into nothingness sometimes. A few weeks ago, my boss informed all of us that our little company isn't doing so well financially, and that our jobs are in jeopardy. Not immediate jeopardy, but soon enough, we would all need to have something else locked down. He explained that we "have time" (read: a few months) but that we should definitely start looking. A few days later, he comes to me, jumping for joy (literally) because one of our customers has offered to buy us out of our partnership with our mother company, which meant we would be able to keep our jobs. He asked if I would stay and work for him if that merger went through. i told him that I would. No one's spoken of it since then. I made the decision to stay because 1. I'm loyal to my boss and this company, because he has been loyal to me as an employee, and 2. Low salary aside, this job is the perfect job for me and I hate to walk away from it.
Fast forward to this week, just this past Monday. I started reading some new books and one of them really made me think about my ideals and values and standards for my life. I began to wonder when they'd become so low. I have a 10 year old son by a man who is currently not paying child support. I live in government subsidized housing (honestly, though, i didn't realize it until about 2 months ago). I have no car. My savings is dwindling. This country is in the middle of one of the worst economic states it's seen SINCE TIME BEGAN.
And here I am seriously considering loyalty to a job that pays me just enough money to live a hairsbreadth above the poverty line. Where dey do dat at?? The answer could be that I'm afraid to make the transition to something different. My mind is immediately besieged with "What ifs", acne shows up on my face, and i begin to drink sodas. LOL. Dead serious. A few months ago, before there were talks of bankruptcy and mergers, I began drinking sodas (again). that should have been my first clue. But, I ignore the sign, and kept passing it off as a 'thing i was going thru'. Now here we are months later, i'm being -- essentially-- forced to face a transition I'll have to make, and i'm already about 2,000 sodas in, i haven't worn makeup in a while because of my acne, and i spend about 5 hours total each day avoiding the "what ifs" in my mind. I think part of me is using depression as an excuse not to deal with things. i tell myself "once i feel better, i will deal with it."
God has given me the advantage of knowing ahead of time that I will need to transition soon. And I am wasting it because of fear. There are plenty of situations that I can convince myself I can take my time to sort out. Finding a new job and possibly new housing are not part of that group of situations. I need to at least START making a feasible plan for that, right now. That said, I still don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much at a time...because i WILL shut down, and end up looking crazy when I have no plan of action in a few months. Just yesterday, my boss gave me a ride to the bank. During the ride, he told me he was leaving early to take his wife to a job interview in DC. I was floored! His wife hasn't worked since I've been here! I take that back. She's worked but she's been a stay at home mom, and she's been a travel agent; she just didn't get paid for it. the fact that she now has to go out and get a job should have been enough to shake me free of the cobwebs and fly into motion with a plan. I can't say that I FLEW...but that info did seep in through the fog, and i do now see that this shit is real. Loneliness and depression aside, I need to come up for air long enough to take care of my business. the business of providing for myself and my child; the business of not getting eaten alive by debt; the business of surviving, progressing to living comfortably, then ultimately living successfully. I've been in survival mode for all of my life. Maybe this is God's way of nudging me into seeing that I have a genuine opportunity to do something authentic with my life, if I use the time and resources I have at my disposal. This is a chance to break the bad habit of procrastinating and see some real results by doing the opposite.
This transition is no less scary than any other. But i cannot deny that it is a huge blessing to have forewarning. Most people who are losing jobs each day (and there are millions of them) don't have that blessing. They show up for work, work a full day, then have no job by the end of that same day, forced to go home with nothing. I'm in a prime position right now.Yesterday I was inspired to do some things by articles I read on Rich Single Momma. I found the info, I allowed it to inspire me, but then I didn't do anything with it. This time, I will follow through to completion.
So let me go get on it. I will report back later with what I came up with.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Are these really my Pores?
I think i'm gonna have to stop doing the OCM. My pores look like meatballs. Yes, it's really that gross.
That's all.
That's all.
Slow Grind
It's not a busy time for BDI, y'all. I've decided to lay my brushes down for a while. I'm too overwhelmed and things are not going well. I would never abandon Makeup forever, but some things need to take priority over makeup for a while. So, I have to find a way to just not participate for a time. I miss it already, but I have to say, I need a break :-(. Chaos is not sexy, lol.
Makeup will be here when I get back! I will see you guys in a few!
Makeup will be here when I get back! I will see you guys in a few!
Confession: Today I saw a glimmer
...of hope. A tiny flicker of light in this darkness I'm surrounded by right now. A few months back, I joined an online community, Rich Single Momma, headed by a phenomenal woman named Samantha from Atlanta. I was caught up at the time, and couldn't really dedicate any real time to explore the site. Now that I'm on hiatus for a while (and can breathe), I finally took the time to check out the site. And MAN!! It was just the boost I needed!
Browsing through the articles, reading the comments...I found myself sitting upright screaming at the computer screen "Me too! That happens to me too!" LOL. I found some great articles with great info and links to some really helpful tools. One of the sites a link led me to was a goal tracking tool, Joe's Goals. This particular link leads to my goals page but anyone can sign up for free to create their own page. I purposely kept my goals list short and simple. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to train my brain to not overwhelm itself by cramming too many things into too little space. Anyway, the site is a wonderful tool for connecting with others like me, and I've already been in touch with Samantha a few times. The focus is mainly financial freedom as a single parent, but there are articles on other things as well. After all, being a single mom isn't just about money. This is the first thing I've connected with in months! I wasn't sure how God would answer my prayers this morning, but I was confident He would. I told Him I would keep my eyes and my heart open for whatever He would send me. And it seems like as soon as I said the words, they floated up to His ears and He began to pour insight into my open heart. Who knew it was as easy as asking?
If you get a chance, check out the site!
Browsing through the articles, reading the comments...I found myself sitting upright screaming at the computer screen "Me too! That happens to me too!" LOL. I found some great articles with great info and links to some really helpful tools. One of the sites a link led me to was a goal tracking tool, Joe's Goals. This particular link leads to my goals page but anyone can sign up for free to create their own page. I purposely kept my goals list short and simple. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to train my brain to not overwhelm itself by cramming too many things into too little space. Anyway, the site is a wonderful tool for connecting with others like me, and I've already been in touch with Samantha a few times. The focus is mainly financial freedom as a single parent, but there are articles on other things as well. After all, being a single mom isn't just about money. This is the first thing I've connected with in months! I wasn't sure how God would answer my prayers this morning, but I was confident He would. I told Him I would keep my eyes and my heart open for whatever He would send me. And it seems like as soon as I said the words, they floated up to His ears and He began to pour insight into my open heart. Who knew it was as easy as asking?
If you get a chance, check out the site!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Confession: I am lost
And I am not sure what to do about it. So many people say that prayer is the answer. But, when I pray, I don't feel better. Which makes me feel like perhaps I'm doing it wrong. I do believe in God. I believe that God is all powerful and all knowing, and makes things happen in my life. But, honestly, sometimes--MOST times, in fact--i feel forgotten by God. I feel left to figure this thing out on my own. And if I were completely alone, I'm sure it would be less scary. But, having a child that you must teach and train, guide and nurture when you, yourself, don't have much to go on....is debilitating. I mean, what do you do?? When I had the freedom to just stumble thru life and figure it out as I went, I was completely cool with that. But, now, that is not an option.
When I pray, all I hear is silence afterward. Deafening, terrifying, depressing.
And I always wondered: What about the people who do believe in God? Who or what do they believe in? I feel that everyone needs something to believe in, but if it's not a deity, then what is it? the Universe?
Ok, so lets say I believe in the Universe (as a separate entity from the Christian God). How do I talk to the Universe? How will it talk to me? How will we communicate? Is it all just The Secret? is it all really TRULY just energy and motion? Does it only work if you believe in it, like say, the lotto? Or is it real, and working, even if you don't believe...like karma? Or...is karma part of the Universe? I'm getting confused. :-/
All I know right now is that I am searching for something that makes sense out of the chaos in my world these days. Dating is not working because i can feel the disconnection, and that makes me feel not ready. I feel it's unfair to try to strike up anything new with anyone new when i know i'm a spiritual mess. I can't quite say I'm looking for an easy way out because i don't believe I am. i'm just looking for something that resonates with me, something that makes me say "ugh, FINALLY! YES!! Now, at least PART of this makes some sense" instead of constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) feeling like every single thing is falling apart around me, and I should just let it because i can't make any sense out of why it's happening.
D says that when i feel like this, I should just change my channel. Switch from this negative energy to a channel where I'm giving and receiving positive energy. Uh, right. Lemme get back to you on that.
Reading and then watching The Secret didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. i think the problem is believing. What do you do when you're tired of believing in shit? what happens? It's chaos, that's what happens. Your focus is lost, your drive just speeds off, your will to live or do anything else withers. You can't tell the difference between light and dark because it all just looks dark. You don't wanna talk to anyone, or answer the phone. There's guilt, and shame, and as vain as I am, there's disinterest in your personal appearance. total and complete Chaos. Change channels my ass. Where's my damn remote??
This is some ole bullshit. I'll be glad when it passes.
When I pray, all I hear is silence afterward. Deafening, terrifying, depressing.
And I always wondered: What about the people who do believe in God? Who or what do they believe in? I feel that everyone needs something to believe in, but if it's not a deity, then what is it? the Universe?
Ok, so lets say I believe in the Universe (as a separate entity from the Christian God). How do I talk to the Universe? How will it talk to me? How will we communicate? Is it all just The Secret? is it all really TRULY just energy and motion? Does it only work if you believe in it, like say, the lotto? Or is it real, and working, even if you don't believe...like karma? Or...is karma part of the Universe? I'm getting confused. :-/
All I know right now is that I am searching for something that makes sense out of the chaos in my world these days. Dating is not working because i can feel the disconnection, and that makes me feel not ready. I feel it's unfair to try to strike up anything new with anyone new when i know i'm a spiritual mess. I can't quite say I'm looking for an easy way out because i don't believe I am. i'm just looking for something that resonates with me, something that makes me say "ugh, FINALLY! YES!! Now, at least PART of this makes some sense" instead of constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) feeling like every single thing is falling apart around me, and I should just let it because i can't make any sense out of why it's happening.
D says that when i feel like this, I should just change my channel. Switch from this negative energy to a channel where I'm giving and receiving positive energy. Uh, right. Lemme get back to you on that.
Reading and then watching The Secret didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. i think the problem is believing. What do you do when you're tired of believing in shit? what happens? It's chaos, that's what happens. Your focus is lost, your drive just speeds off, your will to live or do anything else withers. You can't tell the difference between light and dark because it all just looks dark. You don't wanna talk to anyone, or answer the phone. There's guilt, and shame, and as vain as I am, there's disinterest in your personal appearance. total and complete Chaos. Change channels my ass. Where's my damn remote??
This is some ole bullshit. I'll be glad when it passes.
Confession: I may be in denial
Today, Isayah's sick, and I let him stay home from school. I found myself being very nurturing, and it freaked me out. lately, I've also had the desire to do more things with him...which is weird because I normally can't wait to get him somewhere away from me, lol. Could I be enjoying motherhood? *gasp*
*here comes Florida Evans*
Dayummmm, Dayummmm, Daaaayuuuummmmmmmmmmm!!! When did this happen?? I called up one of my girls yesterday to plan a beach trip for our kids (wait, wha?) late next month. And I'm actually looking forward to it! I'm so out of my element with this. I love my son, but I've never loved motherhood. Correction: I ADORE parenthood in January when it's time to file my taxes, and I loved all the attention I got when pregnant (so trifling, yes, I know). But other than that, motherhood was the most thankless, grueling, vampire (becuz it sucks the life out of you sometimes) job anyone will ever do. and for the most part, I've hated it. I do believe that my son is a gift to my life, and I appreciate what his presence has done for my life. But it is work, especially doing it by myself. And it never ends. So it is, at times, difficult, to see the joy for all the sweat dripping into my eyes.
When did this happen??
*here comes Florida Evans*
Dayummmm, Dayummmm, Daaaayuuuummmmmmmmmmm!!! When did this happen?? I called up one of my girls yesterday to plan a beach trip for our kids (wait, wha?) late next month. And I'm actually looking forward to it! I'm so out of my element with this. I love my son, but I've never loved motherhood. Correction: I ADORE parenthood in January when it's time to file my taxes, and I loved all the attention I got when pregnant (so trifling, yes, I know). But other than that, motherhood was the most thankless, grueling, vampire (becuz it sucks the life out of you sometimes) job anyone will ever do. and for the most part, I've hated it. I do believe that my son is a gift to my life, and I appreciate what his presence has done for my life. But it is work, especially doing it by myself. And it never ends. So it is, at times, difficult, to see the joy for all the sweat dripping into my eyes.
When did this happen??
Confession: I'm Ms. Lonely
There. I said it.
Luther was right: Loneliness is such a sad affair. A saaahaaa-haaaa-aaaad affair.
Part of me feels grateful that I have a child because Lord knows he is the only one who leans on me when I feel sad and lonely. He gives great hugs and kisses, and he is the world's funniest 10 year old. I'm laughing just thinking about that fool. And sometimes, when he's outside, he'll call in to check on me and bug me about what I'm doing. I think he's just as bored and lonely as i am :-(. I wish I could tell you that we spend loads and loads of time together, entertaining each other. But I can't, so i won't. he's usually outside playing with his friends, or, now that the pool is open, hanging out at the pool. Whenever he's in the house, it's usually late in the evening, and since we don't have a television, he's constantly complaining about being bored. i can't say I blame him, but it does get annoying.
Its not so much that I need constant companionship like I'd find in a boyfriend. i would just like to not have to play games with someone to get to spend time with them. I'm not good at playing games with guys, not when it comes to dating. I miss being able to call someone over to cook for, or to watch a movie with, or to meet for a game of tennis without having to pretend I don't like it. Every new guy i meet, he's either too boring and square or moves at a complete snail's pace. Dating has entirely too many rules for my tastes, and I'm no good at it. I just wanna skip all da bullshit, and get to it already!! Not to it 'the sex' but it the good part of getting to know ppl. Internet dating is beginning to make me realize that I work much better in person. i can't do email tag, i can't do the "lets wait and see if she's crazy so I'm not gonna give her my phone number just yet" game, and I sure as hell wanna be able to check allll his damn teeth before I agree to anything. Hmph.
I finally got around to reading The Coldest Winter Ever this past weekend, and it was just as good as everyone said it would be. The special edition I read included a reader's guide in the back of the book; it broke down all the characters, did character and relationship analysis, and there was a question and answer section, too. I must admit, urban stories frighten me. They always have. I was completely intimidated by this book so, in an effort to prepare myself (as well as stall), I read the reader's guide before the actual novel. The jury's still out on whether or not that was a good move, but it definitely helped me to understand things I otherwise wouldn't have. I have a great friend, Arlene, who notoriously reads book endings before starting books, juuuuust to make sure the ending is worth sitting through the beginning. LOL. I know, I *smh* too. But it serves her purpose. I only cheated a tiny bit, and read the last page before starting. even if the last page hadn't given the ending away, the reader's guide would have so nothing was majorly ruined. I enjoyed reading about Winter's escapades. her life was continually filled with drama and chaos; in that way, i related to her. There was just ALWAYS something going on. That was about where the similarities ended.
One of the relationship analyses that I read in the guide talked about Winter's relationship with her mother. Specifically, what her mom did/didn't teach her about womanhood. I found that, even while deeply engrossed in reading the novel, I would flip to the guide and read that analysis again. not for the purpose of understanding, but because it spoke to me so deeply that I couldn't stop thinking about what she'd written.
Basically she explains 1. Why Mrs. Santiago is the only character in the book with no first name, and 2. What sorts of things Mrs. Santiago SHOULD have taught Winter, as her mother. Things Winter would need to know about how to be a woman, how to choose a man, how to be a good choice for a good man, etc.
These are the sorts of things no one ever said to me as a young girl, things I wish someone had just taken the time to just say out loud, with sincerity. My mother and I used to argue all the time about things she did and didn't teach me. She complained that I was so stubborn, I wouldn't have listened anyway so she didn't bother. I would agree that, yes, I was very stubborn but I did listen. Practically all my friends' parents were influential in my younger years. Shit, they HAD to be! My parents were too busy being themselves to bother with imparting any wisdom into my life. Candice's mom was my nurturer, Renata's father was my daddy who spoiled me and gave me self esteem, Kede's parents were the cool parents who took me places and introduced me to cultures, events, things I would otherwise not have seen. Even Tishonda's mom Crazy Daisy--who, it is important to note, I did not ever agree with nor whose ways I ever understood--encouraged me to stand up for myself and learn to have some boundaries. Throughout my childhood, I had tons of friends whose parents I was uber close to,especially the moms. I just didn't have that relationship with my mom. I couldn't ask her questions, couldn't tell her shit, couldn't do nothing but wash the damn dishes and stay outta her face. Now, to be clear, my mother did not have a drug problem that i knew of. I think she just didn't wanna be bothered with me because I was a handful, and she was not a teacher.
If the book wasn't a library book, I'd rip the page out and hang it on my wall. As depressed and lonely as I've been feeling lately, it is the first thing in a LONG TIME that gotten thru the fog that my existence has become. it just hit me, literally, like a big ass bag of donuts. I said to myself "so THAT'S what you're supposed to do?? how does she know this stuff??" Essentially, she said to me what I'm assuming most women already know: I should spend some time alone and get to know me, who I am, what i like, what i stand for, what i believe, and what my standards truly are. Maybe I'm spending far too much time running away from this alone time. Maybe I should use it to "find myself". WTF does that mean anyway?
What sorts of things does one do when one finds themself? I think it means "Alandria, get a life."
Hmmmm.......
Luther was right: Loneliness is such a sad affair. A saaahaaa-haaaa-aaaad affair.
Part of me feels grateful that I have a child because Lord knows he is the only one who leans on me when I feel sad and lonely. He gives great hugs and kisses, and he is the world's funniest 10 year old. I'm laughing just thinking about that fool. And sometimes, when he's outside, he'll call in to check on me and bug me about what I'm doing. I think he's just as bored and lonely as i am :-(. I wish I could tell you that we spend loads and loads of time together, entertaining each other. But I can't, so i won't. he's usually outside playing with his friends, or, now that the pool is open, hanging out at the pool. Whenever he's in the house, it's usually late in the evening, and since we don't have a television, he's constantly complaining about being bored. i can't say I blame him, but it does get annoying.
Its not so much that I need constant companionship like I'd find in a boyfriend. i would just like to not have to play games with someone to get to spend time with them. I'm not good at playing games with guys, not when it comes to dating. I miss being able to call someone over to cook for, or to watch a movie with, or to meet for a game of tennis without having to pretend I don't like it. Every new guy i meet, he's either too boring and square or moves at a complete snail's pace. Dating has entirely too many rules for my tastes, and I'm no good at it. I just wanna skip all da bullshit, and get to it already!! Not to it 'the sex' but it the good part of getting to know ppl. Internet dating is beginning to make me realize that I work much better in person. i can't do email tag, i can't do the "lets wait and see if she's crazy so I'm not gonna give her my phone number just yet" game, and I sure as hell wanna be able to check allll his damn teeth before I agree to anything. Hmph.
I finally got around to reading The Coldest Winter Ever this past weekend, and it was just as good as everyone said it would be. The special edition I read included a reader's guide in the back of the book; it broke down all the characters, did character and relationship analysis, and there was a question and answer section, too. I must admit, urban stories frighten me. They always have. I was completely intimidated by this book so, in an effort to prepare myself (as well as stall), I read the reader's guide before the actual novel. The jury's still out on whether or not that was a good move, but it definitely helped me to understand things I otherwise wouldn't have. I have a great friend, Arlene, who notoriously reads book endings before starting books, juuuuust to make sure the ending is worth sitting through the beginning. LOL. I know, I *smh* too. But it serves her purpose. I only cheated a tiny bit, and read the last page before starting. even if the last page hadn't given the ending away, the reader's guide would have so nothing was majorly ruined. I enjoyed reading about Winter's escapades. her life was continually filled with drama and chaos; in that way, i related to her. There was just ALWAYS something going on. That was about where the similarities ended.
One of the relationship analyses that I read in the guide talked about Winter's relationship with her mother. Specifically, what her mom did/didn't teach her about womanhood. I found that, even while deeply engrossed in reading the novel, I would flip to the guide and read that analysis again. not for the purpose of understanding, but because it spoke to me so deeply that I couldn't stop thinking about what she'd written.
Basically she explains 1. Why Mrs. Santiago is the only character in the book with no first name, and 2. What sorts of things Mrs. Santiago SHOULD have taught Winter, as her mother. Things Winter would need to know about how to be a woman, how to choose a man, how to be a good choice for a good man, etc.
These are the sorts of things no one ever said to me as a young girl, things I wish someone had just taken the time to just say out loud, with sincerity. My mother and I used to argue all the time about things she did and didn't teach me. She complained that I was so stubborn, I wouldn't have listened anyway so she didn't bother. I would agree that, yes, I was very stubborn but I did listen. Practically all my friends' parents were influential in my younger years. Shit, they HAD to be! My parents were too busy being themselves to bother with imparting any wisdom into my life. Candice's mom was my nurturer, Renata's father was my daddy who spoiled me and gave me self esteem, Kede's parents were the cool parents who took me places and introduced me to cultures, events, things I would otherwise not have seen. Even Tishonda's mom Crazy Daisy--who, it is important to note, I did not ever agree with nor whose ways I ever understood--encouraged me to stand up for myself and learn to have some boundaries. Throughout my childhood, I had tons of friends whose parents I was uber close to,especially the moms. I just didn't have that relationship with my mom. I couldn't ask her questions, couldn't tell her shit, couldn't do nothing but wash the damn dishes and stay outta her face. Now, to be clear, my mother did not have a drug problem that i knew of. I think she just didn't wanna be bothered with me because I was a handful, and she was not a teacher.
If the book wasn't a library book, I'd rip the page out and hang it on my wall. As depressed and lonely as I've been feeling lately, it is the first thing in a LONG TIME that gotten thru the fog that my existence has become. it just hit me, literally, like a big ass bag of donuts. I said to myself "so THAT'S what you're supposed to do?? how does she know this stuff??" Essentially, she said to me what I'm assuming most women already know: I should spend some time alone and get to know me, who I am, what i like, what i stand for, what i believe, and what my standards truly are. Maybe I'm spending far too much time running away from this alone time. Maybe I should use it to "find myself". WTF does that mean anyway?
What sorts of things does one do when one finds themself? I think it means "Alandria, get a life."
Hmmmm.......
Big Love?
Why me, Lord?
This is what I found myself saying after I hung up with Trey the last time. Trey is FINE. I mean FOINNNEE! Like Fionn Childs in high school Fine. I mean like Sean Turnage AFTER high school fine. Ya get it. Dude is FINE. Beautiful teeth, smooth sexy voice with that Harlem accent, light bright as they come with a head full of beautiful black curls. AND he loved to rock fitted caps, just.like.I.like.em. (Y'all know how I feel about fitted caps) He worked a full time, a part time, AND a thriving side hustle. He had two daughters who lit up his life. He spoke respectfully, never raised his voice, and understood boundaries and personal space. But aside from all of that, the thing I loved and adored about Trey was his honesty. He always told the truth. Always. Even when it hurt. He was a deep thinker, an avid learner of all types of things, always engrossed in a book or a play or WHATEVER. Trey was about his business, and he believed in giving back to the community so he employed the lil young boys on the block from his old neighborhood to give them something to do to stay out of trouble. Trey didn't crowd me, didn't demand loads of my time (though, let's face it, i had it to give. Ain't like i'm doin shit these days...but I digress), and he called me every day just to let me know he thought about me and that he was alive, even if he didn't have all the time in the world to chat. I appreciated that.
Trey was my emotional food. Talking to him about politics (which I never did before Trey), about sex, about love, about family, about the universe, about God, about spirituality, about the state of the Black community (again, something I NEVER used to do), about Home Depot, about roller skating, about EVERYTHING, it stroked me deep down to my emotional center. I could talk to him for hours. Most days, I did. He never got tired of talking and listening, and neither did i. Eventually he'd planned for us to have our first date at a spa where we'd enjoy a couple's massage, lunch, and a day of pampering. He said it was something he'd never done before, and wanted to try it with me. *swoon*
Trey thought I was a beautiful person on the inside, and he appreciated that I was loyal and honest and a hard worker. He could tell I wasn't a bad girl, just a little misguided at times. There was nothing I didn't like about Trey.
Until I discovered that Trey was a polygamist.
Trey had a girlfriend, a very serious girlfriend who he was interested in making his wife. Trey was also on the hunt for a second girlfriend to make his second wife. The day he dropped that bomb on me, I was crushed. Disappointed does the feeling that I felt no justice. I was way beyond disappointed. I'd asked if he had a girlfriend, he said he was seeing someone and it was serious. But, he didn't feel like that should stop him from having all the desires that he--as a man--wanted to indulge himself in. Trey believed that monogamy went totally against a man's nature--hence, all that sperm released during ejaculation--and that no one man could ever be pleased by just one woman. Men are hunters and the hunt does not end when one prey is caught. The hunt is continual. Women, however, had no need to be anything but monogamous. Women, by design, desired security and nurturing and love which can, by his account, be found in one man.
Personally, I thought it was a crock of shit. BUT, I knew immediately that it wouldn't work out. He didn't beg me to not say no; he did, however, put up a very persuasive argument for me at least being open to considering it. After all, I couldn't knock it until I'd at least tried it. Right?
So, I thought about it. For a day. Then, the next day, I had a list of questions for him. The idea of polygamy was very new to me, and I didn't wanna go google that shit and get all freaked out. I wanted to know what polygamy with Trey was like. What should I/could I expect? Was this just a ploy to get me to be his permanent side piece? Does his girlfriend know? What if I wanted to date someone else too? The questions were endless, lol. Thankfully, we had a rapport that made it so easy and comfortable for me to ask those questions, and get the answers I needed in order to make an informed decision.
Now, before you get all up in arms about him not telling me all this off the bat, in Trey's defense I will say that I didn't ask him, initially. I waited until I got to know him, was totally crushing on him, THEN asked about his status. NOW, in my own defense, I did meet him on POF and his profile lists him as Single and his religion as Other. He explained that like this: most women are not into polygamy because they're afraid of it based on bad stories they've heard. Most American women have never tried polygamy so they don't know if they can, in fact, be successful at it. And he knows that most women will rule him out without even taking the time to try it first, if he listed himself as in a relationship.
He's not looking for a side piece. He's looking for a loving healthy relationship. He's looking to meet a dynamic woman whom he can share his life with, and when the time comes that everyone should meet because everyone agrees that this is what they want, there will be a round table meeting/discussion.
*true story. that's what he said.*
Now. Again, I've never participated in anything like polygamy, ever. But, for the sake of at least being able to call myself open to trying new things, i decided I would try it. I told him i was very nervous and afraid of being neglected and becoming possessive and jealous (which was weird because I'm not even like that in relationships and have, in the past, given a boyfriend or two permission to step out if they needed to) and that i would need time to transition my mind to that way of thinking, but okay. I would try it.
Bwahahahahaha! That shit lasted all of A DAY. I think we talked MAYBE 3-4 more times after that day, but eventually, it died. I think he and the girlfriend lived together because I was not allowed to talk to him at night. He would call me at, say, 9:30/10 at night, and we would talk for a little while. On nights when he worked late, he'd call me on his way home. But, when he'd arrive home, we'd shut it down and not talk again until the next day. There was even one night where he politely (and i do mean politely, it wasn't sarcasm or anything mean, he had a really kind spirit about him) reminded me that I couldn't get too caught up in the idea of having him and his time all to myself because there was someone else. As long as he was giving me the time I needed, there was no need to be greedy, lol. *laughing hysterically at someone actually saying that to my greedy ass* He said that part of successful polygamy was learning to know your place and stay in that role at all times, to not get caught up in what I wouldn't be getting but to revel in what I WOULD be getting....yeah. He said that. To me.
Yeah dawg, I'ma hit you right back.
*singing Prince's Beautiful Ones*
This is what I found myself saying after I hung up with Trey the last time. Trey is FINE. I mean FOINNNEE! Like Fionn Childs in high school Fine. I mean like Sean Turnage AFTER high school fine. Ya get it. Dude is FINE. Beautiful teeth, smooth sexy voice with that Harlem accent, light bright as they come with a head full of beautiful black curls. AND he loved to rock fitted caps, just.like.I.like.em. (Y'all know how I feel about fitted caps) He worked a full time, a part time, AND a thriving side hustle. He had two daughters who lit up his life. He spoke respectfully, never raised his voice, and understood boundaries and personal space. But aside from all of that, the thing I loved and adored about Trey was his honesty. He always told the truth. Always. Even when it hurt. He was a deep thinker, an avid learner of all types of things, always engrossed in a book or a play or WHATEVER. Trey was about his business, and he believed in giving back to the community so he employed the lil young boys on the block from his old neighborhood to give them something to do to stay out of trouble. Trey didn't crowd me, didn't demand loads of my time (though, let's face it, i had it to give. Ain't like i'm doin shit these days...but I digress), and he called me every day just to let me know he thought about me and that he was alive, even if he didn't have all the time in the world to chat. I appreciated that.
Trey was my emotional food. Talking to him about politics (which I never did before Trey), about sex, about love, about family, about the universe, about God, about spirituality, about the state of the Black community (again, something I NEVER used to do), about Home Depot, about roller skating, about EVERYTHING, it stroked me deep down to my emotional center. I could talk to him for hours. Most days, I did. He never got tired of talking and listening, and neither did i. Eventually he'd planned for us to have our first date at a spa where we'd enjoy a couple's massage, lunch, and a day of pampering. He said it was something he'd never done before, and wanted to try it with me. *swoon*
Trey thought I was a beautiful person on the inside, and he appreciated that I was loyal and honest and a hard worker. He could tell I wasn't a bad girl, just a little misguided at times. There was nothing I didn't like about Trey.
Until I discovered that Trey was a polygamist.
Trey had a girlfriend, a very serious girlfriend who he was interested in making his wife. Trey was also on the hunt for a second girlfriend to make his second wife. The day he dropped that bomb on me, I was crushed. Disappointed does the feeling that I felt no justice. I was way beyond disappointed. I'd asked if he had a girlfriend, he said he was seeing someone and it was serious. But, he didn't feel like that should stop him from having all the desires that he--as a man--wanted to indulge himself in. Trey believed that monogamy went totally against a man's nature--hence, all that sperm released during ejaculation--and that no one man could ever be pleased by just one woman. Men are hunters and the hunt does not end when one prey is caught. The hunt is continual. Women, however, had no need to be anything but monogamous. Women, by design, desired security and nurturing and love which can, by his account, be found in one man.
Personally, I thought it was a crock of shit. BUT, I knew immediately that it wouldn't work out. He didn't beg me to not say no; he did, however, put up a very persuasive argument for me at least being open to considering it. After all, I couldn't knock it until I'd at least tried it. Right?
So, I thought about it. For a day. Then, the next day, I had a list of questions for him. The idea of polygamy was very new to me, and I didn't wanna go google that shit and get all freaked out. I wanted to know what polygamy with Trey was like. What should I/could I expect? Was this just a ploy to get me to be his permanent side piece? Does his girlfriend know? What if I wanted to date someone else too? The questions were endless, lol. Thankfully, we had a rapport that made it so easy and comfortable for me to ask those questions, and get the answers I needed in order to make an informed decision.
Now, before you get all up in arms about him not telling me all this off the bat, in Trey's defense I will say that I didn't ask him, initially. I waited until I got to know him, was totally crushing on him, THEN asked about his status. NOW, in my own defense, I did meet him on POF and his profile lists him as Single and his religion as Other. He explained that like this: most women are not into polygamy because they're afraid of it based on bad stories they've heard. Most American women have never tried polygamy so they don't know if they can, in fact, be successful at it. And he knows that most women will rule him out without even taking the time to try it first, if he listed himself as in a relationship.
He's not looking for a side piece. He's looking for a loving healthy relationship. He's looking to meet a dynamic woman whom he can share his life with, and when the time comes that everyone should meet because everyone agrees that this is what they want, there will be a round table meeting/discussion.
*true story. that's what he said.*
Now. Again, I've never participated in anything like polygamy, ever. But, for the sake of at least being able to call myself open to trying new things, i decided I would try it. I told him i was very nervous and afraid of being neglected and becoming possessive and jealous (which was weird because I'm not even like that in relationships and have, in the past, given a boyfriend or two permission to step out if they needed to) and that i would need time to transition my mind to that way of thinking, but okay. I would try it.
Bwahahahahaha! That shit lasted all of A DAY. I think we talked MAYBE 3-4 more times after that day, but eventually, it died. I think he and the girlfriend lived together because I was not allowed to talk to him at night. He would call me at, say, 9:30/10 at night, and we would talk for a little while. On nights when he worked late, he'd call me on his way home. But, when he'd arrive home, we'd shut it down and not talk again until the next day. There was even one night where he politely (and i do mean politely, it wasn't sarcasm or anything mean, he had a really kind spirit about him) reminded me that I couldn't get too caught up in the idea of having him and his time all to myself because there was someone else. As long as he was giving me the time I needed, there was no need to be greedy, lol. *laughing hysterically at someone actually saying that to my greedy ass* He said that part of successful polygamy was learning to know your place and stay in that role at all times, to not get caught up in what I wouldn't be getting but to revel in what I WOULD be getting....yeah. He said that. To me.
Yeah dawg, I'ma hit you right back.
*singing Prince's Beautiful Ones*
Confession: I still have Miami Sand
...in my bag. Its like I'm holding on to it on purpose. Am I fearful of letting my vacation go??
Ima need to work on that.
Ima need to work on that.
Confession: I could use this as another excuse
So, my apt complex just informed me that if I become a full time student--according to my credits--I will have to move. Are they serious? is it that they wanna hold me down (shakes fist in the air at The Man) or is it that I wasn't aware I lived in Gov't controlled housing and am now getting the squeeze of their limitations and not liking it?
I'm thinking...the latter. Am I ever gonna finish my degree? It kinda defeats the purpose of using it as a backup plan if you don't really ever have it *looks left/right*. Its not that I don't want to. I do. I really do. I've always wanted to complete my degree and pledge in an alumni chapter of my favorite sorority. It just doesn't look like it'll be any time soon, espECIALLY if i keep living here.
Sigh. I will finish. Soon.
I will.
I'm thinking...the latter. Am I ever gonna finish my degree? It kinda defeats the purpose of using it as a backup plan if you don't really ever have it *looks left/right*. Its not that I don't want to. I do. I really do. I've always wanted to complete my degree and pledge in an alumni chapter of my favorite sorority. It just doesn't look like it'll be any time soon, espECIALLY if i keep living here.
Sigh. I will finish. Soon.
I will.
happy new year!
this wont be a long post, i just wanted to stop in and say happy new year to everyone. For some reason, I'm really diligent with blogging when i'm...happy. But, when i have a lot of stuff going on emotionally--and subsequently have a lot of crap just sitting up in my brain that actually NEEDS to be released--I can't. It is SO WEIRD! Sometimes, i actually take out my little notepad and just write down things I want to blog about, just so it can stop swimming around in my head. For instance, my son's father's other son was taken by his mother just before Christmas...and hasn't returned yet. I have some strong thoughts on that, and it made me feel a certain kinda way because I love that little boy like he's my own...but I also have some feelings about that special visit from karma that my son's father received. Yet, I'm avoiding it.
I have some very special feelings about a certain photographer--TWO of them, actually--who is refusing to work with me again because of a misunderstanding that happened almost 4 months ago. And another photographer who shot my very first self-keyed photo shoot...and still has yet to return the photos, claiming that he "can't get to them because he's bogged down with paying gigs."
lately, I've had some feelings about the dynamics of some of my friendships and how they've changed, or are changing, and how it's affecting me, in positive and negative ways. And still, avoidance. And i have the time. I'm just not doing it. When I spoke to one of my girlfriends about it, she said that it happens to all of us. No real explanation for anyone, it just happens. But, if I want to be serious about blogging consistently, I just have to be disciplined. Make the time, and do it. Period.
Is it that I don't feel I have anything to say? DOUBT THAT. Is it that I'm afraid of being judged on what I think? Again, DOUBT IT. Perhaps its that I'm.....afraid of something? Not ready yet? LOL, I know this is such a mindless and useless ramble of a post, but please bear with me. Or, rather, maybe you wanna just skip this one. Cuz it doesn't get any better, lol. I have so much excitement for my upcoming year, more than ever. I'm turning 30 in 2 weeks, its a brand new year, i have A MILLION and 1 things going on so there's tons to talk about...so why am I so quiet? Maybe I'm just not ready to share. and yet, everyday, when I list all the blogs i've written in my mind over and over, I promise myself I will hop online and at least WRITE THEM DOWN even if I don't publish them just yet. but, no. nope. Nerp. I just think about them constantly, but never even get to it. On purpose.
Sigh.
WTF?
My bad for the mindless chatter...I at least wanted to post something, to remind myself that this blog still exists, lol. and that I have a responsibility to it, that I have dreams and goals for it, that I must attend to it as I would a child, or a pet, or a plant...so that it doesn't wither away and become one of those things I start but never finish. So, here's my post for today: I have no post.
Yes. Sometimes I am weird and random. We will learn to deal with it together.
:-)
I have some very special feelings about a certain photographer--TWO of them, actually--who is refusing to work with me again because of a misunderstanding that happened almost 4 months ago. And another photographer who shot my very first self-keyed photo shoot...and still has yet to return the photos, claiming that he "can't get to them because he's bogged down with paying gigs."
lately, I've had some feelings about the dynamics of some of my friendships and how they've changed, or are changing, and how it's affecting me, in positive and negative ways. And still, avoidance. And i have the time. I'm just not doing it. When I spoke to one of my girlfriends about it, she said that it happens to all of us. No real explanation for anyone, it just happens. But, if I want to be serious about blogging consistently, I just have to be disciplined. Make the time, and do it. Period.
Is it that I don't feel I have anything to say? DOUBT THAT. Is it that I'm afraid of being judged on what I think? Again, DOUBT IT. Perhaps its that I'm.....afraid of something? Not ready yet? LOL, I know this is such a mindless and useless ramble of a post, but please bear with me. Or, rather, maybe you wanna just skip this one. Cuz it doesn't get any better, lol. I have so much excitement for my upcoming year, more than ever. I'm turning 30 in 2 weeks, its a brand new year, i have A MILLION and 1 things going on so there's tons to talk about...so why am I so quiet? Maybe I'm just not ready to share. and yet, everyday, when I list all the blogs i've written in my mind over and over, I promise myself I will hop online and at least WRITE THEM DOWN even if I don't publish them just yet. but, no. nope. Nerp. I just think about them constantly, but never even get to it. On purpose.
Sigh.
WTF?
My bad for the mindless chatter...I at least wanted to post something, to remind myself that this blog still exists, lol. and that I have a responsibility to it, that I have dreams and goals for it, that I must attend to it as I would a child, or a pet, or a plant...so that it doesn't wither away and become one of those things I start but never finish. So, here's my post for today: I have no post.
Yes. Sometimes I am weird and random. We will learn to deal with it together.
:-)
Confession: My apt's rental office...
...is on my next to last nerve! Uggggghhhhhhh!
A little background:
Last month, knowing I was about to pay my final month's rent for last year's lease (June 2009-May 2010), I held off on paying the rent on the 1st because I'd been overpaying my rent by a dollar each month, and J**** (the then-manager) said that I should have a credit on my account because I'd overpaid by $1 each month. At the time, she was swamped and didn't have time to check for it. So, instead of me just subtracting that $12 from my rent check, I waited to confirm that with her or another manager. No one else in the office was ever available to confirm this info.
At some point between the time I spoke with J**** and the time i actually went in to pay the rent, J**** was FIRED. When I went in to pay, a LA (leasing agent) said that she had NO CLUE what J**** was talking about, and there was no credit. I mention to her that, clearly, she can see I've overpaid my rent by $1 each and every month so...where did that $12 go? "I'm not sure... but it's not here." Ok. Fine. So, how much is the rent? She says "$146." What? I'm sorry...what? In their system, they have my final month's rent as $146. Knowing this is clearly incorrect, I ask to have it investigated. After some searching, they discover that the PROPERTY MANAGER has applied someone else's rent check to my rental account. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat????!!!!!And you still have YOUR JOB???????? You playin with peoples' money like THAT?? IN THIS ECONOMY??!!!
So, at this point the correct rent is late, and has incurred a late fee. I paid the rent amount but wanted to wait and see if the credit would be found before paying the late fee. I was assured by the LA that she would check to see where the credit was and I could pay the late fee when I returned from vacation in a few days.
When I returned from vacation, not only was my credit still missing but my late fee (normally $50) was now $62. I'm sorry....wha? So, I went and got a money order for $50 and dropped it off. No one said anything else about it. It's important to mention that because my lease was ending, I was required to fill out a lease renewal packet which included a Student status verification form. When I turned in this packet--specifically this form explaining my full time student status-- I was told I would have to move because the property "doesn't allow full time students to live here." Again...I'm sorry...WHAT?
Luckily, before i even had time to panic, I found out from the school that all my classes had automatically been DROPPED anyway because my financial aid wasn't processed because I filled out the 10-11 school year form instead of the 09-10 school year form. Great. Just...great.
June 1st approaches and I hadn't heard from the office that my lease had been renewed and was ready to sign. So, I didn't pay the rent. June 2nd arrived. I called the office but the lease still wasn't ready. They were waiting on "official notification from the school" that I wasn't a full time student. I asked the new girl, J***** "if the new lease isn't ready to sign before the 5th and the rent isn't paid, will there be a late fee?" She put the phone down, asked the LA, I CLEARLY heard the LA say "no, she should be fine", and J***** repeated these words to me. So, I went on about my business.
TODAY, June 8th, i walk out of my apt and there's a notice to 'pay $1138 or vacate' stuck in my doorknocker. Ahahahahahahaha! What??!!! After taking yesterday off work to get over the last leg of my sinus infection and see a doctor, I am now late for work because I have to go to the rental office and sort this mess out.
I place the notice on her desk and say "what is this??" She says "Oh, have you paid your rent yet?"
"no, of course not. My lease isn't ready to be signed." "Oh, that doesn't matter. you still have to pay your rent." "Absolutely not! Why would I ever pay you a thousand dollars for an apt I haven't signed a lease for? It's still in renewal processing so if that doesn't go well, and I have to move out, I KNOW I won't get my money back!" She says "Well are you ready to sign it now?" *growl* "Yes, i am ready, you moron!. i've been waiting to hear back from YOU to let me know when it is ready! Weren't you waiting to hear back from the school??" "Well, you said you dropped all your classes, right? if you'll just sign here stating as much, you can sign your new lease." Really. Really? so, is this the "official notification" you've been waiting on from the school? *deep sigh*
I remind her that I should not have to pay a late fee for this month when I called and was told I wouldn't have to. I explained the day I called and spoke with J*** and what had been said. Since J**** was sitting right next to us, the LA asks J*** "do you remember this?" J**** remembers, and explains exactly what I'd already said, VERBATIM. the LA says "no, i don't remember that. I thought you were asking if you still had to pay your rent if your lease wasn't ready...and I said yes, you do still have to pay your rent."
Actually, NO. No you didn't think that...and no you didn't say that....because I didn't ask you that. My question was very very specific, and included nothing about paying rent without the lease being ready. I would never say that because I would never do that. I wouldn't ask a question about something that has no possibility of ever happening. Again, I would never ever EVER pay money for something I haven't signed for, NOT FOR THESE APARTMENTS, so I know for a fact I didn't ask about paying rent + late fees before signing a lease. So she claims she'll have to wait until the property manager comes in to discuss it with her, and see if she will remove the late fee. She can discuss whatever she'd like with whomever she'd like to discuss it with. *shrug* I'm paying $1,019 for my rent, and not a penny more. I asked her where the rest of that 1138 originated, and of course, she didn't know. She claims there's a 50 late fee for this month, and other fees she mumbled under her breath and punched into the calculator...but they only equaled up to $1076. Then why does the notice say 1138? There's an extra $62. Apparently, from last month. Because apparently, they have, again, lost another money order, the one i paid for last month's late fee.
I cannot get out of this apt FAST.ENOUGH.TO.SAVE.MY.OWN.LIFE.
A little background:
Last month, knowing I was about to pay my final month's rent for last year's lease (June 2009-May 2010), I held off on paying the rent on the 1st because I'd been overpaying my rent by a dollar each month, and J**** (the then-manager) said that I should have a credit on my account because I'd overpaid by $1 each month. At the time, she was swamped and didn't have time to check for it. So, instead of me just subtracting that $12 from my rent check, I waited to confirm that with her or another manager. No one else in the office was ever available to confirm this info.
At some point between the time I spoke with J**** and the time i actually went in to pay the rent, J**** was FIRED. When I went in to pay, a LA (leasing agent) said that she had NO CLUE what J**** was talking about, and there was no credit. I mention to her that, clearly, she can see I've overpaid my rent by $1 each and every month so...where did that $12 go? "I'm not sure... but it's not here." Ok. Fine. So, how much is the rent? She says "$146." What? I'm sorry...what? In their system, they have my final month's rent as $146. Knowing this is clearly incorrect, I ask to have it investigated. After some searching, they discover that the PROPERTY MANAGER has applied someone else's rent check to my rental account. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat????!!!!!
So, at this point the correct rent is late, and has incurred a late fee. I paid the rent amount but wanted to wait and see if the credit would be found before paying the late fee. I was assured by the LA that she would check to see where the credit was and I could pay the late fee when I returned from vacation in a few days.
When I returned from vacation, not only was my credit still missing but my late fee (normally $50) was now $62. I'm sorry....wha? So, I went and got a money order for $50 and dropped it off. No one said anything else about it. It's important to mention that because my lease was ending, I was required to fill out a lease renewal packet which included a Student status verification form. When I turned in this packet--specifically this form explaining my full time student status-- I was told I would have to move because the property "doesn't allow full time students to live here." Again...I'm sorry...WHAT?
Luckily, before i even had time to panic, I found out from the school that all my classes had automatically been DROPPED anyway because my financial aid wasn't processed because I filled out the 10-11 school year form instead of the 09-10 school year form. Great. Just...great.
June 1st approaches and I hadn't heard from the office that my lease had been renewed and was ready to sign. So, I didn't pay the rent. June 2nd arrived. I called the office but the lease still wasn't ready. They were waiting on "official notification from the school" that I wasn't a full time student. I asked the new girl, J***** "if the new lease isn't ready to sign before the 5th and the rent isn't paid, will there be a late fee?" She put the phone down, asked the LA, I CLEARLY heard the LA say "no, she should be fine", and J***** repeated these words to me. So, I went on about my business.
TODAY, June 8th, i walk out of my apt and there's a notice to 'pay $1138 or vacate' stuck in my doorknocker. Ahahahahahahaha! What??!!! After taking yesterday off work to get over the last leg of my sinus infection and see a doctor, I am now late for work because I have to go to the rental office and sort this mess out.
I place the notice on her desk and say "what is this??" She says "Oh, have you paid your rent yet?"
"no, of course not. My lease isn't ready to be signed." "Oh, that doesn't matter. you still have to pay your rent." "Absolutely not! Why would I ever pay you a thousand dollars for an apt I haven't signed a lease for? It's still in renewal processing so if that doesn't go well, and I have to move out, I KNOW I won't get my money back!" She says "Well are you ready to sign it now?" *growl* "Yes, i am ready, you moron!. i've been waiting to hear back from YOU to let me know when it is ready! Weren't you waiting to hear back from the school??" "Well, you said you dropped all your classes, right? if you'll just sign here stating as much, you can sign your new lease." Really. Really? so, is this the "official notification" you've been waiting on from the school? *deep sigh*
I remind her that I should not have to pay a late fee for this month when I called and was told I wouldn't have to. I explained the day I called and spoke with J*** and what had been said. Since J**** was sitting right next to us, the LA asks J*** "do you remember this?" J**** remembers, and explains exactly what I'd already said, VERBATIM. the LA says "no, i don't remember that. I thought you were asking if you still had to pay your rent if your lease wasn't ready...and I said yes, you do still have to pay your rent."
Actually, NO. No you didn't think that...and no you didn't say that....because I didn't ask you that. My question was very very specific, and included nothing about paying rent without the lease being ready. I would never say that because I would never do that. I wouldn't ask a question about something that has no possibility of ever happening. Again, I would never ever EVER pay money for something I haven't signed for, NOT FOR THESE APARTMENTS, so I know for a fact I didn't ask about paying rent + late fees before signing a lease. So she claims she'll have to wait until the property manager comes in to discuss it with her, and see if she will remove the late fee. She can discuss whatever she'd like with whomever she'd like to discuss it with. *shrug* I'm paying $1,019 for my rent, and not a penny more. I asked her where the rest of that 1138 originated, and of course, she didn't know. She claims there's a 50 late fee for this month, and other fees she mumbled under her breath and punched into the calculator...but they only equaled up to $1076. Then why does the notice say 1138? There's an extra $62. Apparently, from last month. Because apparently, they have, again, lost another money order, the one i paid for last month's late fee.
I cannot get out of this apt FAST.ENOUGH.TO.SAVE.MY.OWN.LIFE.
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