So, it’s the start of another fall. Another school year, another favorite season, another hectic football schedule. I’ve been thinking, though. Does it have to be so hectic? A lot has happened (and not happened) since last year. This year, I have a year of single parenthood under my belt. This year, Isayah's dad is home—though he’s not proving as helpful as we’d hoped. This year, I am closer to closure with my ex than I was this time LAST year. This year, I’m not quite so panicked about raising isayah alone. This year, though there’s a new school in the mix, I’m a bit more prepared for what to expect and how to handle it. This year, I know to pick my battles. This year, I have a job; THREE JOBS actually, lol. My makeup career (if you could call it that) is beginning to take off. I just signed on to be be part of a really great project in makeup, one that will be great for me, my career, and for its charity organization. This year, this moment actually, I feel as empowered as I’ve ever wanted to actually be. I feel I have passed that proverbial “crossroads” moment. I chose a path. There’s no going back from here on out. I know what I want, I know where I want to go, I know what I stand for. I stand for honesty, integrity, love, family, and justice. I believe in those things, even though some of them evade my grasp just now. They are still things I want and need in my life, and I know now that I’m not willing to settle for just any old thing in my quest for purpose fulfillment.
Last night, on brothers and sisters, nora said something—a quote—that really stuck with me. And I’ve been thinking about it all day.
“you can’t sit on your hands so other people will feel better about themselves. You won’t do anyone any good by pretending to be less than what you are.”
I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, but what it means for me is this: I don’t owe anyone else my greatness. No one has worked harder, prayed harder, or sacrificed more for my own greatness than I have. So, when the time comes that I may consider being in a relationship, taking a better job, living a better life, enjoying the fruits of my labor, or having the relationship with my son that I want…I’m not gonna dumb anything down, short change myself, or sit on my hands and wait for validation from ANYONE.
No.one.com
Not being with my ex for the reason that we finally broke up this last time (and yes, I know ive said that at LEAST 225 times, but this time really is the last time. And I’m okay with it now.) made it so clear to me. It was like the light bulb finally came on. That relationship was so wrong for me, but for (what are only now becoming) obvious reasons. It didn’t encourage me to be my best; it encouraged me to rely on someone else so that he could be HIS best…which dimmed my own strength and abilities. I AM smart, and strong, and capable, and I should not have to dumb anything down to get ahead. there are definitely times when I need help, but it shouldn't be that I'm always helpless so u can feel needed. That may work and be perfectly fine for someone else…but not for me. But in so many ways, that dynamic failed so much because I refused to dumb it down. I can't lie: it got reeeeal easy to be helpless after I got the hang of it. Having a safety net has a way of spoiling a girl rotten. And that is sad, and really unfortunate. And God/the Universe kept trying to get me to see that….but I was blinded by my own need for the last word. And I totally missed the boat on that one, lol. Gosh! How stupid it all feels now!! I’m almost shocked I’m still alive, lol. Its like wait…what? Did I really fight so hard for that all this time? Did I really? Was I really FIGHTING so hard to be part of something that actually DIDN’T validate or exalt me at ALL?? Something that asked of me to continuously boost someone else’s ego, their strength, their LIFE…under the guise of showing love and support…and each time I wasn’t able to do it successfully (and I shouldn’t have), I shouldered the guilt, took the blame, everything. How come I am JUST now seeing this???????????? Its almost laughable! In fact, it IS laughable. *chuckling*
Though I feel like im in denial saying so, now it is so clear that it really wasn’t me this whole time…it was him. It was never about me, or loving me, or needing me, or any of that. He needed someone to sit under his ego and be a jack, pushing it further and further up until it was impossible to see him anymore. All these years I refused to do that, but once I finally started, it was the beginning of the end. Jeez. Good job, BD. Oh well, now I know better than to do THAT again. I’m so glad this happened. I was in SUCH a huge rush to be in a relationship. But, it is avoiding me like the plague, lol. And thank goodness. I really do need this time to align all my thoughts with my actions. I’m so glad I didn’t rush into anything, especially with Derrick. I was so prepared to be his everything, not challenging him to give me all that I deserve. Hmph. Who did I think I was, settling like that? Definitely not my most shining moments, lol. Consider it a lesson learned. nobody else. Even if it feels sucky, I won’t continue to let these bitch ass niggas take me for a ride and sell me a damn dream. I know what I work for, I know what I’m worth, I know what I deserve…and it’s not bullshit.
I’m a good person, I’m a good girlfriend, I’m a good friend. I’m not perfect, but I do my best. And that’s good enough for me.
Its gonna be a good season :-)
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