Everything I Doooo...

*singing* I dooo it for youuuuu....

For the past few days, I've been really, well, uninspired. Usually whenever I'm feeling blah or unmotivated, it's because I'm really stressed out about something: work, money, Isayah, love, money, school, makeup, money....you know, the usuals. So yesterday when I found myself kinda drifting off into strange clouds, the first thing I thought was "Oooo, what's bothering me?? What's stressing me??" But there was...nothing. I just had a great birthday, school is TOUGH but I'm doing well (I'm really making an effort to stay on top of everything. 5 classes ONLINE--3 12-week, 1 8-week, and 1 16-week course--is A LOT), I've been drinking water a lot more so I'm dropping weight by the week, I'm feeling less and less lonely, not even really thinking about dating, and I'm really making peace with my parental situation (as much as can be expected).

So, what's missing?

I thought about it all day yesterday and today and I realized: I don't have anything that's just for me.
Everything I do has a bottom line. Makeup...is work. Editing...work. Writing....work. School...is for school right now, technically, but eventually, that'll be for work too. Even organizing when I'm at my parents' is for them, not me. There's almost nothing that I do for the simple pleasure of doing it, except eating. That is the one thing that I do constantly, just because of how good it makes me feel. Which, depending on who you ask, isn't exactly the move.

What do you have that's just for you?

Do you read? Write? Sing? Volunteer? Paint your nails? Play dress up and take pictures of yourself? *gasp!* Maybe you put flowers in your hair and sing into a hairbrush in the mirror like Anna Mae did in the bathroom scene of "What's love Got to Do With It"??! No? You sure?? Hmph.

Well don't feel bad, neither do I. I can't tell you the last time I read a book just because I felt like reading a good book. Most of the books I've made time to read have been textbooks or self-help books. Yeah. I know. *deep sigh* I always fantasize about dancing, but I never do it consistently. I'll take a few classes here and there but something always interferes and I don't go back. It seems so easy to just say "well, silly, go dance then!" But, uh, no. I think subconsciously I would feel too guilty for doing something enjoyable when I'm not even working full time. Its the idea of work hard first, play hard later but you shouldn't play if you're not working, right? IDK where that idea comes from but it's something I've always had.

Now that I'm a full time student and have less financial responsibilities (read that carefully: LESS, not NO), I'm freelancing part time and have a lot of free time some time on my hands. When I'm not doing school work--which I do for about 8-9 hours a day--I do actually have the option of doing something I'd enjoy. And I gotta tell y'all, I have NO IDEA what to do with myself. My girlfriend told me that this is my time to heal from the trauma of the past year, and to do some soul searching. She said it's clear that its just time for me to just...be. Be still. Be whatever it is that I am today. Do nothing more than I'm already doing. but that just seems so...lazy. Idle. Unambitious. I feel a self-imposed guilt trip right in my very near future.....

Last year was a doozy. School was tough, I lost my apartment to bed bugs, I lost two people whom I called friends, I found a great job and later lost that too. Losing Isayah (LOL) the way I did was extremely traumatic. I had my heart broken. A lot. By a man, by a woman, by some friends, by Isayah. At the end of last year/beginning of January this year, I felt (and looked) very much like Nala after Simba pushed her in the water on The Lion King; something along the lines of this:

Yep. That was me the first week of January. So much loss, so much pain, so clueless about how to repair everything that was broken.

Can I just say LE SIGH. Soul searching sounds so...quiet...and...like it's gonna hurt. Do i really have to do all this digging to find inspiration? To find my mojo? To find something that's just for me? Really?

Ugh.

Well FINE.

Hmph.

Now...about this soul searching business. Where to even start? What do you guys do when you search your soul? What EXACTLY are you looking for when you strap on your lighted hard hats, fashionable Chanel goggles, and pink polka dot all-weather boots?


Help a Sista out.