It has been a loooooong time since I've posted about my misadventures on POF! I'm so sorry for the delay; I think I had to put POF on the back burner because it was too out of control and I couldn't deal.
Anyway, here's the update:
As most of you know, I met a guy who I'll call *Brandon a few months back. He seemed very cool initially. Open, funny, graduated from VA State University (which should've been my first red flag, but I digress), and owned his own home here in DC. We spent hours and hours just talking and getting to know one another and I found that I thoroughly enjoyed his conversation. He has kids (a girl, and a boy who actually isn't his but his ex's that he voluntarily raises as his own though they are no longer together.) so we ended up sharing alot of our parenting woes and joys during our talks. When it came time to meet, I was very nervous, thinking perhaps he'd tricked me, and would look nothing like his picture. He actually looked exactly like his picture, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. After a few weeks, some things began to feel..."off" about Brandon. I would notice inconsistencies in some of the stories he'd tell me, or he'd make plans, then break them, though the plans were his idea. When I'd ask him about this, he'd say things like "Yeah, I'm a big ball of contradictions most of the time...you just never know with me." Wait...What? What bothered me was that he seemed proud of it. Like....being a constant contradiction was an asset. *blinks* Ooook. Whatever.
One random Sunday he called, very upset that his son had chipped his tooth during a game of basketball. his FRONT tooth. He seemed INCREDIBLY embarrassed about it, and couldn't wait to get to the dentist the next day to get it repaired. He ended up coming over later that evening and it didn't look so bad.
After the dentist's visit, he was told he couldn't simply get the tooth repaired but would need an implant (which means the entire tooth would have to be pulled). However, the implant couldn't be performed for another 5-6 days so he'd have to walk around missing that tooth for a while. He threw a damn tantrum about that hole every.single.day and I too couldn't wait for him to have the surgery. The day of the surgery arrived and after a bunch of long conversations with the dentist, he ended up not getting the implant. They were making him wait longer....and he was PISSED. I was too because I thought "wait...am I still expected to go out with him with his teeth looking like that??" *blink. blink* http://www.notagoodlook.com/
So, instead of going out, I invited him over for dinner and a movie a few nights later. LOL, I seriously made him sit and watch The Notebook (loves it!) and at the end, i could tell his punk ass was tearing up and trying to hold it back. I clowned him MERCILESSLY about that isht! After the movie, we sat on the couch and talked and eventually, we kissed. He wasn't a bad kisser at all. At some point, I got up to go to my bedroom, and after a few minutes, he followed me in (but to his credit, he did yell for permission to enter before he came in). So, we're sitting on the bed, and there's more kissing...and he tries to lean me back...and I wasn't goin for it. We both kinda laughed about it, and got up to go back into the living room. (For whatever stupid reason that escapes my memory at the moment) I clicked the light off in the bedroom as we exited, but turned the corner to grab a blanket and a scarf from my linen closet ...and as I stroll past the bedroom door again....I see his shadow, standing just inside the bedroom door. But he wasn't saying anything. He was just standing there...verrrrry very still...and he was doing something with his hand. (I'm cracking up as I recount this story, but at the time, I was H.E.A.T.E.D)
I say "uh, Brandon...?WTF are you doing? And why aren't you saying anything??" He says "Man, A, you got me so turned on...those lips...mmm...I gotta take care of myself before I explode...*grunt/moan*" (I don't know why but I am CRACKING UP at this now. It's really not funny, cuz dude could've really been psychotic and dangerous and it would've been all my fault. I think it's just the grossness of the fact that this actually happened to me, IN REAL LIFE.)
He is actually, TRULY, in REAL LIFE, standing in my bedroom, in the dark, stroking himself. Without a word.
Really? Really, Sir? I have no words.
The closest thing that I could grab in the dark was, like, a shoe, and a clothes hanger. And it was with those two items that I tried to decapitate and maim him, all the way to and out of my front door. Oddly, though, that wasn't my first response. Initially, I thought "if this were an episode of CSI/Criminal Minds/The Craigslist Killer, what could I do differently than the bitch that gets murked at the end?" So, I backed out of the room very slowly at first, speaking in hushed tones until he was out in the living room and close to the door. And THEN I tried to decapitate him. There was a lot of screaming and cursing and swinging. And apologizing (on his part).
The crazy, weird thing was that I didn't feel threatened or in danger...just creeped out that he felt _________ (whatever it was he felt) enough to do something so intimate and personal, so randomly, IN MY BEDROOM IN THE DARK. it was so gross. I can laugh about it now, but its still really creepy.
I didn't talk to him for a long time after that. He called but I didn't answer. Then, one day he called and left a vm saying that he needed to talk to me, that it was important. So, I called back. He asked if we could meet (in a public place) to talk. After much persuasion, I agreed. It was so awkward and uncomfortable being around him again. And at that point, I was so not into him anymore that I immediately noticed things about him that I'd probably overlooked before. Like how his stomach hung over his belt when he walked. Like how dirty his finger nails are AND how they're all long, like a pimp's pinky nail. We ended up going to brunch, and he explained to me that his mom had just been (basically) evicted from her condo. Her landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage and the condo had gone into foreclosure but the landlord hadn't said a WORD. His mom found out about it 2 days prior because a potential buyer had come by to view the condo...just showed up at the door like "yeah, uh, I'm here to see the space and measure it for my furniture..." and his mother was like "uh, What the hell are you talking about?" *Can you imagine???*
He was so upset for his mom, but more for himself because his mother was moving in with him now that she had no place to live. Though he was a dick, I did feel bad for him so I chose not to bring up the trifling isht he'd done last I saw him. I listened, I did my best to sympathize, and we left. The ride home was excruciating. Tension, awkwardness, discomfort. So, to cut it, he began talking. WRONG MOVE. As he spoke, I turned to look at him...and thats when I noticed that he had a rotten tooth on the side of his mouth. I stared straight into it, transfixed; I just couldn't look away. I was undone. Wait...I'm sorry...do you have the NERVE to have rotten teeth ON TOP OF missing a front tooth, Sir? If we were not on 495 and so far from my house on a Sunday when I KNEW no one else would get up to come get me, I'd have bailed out of that Navigator while it was still moving. STRAIGHT tuck and roll. How had I missed all these things about him??? WTF was wrong with me for all those months?? Once we reached my apt, I was so disgusted I could barely even look at him to say goodbye. So I gave that fool a head nod, grabbed my bag and umbrella, and took that long walk back up the hill to my apt. Never again will I agree to meet a guy from POF without seeing pics of him smiling, with ALL his teeth showing, doing a full background check for signs of sexual deviance, and a full neuro scan.
Sigh. That was a bad Sunday. :-(
*Just in case you didn't know, Brandon is not his real name and I changed it to protect his privacy...though I'd like to use his real name to protect some other sister from being subjected to his yuckmouth ass since he clearly doesn't list "poor oral hygiene" on his POF profile.
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