, I wouldn't have listened anyway so she didn't bother. I would agree that, yes, I was very stubborn but I did listen. Practically all my friends' parents were influential in my younger years. Shit, they HAD to be! My parents were too busy being themselves to bother with imparting any wisdom into my life. Candice's mom was my nurturer, Renata's father was my daddy who spoiled me and gave me self esteem, Kede's parents were the cool parents who took me places and introduced me to cultures, events, things I would otherwise not have seen. Even Tishonda's mom Crazy Daisy--who, it is important to note, I did not ever agree with nor whose ways I ever understood--encouraged me to stand up for myself and learn to have some boundaries. Throughout my childhood, I had tons of friends whose parents I was uber close to,especially the moms. I just didn't have that relationship with my mom. I couldn't ask her questions, couldn't tell her shit, couldn't do nothing but wash the damn dishes and stay outta her face. Now, to be clear, my mother did not have a drug problem that i knew of. I think she just didn't wanna be bothered with me because I was a handful, and she was not a teacher.
If the book wasn't a library book, I'd rip the page out and hang it on my wall. As depressed and lonely as I've been feeling lately, it is the first thing in a LONG TIME that gotten thru the fog that my existence has become. it just hit me, literally, like a big ass bag of donuts. I said to myself "so THAT'S what you're supposed to do?? how does she know this stuff??" Essentially, she said to me what I'm assuming most women already know: I should spend some time alone and get to know me, who I am, what i like, what i stand for, what i believe, and what my standards truly are. Maybe I'm spending far too much time running away from this alone time. Maybe I should use it to "find myself". WTF does that mean anyway?
What sorts of things does one do when one finds themself? I think it means "Alandria, get a life."
Hmmmm.......
Luther was right: Loneliness is such a sad affair. A saaahaaa-haaaa-aaaad affair.
Part of me feels grateful that I have a child because Lord knows he is the only one who leans on me when I feel sad and lonely. He gives great hugs and kisses, and he is the world's funniest 10 year old. I'm laughing just thinking about that fool. And sometimes, when he's outside, he'll call in to check on me and bug me about what I'm doing. I think he's just as bored and lonely as i am :-(. I wish I could tell you that we spend loads and loads of time together, entertaining each other. But I can't, so i won't. he's usually outside playing with his friends, or, now that the pool is open, hanging out at the pool. Whenever he's in the house, it's usually late in the evening, and since we don't have a television, he's constantly complaining about being bored. i can't say I blame him, but it does get annoying.
Its not so much that I need constant companionship like I'd find in a boyfriend. i would just like to not have to play games with someone to get to spend time with them. I'm not good at playing games with guys, not when it comes to dating. I miss being able to call someone over to cook for, or to watch a movie with, or to meet for a game of tennis without having to pretend I don't like it. Every new guy i meet, he's either too boring and square or moves at a complete snail's pace. Dating has entirely too many rules for my tastes, and I'm no good at it. I just wanna skip all da bullshit, and get to it already!! Not to it 'the sex' but it the good part of getting to know ppl. Internet dating is beginning to make me realize that I work much better in person. i can't do email tag, i can't do the "lets wait and see if she's crazy so I'm not gonna give her my phone number just yet" game, and I sure as hell wanna be able to check allll his damn teeth before I agree to anything. Hmph.
I finally got around to reading The Coldest Winter Ever this past weekend, and it was just as good as everyone said it would be. The special edition I read included a reader's guide in the back of the book; it broke down all the characters, did character and relationship analysis, and there was a question and answer section, too. I must admit, urban stories frighten me. They always have. I was completely intimidated by this book so, in an effort to prepare myself (as well as stall), I read the reader's guide before the actual novel. The jury's still out on whether or not that was a good move, but it definitely helped me to understand things I otherwise wouldn't have. I have a great friend, Arlene, who notoriously reads book endings before starting books, juuuuust to make sure the ending is worth sitting through the beginning. LOL. I know, I *smh* too. But it serves her purpose. I only cheated a tiny bit, and read the last page before starting. even if the last page hadn't given the ending away, the reader's guide would have so nothing was majorly ruined. I enjoyed reading about Winter's escapades. her life was continually filled with drama and chaos; in that way, i related to her. There was just ALWAYS something going on. That was about where the similarities ended.
One of the relationship analyses that I read in the guide talked about Winter's relationship with her mother. Specifically, what her mom did/didn't teach her about womanhood. I found that, even while deeply engrossed in reading the novel, I would flip to the guide and read that analysis again. not for the purpose of understanding, but because it spoke to me so deeply that I couldn't stop thinking about what she'd written.
Basically she explains 1. Why Mrs. Santiago is the only character in the book with no first name, and 2. What sorts of things Mrs. Santiago SHOULD have taught Winter, as her mother. Things Winter would need to know about how to be a woman, how to choose a man, how to be a good choice for a good man, etc.
These are the sorts of things no one ever said to me as a young girl, things I wish someone had just taken the time to just say out loud, with sincerity. My mother and I used to argue all the time about things she did and didn't teach me. She complained that I was so stubborn, I wouldn't have listened anyway so she didn't bother. I would agree that, yes, I was very stubborn but I did listen. Practically all my friends' parents were influential in my younger years. Shit, they HAD to be! My parents were too busy being themselves to bother with imparting any wisdom into my life. Candice's mom was my nurturer, Renata's father was my daddy who spoiled me and gave me self esteem, Kede's parents were the cool parents who took me places and introduced me to cultures, events, things I would otherwise not have seen. Even Tishonda's mom Crazy Daisy--who, it is important to note, I did not ever agree with nor whose ways I ever understood--encouraged me to stand up for myself and learn to have some boundaries. Throughout my childhood, I had tons of friends whose parents I was uber close to,especially the moms. I just didn't have that relationship with my mom. I couldn't ask her questions, couldn't tell her shit, couldn't do nothing but wash the damn dishes and stay outta her face. Now, to be clear, my mother did not have a drug problem that i knew of. I think she just didn't wanna be bothered with me because I was a handful, and she was not a teacher.
If the book wasn't a library book, I'd rip the page out and hang it on my wall. As depressed and lonely as I've been feeling lately, it is the first thing in a LONG TIME that gotten thru the fog that my existence has become. it just hit me, literally, like a big ass bag of donuts. I said to myself "so THAT'S what you're supposed to do?? how does she know this stuff??" Essentially, she said to me what I'm assuming most women already know: I should spend some time alone and get to know me, who I am, what i like, what i stand for, what i believe, and what my standards truly are. Maybe I'm spending far too much time running away from this alone time. Maybe I should use it to "find myself". WTF does that mean anyway?
What sorts of things does one do when one finds themself? I think it means "Alandria, get a life."
Hmmmm.......
Big Love?
Why me, Lord?
This is what I found myself saying after I hung up with Trey the last time. Trey is FINE. I mean FOINNNEE! Like Fionn Childs in high school Fine. I mean like Sean Turnage AFTER high school fine. Ya get it. Dude is FINE. Beautiful teeth, smooth sexy voice with that Harlem accent, light bright as they come with a head full of beautiful black curls. AND he loved to rock fitted caps, just.like.I.like.em. (Y'all know how I feel about fitted caps) He worked a full time, a part time, AND a thriving side hustle. He had two daughters who lit up his life. He spoke respectfully, never raised his voice, and understood boundaries and personal space. But aside from all of that, the thing I loved and adored about Trey was his honesty. He always told the truth. Always. Even when it hurt. He was a deep thinker, an avid learner of all types of things, always engrossed in a book or a play or WHATEVER. Trey was about his business, and he believed in giving back to the community so he employed the lil young boys on the block from his old neighborhood to give them something to do to stay out of trouble. Trey didn't crowd me, didn't demand loads of my time (though, let's face it, i had it to give. Ain't like i'm doin shit these days...but I digress), and he called me every day just to let me know he thought about me and that he was alive, even if he didn't have all the time in the world to chat. I appreciated that.
Trey was my emotional food. Talking to him about politics (which I never did before Trey), about sex, about love, about family, about the universe, about God, about spirituality, about the state of the Black community (again, something I NEVER used to do), about Home Depot, about roller skating, about EVERYTHING, it stroked me deep down to my emotional center. I could talk to him for hours. Most days, I did. He never got tired of talking and listening, and neither did i. Eventually he'd planned for us to have our first date at a spa where we'd enjoy a couple's massage, lunch, and a day of pampering. He said it was something he'd never done before, and wanted to try it with me. *swoon*
Trey thought I was a beautiful person on the inside, and he appreciated that I was loyal and honest and a hard worker. He could tell I wasn't a bad girl, just a little misguided at times. There was nothing I didn't like about Trey.
Until I discovered that Trey was a polygamist.
Trey had a girlfriend, a very serious girlfriend who he was interested in making his wife. Trey was also on the hunt for a second girlfriend to make his second wife. The day he dropped that bomb on me, I was crushed. Disappointed does the feeling that I felt no justice. I was way beyond disappointed. I'd asked if he had a girlfriend, he said he was seeing someone and it was serious. But, he didn't feel like that should stop him from having all the desires that he--as a man--wanted to indulge himself in. Trey believed that monogamy went totally against a man's nature--hence, all that sperm released during ejaculation--and that no one man could ever be pleased by just one woman. Men are hunters and the hunt does not end when one prey is caught. The hunt is continual. Women, however, had no need to be anything but monogamous. Women, by design, desired security and nurturing and love which can, by his account, be found in one man.
Personally, I thought it was a crock of shit. BUT, I knew immediately that it wouldn't work out. He didn't beg me to not say no; he did, however, put up a very persuasive argument for me at least being open to considering it. After all, I couldn't knock it until I'd at least tried it. Right?
So, I thought about it. For a day. Then, the next day, I had a list of questions for him. The idea of polygamy was very new to me, and I didn't wanna go google that shit and get all freaked out. I wanted to know what polygamy with Trey was like. What should I/could I expect? Was this just a ploy to get me to be his permanent side piece? Does his girlfriend know? What if I wanted to date someone else too? The questions were endless, lol. Thankfully, we had a rapport that made it so easy and comfortable for me to ask those questions, and get the answers I needed in order to make an informed decision.
Now, before you get all up in arms about him not telling me all this off the bat, in Trey's defense I will say that I didn't ask him, initially. I waited until I got to know him, was totally crushing on him, THEN asked about his status. NOW, in my own defense, I did meet him on POF and his profile lists him as Single and his religion as Other. He explained that like this: most women are not into polygamy because they're afraid of it based on bad stories they've heard. Most American women have never tried polygamy so they don't know if they can, in fact, be successful at it. And he knows that most women will rule him out without even taking the time to try it first, if he listed himself as in a relationship.
He's not looking for a side piece. He's looking for a loving healthy relationship. He's looking to meet a dynamic woman whom he can share his life with, and when the time comes that everyone should meet because everyone agrees that this is what they want, there will be a round table meeting/discussion.
*true story. that's what he said.*
Now. Again, I've never participated in anything like polygamy, ever. But, for the sake of at least being able to call myself open to trying new things, i decided I would try it. I told him i was very nervous and afraid of being neglected and becoming possessive and jealous (which was weird because I'm not even like that in relationships and have, in the past, given a boyfriend or two permission to step out if they needed to) and that i would need time to transition my mind to that way of thinking, but okay. I would try it.
Bwahahahahaha! That shit lasted all of A DAY. I think we talked MAYBE 3-4 more times after that day, but eventually, it died. I think he and the girlfriend lived together because I was not allowed to talk to him at night. He would call me at, say, 9:30/10 at night, and we would talk for a little while. On nights when he worked late, he'd call me on his way home. But, when he'd arrive home, we'd shut it down and not talk again until the next day. There was even one night where he politely (and i do mean politely, it wasn't sarcasm or anything mean, he had a really kind spirit about him) reminded me that I couldn't get too caught up in the idea of having him and his time all to myself because there was someone else. As long as he was giving me the time I needed, there was no need to be greedy, lol. *laughing hysterically at someone actually saying that to my greedy ass* He said that part of successful polygamy was learning to know your place and stay in that role at all times, to not get caught up in what I wouldn't be getting but to revel in what I WOULD be getting....yeah. He said that. To me.
Yeah dawg, I'ma hit you right back.
*singing Prince's Beautiful Ones*
This is what I found myself saying after I hung up with Trey the last time. Trey is FINE. I mean FOINNNEE! Like Fionn Childs in high school Fine. I mean like Sean Turnage AFTER high school fine. Ya get it. Dude is FINE. Beautiful teeth, smooth sexy voice with that Harlem accent, light bright as they come with a head full of beautiful black curls. AND he loved to rock fitted caps, just.like.I.like.em. (Y'all know how I feel about fitted caps) He worked a full time, a part time, AND a thriving side hustle. He had two daughters who lit up his life. He spoke respectfully, never raised his voice, and understood boundaries and personal space. But aside from all of that, the thing I loved and adored about Trey was his honesty. He always told the truth. Always. Even when it hurt. He was a deep thinker, an avid learner of all types of things, always engrossed in a book or a play or WHATEVER. Trey was about his business, and he believed in giving back to the community so he employed the lil young boys on the block from his old neighborhood to give them something to do to stay out of trouble. Trey didn't crowd me, didn't demand loads of my time (though, let's face it, i had it to give. Ain't like i'm doin shit these days...but I digress), and he called me every day just to let me know he thought about me and that he was alive, even if he didn't have all the time in the world to chat. I appreciated that.
Trey was my emotional food. Talking to him about politics (which I never did before Trey), about sex, about love, about family, about the universe, about God, about spirituality, about the state of the Black community (again, something I NEVER used to do), about Home Depot, about roller skating, about EVERYTHING, it stroked me deep down to my emotional center. I could talk to him for hours. Most days, I did. He never got tired of talking and listening, and neither did i. Eventually he'd planned for us to have our first date at a spa where we'd enjoy a couple's massage, lunch, and a day of pampering. He said it was something he'd never done before, and wanted to try it with me. *swoon*
Trey thought I was a beautiful person on the inside, and he appreciated that I was loyal and honest and a hard worker. He could tell I wasn't a bad girl, just a little misguided at times. There was nothing I didn't like about Trey.
Until I discovered that Trey was a polygamist.
Trey had a girlfriend, a very serious girlfriend who he was interested in making his wife. Trey was also on the hunt for a second girlfriend to make his second wife. The day he dropped that bomb on me, I was crushed. Disappointed does the feeling that I felt no justice. I was way beyond disappointed. I'd asked if he had a girlfriend, he said he was seeing someone and it was serious. But, he didn't feel like that should stop him from having all the desires that he--as a man--wanted to indulge himself in. Trey believed that monogamy went totally against a man's nature--hence, all that sperm released during ejaculation--and that no one man could ever be pleased by just one woman. Men are hunters and the hunt does not end when one prey is caught. The hunt is continual. Women, however, had no need to be anything but monogamous. Women, by design, desired security and nurturing and love which can, by his account, be found in one man.
Personally, I thought it was a crock of shit. BUT, I knew immediately that it wouldn't work out. He didn't beg me to not say no; he did, however, put up a very persuasive argument for me at least being open to considering it. After all, I couldn't knock it until I'd at least tried it. Right?
So, I thought about it. For a day. Then, the next day, I had a list of questions for him. The idea of polygamy was very new to me, and I didn't wanna go google that shit and get all freaked out. I wanted to know what polygamy with Trey was like. What should I/could I expect? Was this just a ploy to get me to be his permanent side piece? Does his girlfriend know? What if I wanted to date someone else too? The questions were endless, lol. Thankfully, we had a rapport that made it so easy and comfortable for me to ask those questions, and get the answers I needed in order to make an informed decision.
Now, before you get all up in arms about him not telling me all this off the bat, in Trey's defense I will say that I didn't ask him, initially. I waited until I got to know him, was totally crushing on him, THEN asked about his status. NOW, in my own defense, I did meet him on POF and his profile lists him as Single and his religion as Other. He explained that like this: most women are not into polygamy because they're afraid of it based on bad stories they've heard. Most American women have never tried polygamy so they don't know if they can, in fact, be successful at it. And he knows that most women will rule him out without even taking the time to try it first, if he listed himself as in a relationship.
He's not looking for a side piece. He's looking for a loving healthy relationship. He's looking to meet a dynamic woman whom he can share his life with, and when the time comes that everyone should meet because everyone agrees that this is what they want, there will be a round table meeting/discussion.
*true story. that's what he said.*
Now. Again, I've never participated in anything like polygamy, ever. But, for the sake of at least being able to call myself open to trying new things, i decided I would try it. I told him i was very nervous and afraid of being neglected and becoming possessive and jealous (which was weird because I'm not even like that in relationships and have, in the past, given a boyfriend or two permission to step out if they needed to) and that i would need time to transition my mind to that way of thinking, but okay. I would try it.
Bwahahahahaha! That shit lasted all of A DAY. I think we talked MAYBE 3-4 more times after that day, but eventually, it died. I think he and the girlfriend lived together because I was not allowed to talk to him at night. He would call me at, say, 9:30/10 at night, and we would talk for a little while. On nights when he worked late, he'd call me on his way home. But, when he'd arrive home, we'd shut it down and not talk again until the next day. There was even one night where he politely (and i do mean politely, it wasn't sarcasm or anything mean, he had a really kind spirit about him) reminded me that I couldn't get too caught up in the idea of having him and his time all to myself because there was someone else. As long as he was giving me the time I needed, there was no need to be greedy, lol. *laughing hysterically at someone actually saying that to my greedy ass* He said that part of successful polygamy was learning to know your place and stay in that role at all times, to not get caught up in what I wouldn't be getting but to revel in what I WOULD be getting....yeah. He said that. To me.
Yeah dawg, I'ma hit you right back.
*singing Prince's Beautiful Ones*
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