I don't believe in myself. Not enough anyway.
Maybe this isn't news for some of you, but for me, it's a shameful thing to realize. As much as I preach to folks about going hard, lol, maybe I was talking to myself the whole ENTIRE time. Hmph!
The convo started around makeup, of course, but quickly turned to a question of goals, values, and willingness to leave a comfort zone. I realized that me making a power move was really me running away from choosing an undiscovered path, figuring out what work needs to be done to walk down that path, and waking up and doing that work, steadily, consistently, and faithfully...every single day. My sister had suggested something similar to me about a week ago, but I didn't listen. I called her a dick and hung up on her. She was right...but she's still a dick. For completely unrelated reasons. Bitch.
The wedding and beauty industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. That's a fact. Part of those billions of dollars goes directly to wedding vendors, like caterers, florists, and yes, MAKEUP ARTISTS. There are easily hundreds of makeup artists and hair stylists who are making a baseline of $100K per year. EASILY. But they aren't doing it by bouncing around all over the place, not like I am anyway. They started somewhere, did what they could, and the more they did it, the better they got. Blah blah blah and years later, they're making $5000/face, per wedding. Obviously, that's not the case with me, but my point is that until it really sank in last night and then this morning when I woke up....the idea that that WILL be me one day was really just a pipe dream. Something I thought of in very abstract terms, like unicorns and The Universe. It's POSSIBLE, but I've never really lived it or seen it...so it's only really real when I feel like thinking of it as truth. Does that make sense? Probably not.
But, in layman's terms, I need to saddown somedamnwhere and do better. And I'm realizing that I've always needed to. Believing that that could be me, not just making the money, but making that kind of money doing something I absolutely LOVE, not just working a job and having something to complain about everyday? That's a completely foreign idea to me. I've been programmed to think that that doesn't happen in real life. I know where that programming comes from, but I need to undo it. I seriously need to go in deep and uproot that false belief, and replace it with some good shit. And THAT SHIT is scary! Because it means that I may have to start questioning EVERYTHING I thought I knew up to this point. Was I wrong about other things too?? Dear Gawd!
But before I start doin too damn much AGAIN, lol, let me just start with that one thing. I first have to stop thinking of being a makeup artist as 'a side thing', like bein a dope boy or screwing a ugly dude that I would never introduce to my friends. I *AM* a makeup artist, every second of every day, whether I'm working or not! And I happen to be ok at it. It allows me to do a BUNCH of other things that I love, namely working on movies and teaching people how to do something independently (when I give private lessons). It is, among other things, who I am FULL TIME, and I have to start thinking of it like that. It's going to take me where I need to go, and I have to learn to trust that and trust it faithfully. This is a huge leap of faith for me, and pardon me for being slow but, I'm just now realizing this. Now that I'm IN it, it's bringing up so many issues that I didn't even know I had. I thought it would be as easy as just showing up, doing the work, and collecting the money. *buzzer noise* Ehhhk! WRONG! Nope. It's both a passion and a business, and there are rules, but I have to/get to make them up. Sounds fun...until you realize how hard that is for someone who's only ever worked for other people their entire life. *bewildered eyes* But, Texas didn't happen. I still don't understand why, I'm just following where UniGod (for those of you who don't speak Dreanese, I have a friend named Drea who isn't religious but is very spiritual and, like me, doesn't separate God and The Universe. They are one and the same for us, so she calls it UniGod. Cute!) is leading me and, today, that is right here in front of my laptop, at my desk, alone with my thoughts and fears and talents and the few resources I have. Learning which habits I need to break and which beliefs to unseat, and which ones to pick up. Fighting to swim upstream against my fears.
There's a rush of noise coming from a critical voice in my head, blasting behind my eyes and in my ears, screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING! GO GET A JOB, MORON!" It sounds a LOT like my dad.
This past Monday, I was in the bathroom giving the puppy a bath, my dad was in the den next door. He picked up the phone to make a call and I heard him saying "hello? Hellllooo? May I speak to Eesa, please?" It was clearly the first time he'd called this number, like maybe he'd just gotten it last night. Because my dad is one of those annoying people who can't possibly talk on his phone quietly, everyone hears everything he says, and I KNOW he knows this. Whomever Eesa is, she came to the phone, remembered who he was, and they proceeded to chat. At one point, I'm sure she asked "What are you doin?", to which he responded (in the grossest phone bone voice I've ever heard) "Thinking about you." Super.Fuckin.Gag!!!!
He went on to spit some other lame ass, faux-smooth lines to her, at which point I think he heard me splashing around and fussing with the puppy in the tub, remembered I was right next door, and quickly got off the phone. My dad has been alive for 60 years, 38 of which he's spent married to my mom come November 2013. He has 4 children that don't belong to my mom, only 1 of which existed before he met her. I love him, in the only way I can, but I think its safe to say that my dad's voice is no longer the one I should be listening to, even when it screams in Autotune. I probably could've stopped listening sometime around April 1989.
Just in time for Father's Day,
Dear Dad:
I'm going to revamp my goals list to NOT reflect a move to Texas, get my plan together, and take a few more steps. That's all I can really do. And when a fear comes up, I'll counteract it by taking another step. For me, the only way to kill the fear is to smother it with progress. Its a day in, day out process which I hope to be brave enough to continue to share here on my blog. I'm taking several big steps today, so wish me luck!
I love you all!
BD
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