Ugh, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this song!!
That's all. :-)
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Brain Dump
Before I do anything else this morning, I need to do a Brain Dump. Years ago, I trained with the most amazing acting coach, Kimberly Neblett. One of the exercises we did as part of my training was called The Brain Dump. In this exercise, you find one person (one who is very nonjudgmental, very understanding, one who knows you or doesn't care either way) to dump all the crap that's floating around in your mind onto. Then, you ask them if you can 'dump' on them. If they say yes, then you take a deep breath, open your mouth, and say the first word that falls out. And you continue until you've gotten everything off your chest. Everything thats bothering you, everything you're afraid of at the moment, everything you're really excited about, everything that's going wrong/right, just...everything. Anything you want to be released from so that you don't have to carry it around with you for the rest of the day.
I'm sure there are loads of people who can carry around everything they're doing/thinking/worrying about/stressing over and deal with it gracefully, as if they don't have a care in the world. I'm not one of those people. Never have been, probably never will be. And I'm okay with that. Problem is I don't always have someone to dump on, lol. *that sounds so gross* So, alot of times, I end up carrying it anyway. When the load becomes too heavy, I talk to myself. *shrug* You'd be surprised what kinda conversations you can have with yourself once you get past the stigma of it being completely PSYCHOTIC. *side eye*
Moving On.
Today is definitely a day for a brain dump. And since I have no one else that i'd like to burden with my dumping, blogger is it. :-) Dumping is completely random, makes no sense usually, and has no order or structure. Here it goes:
I'm so sick of my piece'a shit ass car. Sometimes, I want to be ungrateful and curse my dad for passing on that pile of trouble to me. That makes me feel guilty, but whatever. It is more trouble than it's worth, and I cannot wait to get another car. Why the fuck was it so hot this weekend?? The heat! The humidity!! I cant stand it! I sweat out my permed edges! Someone must pay! Can you believe I'm not *gasp* friendly with the woman who once wanted to murder me because she thought I was trying to snatch her man from her?! Weird. Why does Ingo travel for work so much, and I'm always stuck here, manning the office? Don't I like to travel too? If people knew how much food from 7-11 I actually ate, they'd tell me to stop whatever I'm doing and go straight to the doctor's office and get my colon drenched, flushed, and sewn shut. Didn't I decide I didn't wanna lose weight this year? So why is God trying to make me lose weight anyway by doing all this manual labor?? Wasn't there a fee for my makeup party this weekend? So, how come two people didn't pay? Why do friends assume I would just LOVE to work for free? This is why I won't ever do it again, not for free. It only takes 2 to ruin it for everyone. Why does S****** keep trying to have sex with me even though he's now engaged? And why am I considering it? Why must his penis be so big and beautiful and strong and good?? *CURSE THAT PEEN!!* Why am I suddenly so lonely all the time? And where is the man for me? What's taking him so long? Why am I refusing to settle for less than what I want? OMG, I cannot wait CANNNNNNOOOOOTTTT WAIT to get to Miami!! The beach, the spa, the Papi Chulos, the wavy hair *you know im picking out my hair today, right?* I NEVER turn my phone off when I'm away from Isayah, but this time? Psht! He'll be with T, and she has my sister's number, so if she needs me for anything, she'll call my sister or text her. *Is Barack Obama a smoker? Eww. Gross. Minus 10 points for Mr. O* No gmail, no facebook, nothing. Just me, hot ass Miami, and whatever my imagination can come up with. Jeah!! Where the hell is Renata?? What is she doing? I miss her. That makes me sad. Alot. I'm ready for dance class, Synergy Hip Hop. Starts today, i hope my car will get me there. i have the best boss, but sometimes, he can be a big baby. Lol. I'm gonna have to dip into my car savings to make it thru the month, I can already tell. And i'm surprised at how angry I'm not about it. Did I say I'm really boosted about Miami? ok. I need a pedicure like it ain't NOBODY'S business. Why did my mother get hotel rooms to separate the genders for graduation? I don't wanna room with her, OR HER SISTER. I can't stand that heffa (her sister), why in the world would I wanna sleep in the same room with her?? What was my mother thinking?? Man, do you know how much money I'm bout to spend this month? it's bout to be real ignant. S**** goes to court for child support on July 7th. I don't feel any particular way about it. I think just knowing that he doesn't WANT to pay anything or help out killed it for me, so it don't even matter what the judge says. I did Isayah a huge disservice by procreating with that guy. I'm starting to think I'll never forgive myself for it. i forgot peter's shipment on friday, he's gonna fuss. am i ever gonna be a full time professional freelance or agency-repped MUA? Sometimes it feels like this shit is gonna be my side hustle forever. it's taking SOOOOOOOOOO LONG. SIGH. how in the hell am i gonna get on theknot.com?? perhaps i could convince myself to be one of those people who hangs out (ahem) with just anyone just to be near someone, because i'm lonely. *thinking about it* ...*grossed out*. Nah, that's okay. I'll pass. I'm too spoiled. I feel like I should have what i want, and nothing else will do. no big fat ass tumor-looking pot bellies, no receding hairlines, no stank cigarette breath, no bad kissers, no Tiny Tims, no marrieds, no engageds, no "this is my situation"s, no 'let's just be friends and chill's, no "i don't really know how to talk properly so I'ma just use some random big words and let you figure out what the fuck i mean"s, nope. Can't do it. *A shot of Patron would be great right now* Why are most of the handsome, articulate, sexy, educated men I know completely unavailable to be at my disposal? I don't see the fairness in that. Not at all. One day I'ma say 'to hell wit all this shit', and just be gone. No, REALLY, I am. Right now, I still care, so I still try. But, the day that i won't care is fast approaching. You've been warned.
Big Sigh.
Okay, dump over. I feel waaaaay more relaxed right now. and I'm letting the phone ring. They'll call back if it's important. LOL.
I'm sure there are loads of people who can carry around everything they're doing/thinking/worrying about/stressing over and deal with it gracefully, as if they don't have a care in the world. I'm not one of those people. Never have been, probably never will be. And I'm okay with that. Problem is I don't always have someone to dump on, lol. *that sounds so gross* So, alot of times, I end up carrying it anyway. When the load becomes too heavy, I talk to myself. *shrug* You'd be surprised what kinda conversations you can have with yourself once you get past the stigma of it being completely PSYCHOTIC. *side eye*
Moving On.
Today is definitely a day for a brain dump. And since I have no one else that i'd like to burden with my dumping, blogger is it. :-) Dumping is completely random, makes no sense usually, and has no order or structure. Here it goes:
I'm so sick of my piece'a shit ass car. Sometimes, I want to be ungrateful and curse my dad for passing on that pile of trouble to me. That makes me feel guilty, but whatever. It is more trouble than it's worth, and I cannot wait to get another car. Why the fuck was it so hot this weekend?? The heat! The humidity!! I cant stand it! I sweat out my permed edges! Someone must pay! Can you believe I'm not *gasp* friendly with the woman who once wanted to murder me because she thought I was trying to snatch her man from her?! Weird. Why does Ingo travel for work so much, and I'm always stuck here, manning the office? Don't I like to travel too? If people knew how much food from 7-11 I actually ate, they'd tell me to stop whatever I'm doing and go straight to the doctor's office and get my colon drenched, flushed, and sewn shut. Didn't I decide I didn't wanna lose weight this year? So why is God trying to make me lose weight anyway by doing all this manual labor?? Wasn't there a fee for my makeup party this weekend? So, how come two people didn't pay? Why do friends assume I would just LOVE to work for free? This is why I won't ever do it again, not for free. It only takes 2 to ruin it for everyone. Why does S****** keep trying to have sex with me even though he's now engaged? And why am I considering it? Why must his penis be so big and beautiful and strong and good?? *CURSE THAT PEEN!!* Why am I suddenly so lonely all the time? And where is the man for me? What's taking him so long? Why am I refusing to settle for less than what I want? OMG, I cannot wait CANNNNNNOOOOOTTTT WAIT to get to Miami!! The beach, the spa, the Papi Chulos, the wavy hair *you know im picking out my hair today, right?* I NEVER turn my phone off when I'm away from Isayah, but this time? Psht! He'll be with T, and she has my sister's number, so if she needs me for anything, she'll call my sister or text her. *Is Barack Obama a smoker? Eww. Gross. Minus 10 points for Mr. O* No gmail, no facebook, nothing. Just me, hot ass Miami, and whatever my imagination can come up with. Jeah!! Where the hell is Renata?? What is she doing? I miss her. That makes me sad. Alot. I'm ready for dance class, Synergy Hip Hop. Starts today, i hope my car will get me there. i have the best boss, but sometimes, he can be a big baby. Lol. I'm gonna have to dip into my car savings to make it thru the month, I can already tell. And i'm surprised at how angry I'm not about it. Did I say I'm really boosted about Miami? ok. I need a pedicure like it ain't NOBODY'S business. Why did my mother get hotel rooms to separate the genders for graduation? I don't wanna room with her, OR HER SISTER. I can't stand that heffa (her sister), why in the world would I wanna sleep in the same room with her?? What was my mother thinking?? Man, do you know how much money I'm bout to spend this month? it's bout to be real ignant. S**** goes to court for child support on July 7th. I don't feel any particular way about it. I think just knowing that he doesn't WANT to pay anything or help out killed it for me, so it don't even matter what the judge says. I did Isayah a huge disservice by procreating with that guy. I'm starting to think I'll never forgive myself for it. i forgot peter's shipment on friday, he's gonna fuss. am i ever gonna be a full time professional freelance or agency-repped MUA? Sometimes it feels like this shit is gonna be my side hustle forever. it's taking SOOOOOOOOOO LONG. SIGH. how in the hell am i gonna get on theknot.com?? perhaps i could convince myself to be one of those people who hangs out (ahem) with just anyone just to be near someone, because i'm lonely. *thinking about it* ...*grossed out*. Nah, that's okay. I'll pass. I'm too spoiled. I feel like I should have what i want, and nothing else will do. no big fat ass tumor-looking pot bellies, no receding hairlines, no stank cigarette breath, no bad kissers, no Tiny Tims, no marrieds, no engageds, no "this is my situation"s, no 'let's just be friends and chill's, no "i don't really know how to talk properly so I'ma just use some random big words and let you figure out what the fuck i mean"s, nope. Can't do it. *A shot of Patron would be great right now* Why are most of the handsome, articulate, sexy, educated men I know completely unavailable to be at my disposal? I don't see the fairness in that. Not at all. One day I'ma say 'to hell wit all this shit', and just be gone. No, REALLY, I am. Right now, I still care, so I still try. But, the day that i won't care is fast approaching. You've been warned.
Big Sigh.
Okay, dump over. I feel waaaaay more relaxed right now. and I'm letting the phone ring. They'll call back if it's important. LOL.
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