When Isayah's father came back into his life after being gone for 3 years, I was a nervous wreck. I was TERRIFIED how Isayah would receive him, and if it came down to it, how he would handle his father's rejection. As most little boys do, he worships and adores his father. I didn't (and don't) want to be one of those bitter single mothers who intentionally (or subconsciously) downs or tries to otherwise ruin his image of his father because of bad blood between us. Understanding that the two relationships are completely and TOTALLY separate and unrelated, I WANT him to love his father unconditionally and have a great relationship with him. Isayah deserves that. Lord knows he will have ample opportunity to despise his father on his own merit in the years to come, so I'm trying to--in my own way--help to preserve the last bit of untainted innocence and love that's left.
Initially, I only wanted to establish custody for my own parental protection. In the past, his father has done some incredibly shady and grimy things so I wanted to be sure that this time around, most of them wouldn't be possible. I needed the Fairfax County law on my side. Custody is now in place and I sleep much easier at night knowing that Isayah is safely asleep in his room just down the hall, where he should be. So, when it came time to discuss the issue of child support, I can admit that I trusted him based SOLELY on my old relationship with him...not the lying selfish person that he is now. Yup. I went for the old bait and switch.
A little bit of background info....
A few years ago, I moved back home to Richmond after a failed attempt to move to New York to began an acting career. His father insisted that isayah stay with him or face dire consequences. So, he stayed. I visited him every weekend and, after a year, Isayah came to visit for the summer. When his father showed no interest in coming back for him, I settled him into our home in Richmond. Months later, he came down to visit under the guise of a "back-to-school" visit...and left with him. Just disappeared, changed his number, everything. Once I finally caught up with them around Thanksgiving, I learned that his father had had other children, and I finally got to see Isayah around Christmas time. Shortly thereafter, i decided to move to Los Angeles for acting, and Isayah stayed with his father because, at the time, it seemed more stable. He was incarcerated soon after but instead of contacting me to come home, he left isayah with his grandmother. I didn't find out until almost a year later, at which point I moved back home of course. Isayah stayed with his grandmother for about another year while I got on my feet; I visited with him every weekend during that year. He never saw his father, didn't even know where he was, and had been told that his father was on "vacation".
Our son was still living with his grandmother, so naturally, I assumed that he was giving money to her. I mean, his grandmother, a 70-something retired woman on a fixed income, was basically raising our child. Why wouldn't he if he could? There were times during his incarceration when we talked and he would complain to me about how much money he was having to spend on his then-girlfriend and their daughter's expenses. Once I spoke to his grandmother and discovered that he wasn't in fact giving her a DIME, I went ballistic!! Wait....WHAT? Of course she didn't know that he was paying any money to anyone because she thought he had no money (i know). And he fully expected it to be okay that he complain about giving money to others when he wasnt giving anything for OUR SON???
hahahaha! NOT.
i hopped my lil happy ass right on over to the dept of social services to get THAT paperwork started. Even if he WAS incarcerated at the time, if he could pay for one, he can pay for the other. Ain't nobody tell him to spread his baby-making around all over the country and make so many kids he couldn't take care of. I would have been more understanding if he just COULDN'T do it at the time. But he somehow found a way to get money to his girlfriend for their daughter...and a few (yes, i said a few) of his other kids...yet not for our son who lived with his grandmother on a fixed income? I'm sorry...has the title "BooBoo the Fool" been stamped on our foreheads without my knowing it? Psssht.I felt completely horrible for his grandmother, who had become like family to me. How dare he??
Fast forward to post-custody hearings and the end of the summer. It appears that differences have been settled and we're co-parenting just fine. When we discussed child support, he asked that I not file anything official but just ask him for whatever I needed and he would provide it. Again, yes, I went for it (laughs). Eventually, the letter for him to show up for a court appearance for child support came and he called me incensed that I hadn't cancelled it from earlier. I called all around to get the case dismissed--according to our agreement--and a social worker practically begged me to not to close it for him. She advised that he would go back on his word and not pay...but i didn't listen and had it closed.
I swear it wasn't even 2 days later when I asked him for money for something and not only did I not get it, but I didn't hear from him for days. Apparently, i DO have BooBoo the Fool stamped around here somewhere. So, I re-apply for child support but *ahem* basically what they say is "we told you not to but you did...so now you owe us $25 for being stupid and re-opening the case." At the time I didn't even have $25 so I had to wait. Meanwhile, I'm still fighting with him about this and that until one day, during a conversation he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't appreciate the way our son is "acting like a faggot" and that i "need to check lil shawty". Wait...did you just call my son a faggot? I'm sorry...i didn't even hear the rest of what you said cuz I'm still stuck on the word "FAGGOT". Unfortunately, Isayah was with me at the time and I didnt' want to repeat what his father had said aloud so I really couldn't address it...which was good because there really wasn't a need to address it. I was done with him. Forever.
*BLINK, BLINK*
Click. Dial tone. That was the very last conversation, the very last words I've ever spoken to him, and the last that I ever plan to speak to him without a lawyer and a judge present. I know that he's spoken to his father since then but I have not. Not for any reason, even to ask for money.
Now, my confession is this: I have no idea whether or not I should reapply for child support, for several reasons:
1. I'm prideful and refuse to ask him for anything, especially knowing that I won't get it.
2. I don't even want Isayah to be around him, knowing how he feels about him.
3. I'm basically raising him alone anyway so why even bother if I know he won't pay?
4. Is a guy who doesn't have a legal job required to pay child support since he has no traceable income?
The strong independent woman in me wants to ignore it and just do it alone. But, that woman also knows that I didn't make this child alone and that there are laws that help to make it so that I don't have to. I can admit that it burns me up that he apparently gets to choose which of his children he supports...but then again, I'm not in his pockets or his business so I don't know what he does for the rest of them. I just know that he doesn't do SH*T for this one, not even visit with him, and something about that is patently NOT RIGHT.
I'm even thinking about cancelling Isayah's cell phone, but only because I don't think his father should get to call him whenever he wants laughing and joking like shit is cool when it's not. He's not helping to pay the phone bill, why should he get to call and talk for hours? My maturity level can't get past how petty that is, though, so I know i won't do it.
This past weekend, Isayah had a big football game that I invited everyone to. Initially, his father was slated not to come but he came at the last minute anyway. At the end, after his team won, his father stood posing with Isayah for pictures, smiling and whatnot. I was happy for Isayah because I knew what it meant for him to spend those moments with his father, basking in the afterglow of a big football win. But on the inside, I wanted to crack those cameras into pieces. What was he even doing here? And wtf was he posing and smilign for, like he had anything to do with that glory of that moment? Did he take him to practice each night? Was he there to see the disappointment of the games that were lost? Was he standing out in the heat watching scrimmages, or in the rain during the first game, or was he the one there to see the season opener that they eventually lost? I don't believe so. I WAS there--even with the damn flu--and I didn't see him so I think it's safe to say that he wasn't there. However, I realized that the moment wasn't about me, it was about Isayah. And he was happy, lol. He was ROLLING around in happy and I wouldn't have snatched that from him for anything, not even my issues with his father. But I couldn't help thinking "wow, is that you over there posing with the boy you called a faggot? Really? Is that you?"
Just to be clear: I don't personally need the money. Not for ME. I work 3 jobs to take care of my family and even when I come up short, I always find a way to get what I need. My concern is that if he's not gonna do for him, then he should just leave him the f alone. period. why do you get to choose not to help take care of him when sh*t is rough, but still get to enjoy the good times, like winning football games and laughing and joking about x-box games? Why? Why should I do all the work, and you come in and snatch all the credit when the work is done? It is impossible to see the fairness in that. Not the fairness just to me, but to Isayah too. We work HARD to keep this family afloat. I'm not the only one to take credit for that. Isayah and I work together; we are a team. NO ONE should get to take credit for that except us. P.E.R.I.O.D. Sure, its fine and good to invite others to celebrate with us because as a family, it is a team effort. Even his grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, EVERYONE...they all help in their own way, the ways that we ask them to. But those that don't help, shouldn't be able to come in when it's party time and partake of the riches made off the backs of those who put in. They just shouldn't.
I didn't ask his father for anything Isayah doesn't deserve and I expect him to get all that he needs. His father has made it impossible for that to happen, clearly. So, even if it doesn't work, I'm going to apply for the child support. Even if I don't get a dollar, I'm going to apply. I'm not asking for back child support for any time before this year. That's only fair. And that's all I want, what's fair. We tried doing it his way, and it didn't work. So, now it's time to do things the Virginia Department of Social Services Division of Child Support Enforcement way.
Hmph.
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