I don't know how or why (and quite frankly, don't care) Yolanda Adams wrote this song for me, but I sure do appreciate that she did. I listened to it on repeat today as I walked home from work for the final time. Every single word to this song describes how I felt today, and what I'll need (for the rest of my life) in order to accomplish the tall orders I've served myself.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Confession: I was more emotional than I thought I'd be
...as I walked out of my office today, for the last time. The buyout did NOT go through, the layoff is official, and today was my last day. It was all so surreal. I felt...like I was losing a child, lol. Which sounds strange, I know, but is true. I worked so hard--shoot, we all did--to make this company a success and to see it all go down the drain--literally--was kinda hard.
I am thankful that God gave me notice and made it so that I would have time to prepare, to plan, and to position myself according to what must happen in the next chapter of my life. 99% of layoffs don't allow for that time of transition. For me, it was essential to have that time, though. I was able to train my brain, daily, to not think of the safety net of corporate job; to train my thoughts to settle when they want to spin out of control; to train myself to not get emotional at the drop of a hat or to make emotional decisions; to prepare myself mentally for entrepreneurship. It is a task, for sure. I've been doing it, though, slowly but surely over the past weeks. I was able to try out different things, test some theories, do a lot of studying and research, and to really anchor myself with knowledge. Being drowned in knowledge is really crucial for me when it comes to making big decisions, and this time, I was determined to do it right.
Two years ago when I took that job, I promised myself that I would stay there until I was ready to strike out on my own. About 3 months in, I rephrased that: Once I left this job, I would not take another corporate job. I would work for myself, and myself only. So many times I wanted to quit that stank ass job and find another; so many times I had to remind myself that I'd taken this job with a purpose, and with a very specific goal in mind: use it as a launch pad to entrepreneurship. So I'd had to buckle down and fight my way through the discomfort, confusion, and frustration. I was gonna be a freelancer if it killed me!I didn't know how yet, but I had come to realize that i needed to work, on my own terms, in a field that I loved. Otherwise, my life would fail miserably. And that job was just the motivation I needed.
Its important to note that I was not completely prepared for it when news of this layoff struck. However, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was time. The time had come to take the leap because I had run out of excuses. I'd secretly watched my boss--a small business owner himself--run his company, make mistakes, find successes, and follow his dreams. Though I didn't always agree with his business practices, I was a sponge that soaked up everything about small business management that I possibly could. And can I just say that God has set it up so perfectly that if I were ever in doubt about whether or not now was the time, those doubts have been put to rest. I am one of those ppl who only get shit done successfully when there's a fire lit under me. If it ain't urgent, chances are, I'm gonna procrastinate. I got so comfortable in that job (in that life, truthfully) that all my hustle died. Well, most of it. Now, I have no man, no car, no full time job, barely any savings left after two short paychecks, and most of my human resources are tapped out. Yep. When it rains, it truly pours.
*opens cute pink and black umbrella then puts on favorite Prada sunglasses*
It's raining now because it has to in order for me care enough to high tail it forward into sunshiny beautiful days. In my old age (LOL), I understand that now; years ago, I didn't. And I'm thankful for that kinda growth. I look forward to more of it in the days and weeks and months to come.
*walks away whistling, under the umbrella*
I am thankful that God gave me notice and made it so that I would have time to prepare, to plan, and to position myself according to what must happen in the next chapter of my life. 99% of layoffs don't allow for that time of transition. For me, it was essential to have that time, though. I was able to train my brain, daily, to not think of the safety net of corporate job; to train my thoughts to settle when they want to spin out of control; to train myself to not get emotional at the drop of a hat or to make emotional decisions; to prepare myself mentally for entrepreneurship. It is a task, for sure. I've been doing it, though, slowly but surely over the past weeks. I was able to try out different things, test some theories, do a lot of studying and research, and to really anchor myself with knowledge. Being drowned in knowledge is really crucial for me when it comes to making big decisions, and this time, I was determined to do it right.
Two years ago when I took that job, I promised myself that I would stay there until I was ready to strike out on my own. About 3 months in, I rephrased that: Once I left this job, I would not take another corporate job. I would work for myself, and myself only. So many times I wanted to quit that stank ass job and find another; so many times I had to remind myself that I'd taken this job with a purpose, and with a very specific goal in mind: use it as a launch pad to entrepreneurship. So I'd had to buckle down and fight my way through the discomfort, confusion, and frustration. I was gonna be a freelancer if it killed me!I didn't know how yet, but I had come to realize that i needed to work, on my own terms, in a field that I loved. Otherwise, my life would fail miserably. And that job was just the motivation I needed.
Its important to note that I was not completely prepared for it when news of this layoff struck. However, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was time. The time had come to take the leap because I had run out of excuses. I'd secretly watched my boss--a small business owner himself--run his company, make mistakes, find successes, and follow his dreams. Though I didn't always agree with his business practices, I was a sponge that soaked up everything about small business management that I possibly could. And can I just say that God has set it up so perfectly that if I were ever in doubt about whether or not now was the time, those doubts have been put to rest. I am one of those ppl who only get shit done successfully when there's a fire lit under me. If it ain't urgent, chances are, I'm gonna procrastinate. I got so comfortable in that job (in that life, truthfully) that all my hustle died. Well, most of it. Now, I have no man, no car, no full time job, barely any savings left after two short paychecks, and most of my human resources are tapped out. Yep. When it rains, it truly pours.
*opens cute pink and black umbrella then puts on favorite Prada sunglasses*
It's raining now because it has to in order for me care enough to high tail it forward into sunshiny beautiful days. In my old age (LOL), I understand that now; years ago, I didn't. And I'm thankful for that kinda growth. I look forward to more of it in the days and weeks and months to come.
*walks away whistling, under the umbrella*
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