Sunday, November 30, 2014

A Blog Post about Vibrators

I have a friend who is in denial about her psuedo-relationship with a guy she met 7 years ago. According to her, they aren't 'together'. He lived in Boston for a really long time, she lived here in DC. They met online (i think that's how the story goes) and had one date, but on that one date they apparently made a lifelong soul tie. He admires her beauty and independence, she admires that he's a gorgeous Haitian neurosurgeon (Read that again: BRAIN SURGEON) and that that alone shits on all her other exes combined. This is a guy she loves more than any other in the world. The one all her friends -- myself included -- is aware that, if he calls while we're out and she was our designated ride for the night, we will definitely need to call a cab because she will peace out on our asses to run to his side. But she swears they're not together, they just share a great love affair that's flexible and everlasting.

Yeah. Aight.

One night after a movie and drinks at a sushi bar, my friend -- we'll call her Jane -- and her non-guy -- let's call him Bill -- head back to her place to cuddle and have non-awkward, undefined, psuedo-relationship sex. Jane is feeling especially frisky this evening and, during a rousing and surprisingly forceful game of reverse cowgirl and Smooth Operator (I may have made that up), backs it up so hard on Bill that his pillow falls to the floor, revealing her hidden vibrator. Bill is SHOCKED! Jane has a VIBRATOR??! But she's so cool and beautiful and independent! She's a Fly Girl! Whats she doing with a vibrator?? Vibrators are for ugly brawds! Suddenly Bill has so many questions! When did you start using a vibrator? What does it feel like? Do you put it inside?? Can we play with it?!

Jane is feelin' herself so after answering all his other questions, she agrees. Bill flips her onto her back and positions himself between her thighs. Jane's never seen Bill so excited and, in that moment, realizes what a huge nerd he probably was in high school. He probably wore suspenders and tape on his glasses, and rocked a Gumby long after the show went off the air. Bill definitely wore both straps on his backpack, just like this dork:

He was way too excited about that vibrator...

*side eyes of death*

Anyway, Jane and Bill are goin at it. I mean, they are GETTIN IT ALL THE WAY IN with this vibrator. Apparently Bill doesn't watch porn AT ALL because he's so intrigued by this vibrator that he gives it one good hard shove too many...and loses it. It's just...gone. Still vibrating. Inside of Jane. 


Oh to have been a fly on the wall in that bedroom. *sigh* Suddenly Jane is feeling super extra vibrate-y but she's so lost in sensation that she has no idea why it feels like there's a sidewalk construction site in her vagina. She looks down at Bill and immediately she panics from the looks on his face. Mr. Brain Surgeon's eyes are the size of the 00s in a homeless man's bank account. He has no idea what to do. He's just staring at the Pussy in awe of his own brilliance. Jane, on the other hand, is screaming "Get It outta Me, Get it Outta Me!!", clutching her labia like the last page of the last book of Game of Thrones. How in the hell did someone so smart just LET GO of a fully operational vibrator?! 

Bill: Calm down, Jane. I AM a doctor! I'll just dig it out!
Jane: *shrieking like a hyena* There's not a fucking brain in my pussy, BILL!!

*snickering* That's what HE said.

Between the laughing,  the SCREAMING, and the digging in (I hope he had a manicure. If not, EW), this had just become an episode of Alien: The ShapeShifting Vibrator. Every time Bill touched it, it moved further inside and to the left. Then to the right. When the base of it got lodged right on top of her G-Spot and Jane morphed from 'Wholesome Special Education Teacher' to 'Regan', she couldn't decide whether to be pissed off to the highest level of Pisstivity (#ThrowbackJoint) or if this was the funniest shit that had ever happened to her. 

Eventually Jane had to squat beside the bed and give birth to Little Vibey before the bed began to levitate and Boston lost itself it's best neurosurgeon. 

Moral of this story: If you're a nerd, stick to nerd shit. Porn, Vibrators, and the Dope Game are not for you.

And that's ok too.

1 comment:

  1. But poor young Dr. Granville didn’t know what his new job would entail. The bodily pressure was an excessive amount of, and persistent hand cramping (presumably the beginning of carpal tunnel syndrome) began to intervene together with his capacity to get ladies off.