Already, it's on my nerves. So many choices, decisions, too many thoughts at once. I changed my mind, lol.
What's funny is that I've looked forward to turning 30 for so long under the assumption that once I became a 30 year old, I would magically be 'grown and sexy', have all the answers, and somehow have a "different" wand suddenly waved over me...without having to do much work....I would be all grown up. #whowasIreally?
Being 30 has taught me a few things. First, I've learned that there are no easy answers, so my quest to find the quick answers, quick solutions, quick ANYTHING really needs to stop N.O.W. In fact, the sooner I can bring that desire to a halt, the better. For everybody. Second, I've learned to empower myself and to not wait for permission to live the life I want to lead. More to the point, I don't NEED permission to make my choices. A sub lesson from this is that it's okay to disagree with those I love because everyone won't always agree with my choices. And they don't have to. I can still love them, talk to them, don't have to disown them, leave the relationship, or take it so personally that I get angry and dismissive. I have the distinct ability to tap into my power as a woman, as a mother, as a child of God, as a human being, and to create almost anything my puny human brain can conjure up, lol. It is real. It's not just hippie blathering that self-help authors write about to sell unnecessary books. The last thing I've learned so far, by far the most important, is to forgive. Namely, myself. To try giving the benefit of the doubt sometimes and not be so quick to condemn. This last one is certainly a work in progress, but I must say that its alot better operating from a place of love and forgiveness than a place of darkness and anger like I used to.
Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is dark. Life is FULL of light. Its so many things, and nothing at all really. In the grand scheme of time, our lives are (seriously) but an instant. Only a hundred years, if we're lucky. time will march on without us once we're gone from this life, for sure. I don't get a choice of what planet to inhabit, what God made me look like when he created me 30 years and 9 months ago, or how senior citizens drive, but I do get to choose how to design my little bit of life for the time that i'm here. I get to choose what to aim for, and why. I get to change my mind if i rethink a choice and opt for something different. It's not the easiest thing I've ever done, and navigating the waters of how to make the best decision for myself and my family isn't always a 4th of July cookout with the perfect breeze, but I can decide to use it to my advantage...or not.
All that said, I do feel...different. I am aware that there is a change taking place inside of me. For so long, I begged and pleaded for the motivation/inspiration/whatever you call it to be able to move forward, become a different (read: better) person, and leave my past way WAAAAAAY behind me. i thought having a degree would do it. Or being single would do it. Or having a car, a job i held for more than 1 year, or any number of other things. And I was dead serious. Sadly, I was completely on the wrong track.
Now, i feel a calmness that previously eluded me. I feel like I know I have decisions to make about certain things in my life, important decisions that will change my life's course. But, unlike in the past, I feel okay with taking my time to think, rethink, and make a good choice instead of just rushing to do something because I feel I have something to prove to the world. I do have a lot on my mind, but I'm not forcing myself to produce results in a day. Even God took 7 days; I can take a little time.
I always thought i would use/abuse my 20s, make all the bad choices and mistakes just to get them outta the way so that by the time I turned 30, I could live "the good life, free of mistakes and bad decisions". It sounds ludicrous now that i see it in print, lmao! But, again, i was dead serious (and half right). I DAMN SURE abused my life in my 20s. LOL. I've been around the block for 15 years now; I think it's time to put some of that knowledge to use. Good use.
That's what I plan to do with 30. I'm almost ready.
