I think I'm becoming more like my mother. And I am PISSED about it. When I was younger, I did very little with my mom. My parents are from rural NC and I spent every summer there with my grandparents. For many years, I was the only grandchild, so I was doted on beyond anything you can imagine. Things that i never got to do with my mom, my grandmother gladly did with me. My mother was too _______ (pick a word) to be bothered with me, but I never stopped wanting to spend time with her. As the years went by, my mother became increasingly more "tired"; too tired, in fact, to make the time to do anything in the form of real quality or valuable time. Often, I found myself a tag-along with my friends and their parents: roller skating, movies, barbecues, even family vacations and parties. My mother NEVER failed to remind me that I should stay home and "leave those people alone before I wear out my welcome because nobody wanted to deal with me", but they'd always ask me to accompany them and I always wanted to go. So, I did. At one point, though, my mother stopped giving me permission to go anywhere with my friends and their families, claiming I needed to stay home and read, color, or find something else productive to do within the confines of our home. When I would ask why, she never really gave an answer. However, when I'd ask her to join me in at-home activities, she was always too tired, too busy cleaning, or too busy reading. Now, as an adult, I watch my mother spend gobs of time with my younger sister, her favorite. The resentment and bitterness is, ahem, at times suffocating.
Now, as a mother, I find that I too am growing tired. I work full time job that I love but with co-workers that I despise and am the sole bread-winner for this household; I am studying to be certified as a professional organizer during the evenings and I do professional organizing gigs on spare weekends; I am also *as many of you know* an up-and-coming makeup artist locally--though still dreaming of reaching celebrity status daily--which means finding and taking affordable classes, keying shoots, and working fashion shows; I am gearing up to go to custody war with Isayah's father in the spring; I'm in my best friend's June wedding, for which I'm serving as the Maid of Honor AND the makeup artist for the Bridal Party...which includes planning and executing a flawless successful Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party for a very specific and detail oriented bride *GULP*...NONE of which I've ever planned or even BEEN TO (let alone IN)*double GULP*; I'm trying to teach myself to create boundaries for the people in my life so that I can have more time to breathe, including my ex-boyfriend who is now married and living overseas but there are still feelings for each other but we want to work past that and maintain the friendship that we love *hyperventilating*; I'm also in the process of trying to stay afloat financially on a not-so-great income and NO CHILD SUPPORT; I also have to remember that the key in my field of work is networking, advertising, and getting my name out there *wherever the hell "there" is* so I have to wear makeup generally everyday, even when I don't feel like it...who'll believe I'm a makeup artist if my face is always bare? I also have to keep Isayah abreast of sporting events (basketball, football, baseball, track, and camps) which mean uniforms, fees, and traveling to practice and games; his after school activities (dance and tae kwon do); church and family (Forestville, DC, and Richmond); and then I still have to find him a qualified mentor (I'll tell you all THAT story in a later post). Oh, and lets not forget about planning play dates and sleepovers.
On top of all of that, I still have to find time to do my own hair (DC rates for sew-in weaves are ABSURDLY high), get my nails done, meditate, read for work, read for my own pleasure, stay current and keep my skills sharp in both careers, argue with my dad about why I won't come home, collect tear sheets from different magazines each month for my inspiration book, stay on top of my yearly, quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily goals, make time to check in with both my mentors who hold me accountable for EVERYTHING, volunteer, STAY CELIBATE, buy clothes/groceries/shoes, beat the hell outta my 2 cats for chewing everything that's not nailed down and/or using the bathroom in random places in my apt and stinking up my place to all hell. And if I'm not dead after all that, I STILL have to keep the house clean. Oh, and blog.
I find myself telling Isayah that we'll do something "later" or "when I've rested" or "tomorrow". And I hate it. HATE.IT. www.itmakesmesick.com. I KNOW how disgusted I am with my mother for not even caring enough to make time for me-then AND now--and I refuse to do that to him. I try to make time for going to the movies, out to dinner, etc during the week after tae kwon do but before bedtime.
*I'm tired just typin about doing all that shit*.
Since taking on the role of being a full time parent, doing it by myself, my energy has takin a sharp dive southward. I've never been one to exercise or eat healthily; never felt the need. So i NEVER got that energy boost that most ppl claim to get. NOT.ONCE. When i do exercise, I always feel drained after. The first and only thing I ever wanna do after a workout is take a nap. So I'm wondering: where do other single parents get the energy, and how in the f*ck do they make it look so effortless? My Guru warned me about buying into how effortless and stress-free other ppl make their lives appear, lol. "They are JUST AS stressed as you, only about different things. Don't believe the hype. And don't put so much pressure on yourself to do 12 things at once. It may not be feasible to do it all. And that's okay." Uh, but it's not.
So, on days like today, when I only have the energy to blog and eat breakfast and watch a movie...am I being lazy or am I just tired? I think I've-officially-become perpetually tired. All the time. I don't think I've said the words "I'm just SOOOO tired" more at any time in my entire life. And I just turned 29. Yesterday, I went to get fitted for my MOH dress for the wedding, and when I walked out, I could barely see...I was in such a daze. I mean, I was so disoriented I was actually turning around in circles, unaware of which way to go. I did not know I'd gotten that BIG!! Seeing it in print...made it so...REAL. And the only thing I could think of was "how in the WORLD am I gonna find energy and time to exercise?? Food is my only comfort right now, I know I won't give it up. What am I gonna do????"
And before you start throwing advice and judgment my way, trust me, I already know most of what you're gonna say. Blah, Blah, Blah is what it's gonna sound like to me right now. Blogging, eating, and listening to music are the only things I find joy in these days. Oh, and this.
Today, while watching ATL during breakfast, I made a discovery. Watching the skating scene, seeing how much they enjoyed themselves, I was reminded of when I was younger and constantly bragged to my friends that i didn't need to try drugs or alcohol because i was high on life. Though my life wasn't a prison sentence, it wasn't all roses either. I made the best of what I had, and I always had big dreams. My dreams of having a better life sustained me, gave me an innate joy that I thought would never leave. One of T.I.'s lines was "My daddy always said 'dreaming is a luxury of children'. Now that I'm a man, I think he was right...."
Now that I"m a woman, I don't necessarily agree that I can't dream as an adult, but I do understand why most adults feel this way. I've lost that joy. I still have my dreams, and they're still big...but most days, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm too tired to remember why I'm doin all this. I mean, there's almost nothing I do that I enjoy. I need to go back and refer to my happy list. But, I'm afraid I threw it away a while ago, thinking I wouldn't have time to do anything on it anytime soon.
I don't know if there's a way to tell if I'm being lazy or if I'm just tired, but either way something's gotta give. My Guru thinks I may be headed for a heart attack, and has PROMISED (not threatened, but promised) to find whatever hospital I'm in and blacken both of my eyes if I drive myself to a heart attack or stroke. That's not cute. I'm too light-skinned and pretty to have black eyes :~((. I'ma do better....I'ma just have to get back to you on how.
Sigh.
I AM NOT becoming like my mother. I will figure something out. I will NOT become that lady who gives up her life to be a mother and only identifies as such, staying home night after night, no socializing, no friends, no fun, no joy. I'm going to stop it NOW. i will. i will. i just made the decision. take it to the bank.
Good afternoon to everyone. Remember to make today a beautiful day.
Love.
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