Every year around January 1, I start planning my birthday celebration. While others are trying to figure out how they'll trick themselves into believing they'll last more than 17 days on New Year's Resolutions, I'm searching retail sites, pouring over restaurant menus and Yelp reviews, and grinding my teeth in utter frustration at the STILL RAMPANT lack of killer stilettos in sold in wide widths. And, as many of you know, I also spend that time scouring hair sites to score some flawless birthday hair that I can swing like a drag queen at a Cher concert. Yes Gawd!! I send out emails, make phone calls, make reservations, and do my best to quiet that small churning in the pit of my stomach that always inevitably surfaces around birthday planning time. Would anyone show up?
See, I'm one of those that used to thrive on the approval of others--sad but true. I'm not 'shamed to tell you--and I secretly used my birthday as the day of obligatory approval and kindness. This is a day when everyone has to be nice to me. LOL! (of course, now, I know better than to think that but for a long time I did) And because I used to call a LOT of toxic people 'friend', that was the one day when, even if your level of emotional toxicity was higher than Keyshia Cole's mama Frankie, I could expect at least a kind word or two on my birthday. They HAD to approve of everything I did and give me what I wanted. So, I'd make all these plans, make a huge fuss about the partying we would all do, and set myself up to receive all the happy birthday wishes and the--again--obligatory kindness and niceties that I just KNEW would be flowing like Rose' on my birthday. Annnnd, no. Just no. Sometimes, yeah...but for the most part? Naw. Didn't go down that way.
I never had birthday parties as a child, and if I did have one, I certainly don't remember it. No one made a big deal about birthdays around my house, so I always had to overcompensate and remind myself how special I was on my birthday. There's nothing worse for a little girl than to wake up on birthday morning and discover that her Daddy doesn't even know why today is supposed to be special...for EVERYONE. So, I made it my personal mission to make sure to remind everyone in the most subtle (read: passive aggressive) ways I could that my birthday is on the horizon. Especially my dad. LOL! My close friends would do nice things and none of my friends ever forgot my birthday, which made me very very happy. But, I didn't get my first birthday cake until i turned 24 (Thanks Reina!) or have my first party til I turned 25. I spent most of the birthdays of my early 20's with my son's father and the most we ever did was go out to dinner and a movie. I wasn't ready to admit it at the time, but my secret wish was for everyone that I loved to care enough to come together--on their own--and celebrate my birthday; I needed it to be as special to them as it was to me. Unfortunately, back then, I kept alot of my personal relationships compartmentalized so I had, like, 4 separate groups of friends, who were ALL kept separate from the people I dated. How in the world I ever thought they would come together is beyond me. *smh*
Anyway, as I said, as I got older, I would make plans and invite folks to come out and celebrate with me. And everyone would completely validate me and say 'yeah, girl, we comin'! We gon' do it up!!" but then on the day of...'oooh, girl, sorry. Something came up last minute. Not gonna make it." or "Sorry, I gotta work" or the now-famous "Alandria! It's too COLD to do any partying this time of year!! But happy birthday, though!" It didn't help that, for the past 3 or 4 years, Mother Nature has seen fit to sprinkle cold white fairy dust all over the DC metro area in January and February. It also doesn't help that, from the moment i discovered what the NFL actually was, the SuperBowl is ALWAYS my birthday's direct competition for attention. My birthday weekend is ALWAYS the same as super bowl weekend (in 2006, they were the same day). I was so damn happy that my ex, Christian, wasn't into football I didn't know what to do! After spending most of my early years with a guy who was DEDICATED to the sport of football in so many ways, and having to share the air of celebration which I thought should've been dedicated to my birthday (hmmm, attention whore much, Alandria?) with the second most important day of the entire football season (the first being NFL Draft Day), I longed for someone who wouldn't schedule my birthday weekend plans around "anytime before Sunday at 6pm".
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Each year since I turned 26 (a birthday I spent in LA auditioning to be an extra in the movie Dreamgirls) I've had less and less people show up for my birthday celebration. Last year was so pitiful, I wanted to escape into the bathroom and just cry my eyes out. Or, a friend from one group wouldn't show up because they knew someone from another of my group of friends would be there.. THAT'S how I came to the decision to celebrate my birthday all month long. LOL! I'd love to tell you that I, genius that I am, brainstormed the coolest of all cool ideas--that is, to celebrate my birthday for the entire month instead of just that one day--because i'm just, well, a genius. MmmmNo. Because all my relationships were so compartmentalized, none of my friends or boyfriends really liked to share party time with me. So, i spent my birthday DAY by myself, the night with whoever my boyfriend was at that time (gotta get that 'Don't Ever Let Yo Mama Find Out You Did That Nasty Sh*t birthday sex in chile. Betch, you BETTA get it in!), and over the course of the 4 weekends in February, celebrating with my friends and family....separately.
The one time that came close was my 28th birthday. A childhood friend had said that she really wanted to spend my birthday with me. Ok, cool. We'd been out of touch for a long time because she still lived in Richmond, and I didn't visit much. I had already planned this party, ordered a dress, and sent out the invites so I invited her to come stay for the weekend. And so began the nightmare.
The night before, my hair appointment was cancelled. I received an email that my party dress could NOT be delivered on time, as promised by Nordstrom. I don't remember what happened to the shoes I'd planned to wear, but I suddenly couldn't wear them and now needed to find new shoes...for a dress that I wasn't even sure would arrive in time for my dinner party. Le sigh. My rescheduled-for-early-the-next-morning hair appointment, the stylist left me hanging so I would have to do my own SEW-IN weave MYSELF, that day. My friend arrived the next morning at which point i informed her that we would need to do all this last minute running around. she seemed okay with it and I thought 'hey, this'll be a great time for us to catch up before the party.'
Fast forward to 4pm. We've spent the entire morning talking and laughing. The dress arrived just after 10am (thank God!) and we spent the day combing Pentagon City mall looking for shoes. Every shoe store this side of the MD state line, we tried it. But my Fred Flintstones--my affectionately named size 10W feet--simply didn't agree with any of the shoes we tried on. Not a single pair. She was tired and cranky, I was panicking and frustrated. But I kept thinking 'this is my birthday dammit! I'ma make this shit special if it kills me!!' (LOL!) My reluctance to leave the mall without even a 'maybe' pair of shoes kept us there way too long and, on the way home, we had to stop at Marshalls to use the restroom. On our way out, I just happened to swing by the shoe section and, lo and behold, I found them. I found my birthday shoes hiding in the size 7 section behind some ugly black kitten-heeled granny boots. AND they were only $39.99! #score! I tried them on and instantly that they wouldn't last the whole night without torturing my feet, but they would have to do. She was whining about missing her nap time, we were both hungry, I STILL had to do my hair, and I was getting emails and phone calls left and right from folks asking for last minute party details, or cancelling. I could tell that she wasn't used to my particular brand of chaos and drama, and that she may be feeling a bit perturbed. I, on the other hand, was completely in my element. I finally finished my hair, called the cab, and began to dress. As we were finishing up, she noticed a Vaseline stain on her dress (she uses it as her body moisturizer) and immediately flew into a raging panic. Of course, the stain showed up brightly on her bright green dress so, reluctantly, she threw on a blazer to cover it. That stain would be the stain that would ruin my birthday party.
The reservations were for 8pm...but the cab didn't show up until 8:15. I changed the reservations to 8:45. We arrived just after 9, and I think only 1 other person from our party was there. I'd invited at least 15 people but, as we waited for our table, one by one they began emailing or texting to cancel. The restaurant refused to seat us until at least half of our party arrived, so I had to keep changing the number of folks expected in our party. 15 became 12 became 10 became 6. Finally, one other person called to say she was right around the corner looking for parking, so they seated us. She never showed; I guess she never found parking. Reina was having trouble with her debit card working at an ATM so she arrived really late, which I didn't care about, but for a second, I thought she wouldn't make it either.
There ended up being 4 of us total. While waiting for Reina to arrive, we ordered drinks. She arrived just before the drinks did and, as the waiter listened to her drink order, he was also setting my friend's drink down in front of her. At the very same moment, Jesus decided that this particular birthday would not only serve as a time of celebration, but a time of endurance also. The waiter mistakenly set the glass down on the edge of her plate and, unsteady, it fell right on over. In her lap. All over her green dress. Yep, that same one with the Vaseline stain that she'd JUST finished being salty about. i thought we would have to restrain her from knocking him the hell out. She kept mumbling to herself "dont punch him, don't punch him, don't punch him...". We all got that she was blown about the dress, but it was a martini: nothing but Vodka. As soon as it dried, she'd be back in business cuz it would dry clear! But nope. She sat in that seat, scowling, wet and salty until her dress dried; then she was dry and salty. And still scowling. She didn't speak to any of us, she didn't dance, she didn't smile. She looked around at everything but us. At one point, she turned her back on the table to watch the people on the dance floor, refusing to speak. The other girls at the table were texting me discreetly, asking what her problem was. When I asked her, she lamented about the stain and then the drink and said she was ready to go. Now. I told her that, of course, I couldn't leave my own party but she wasn't hearing it. She was ret ta GO.
I was so upset, but refused to show it. I was appreciative that the few that had made it out, had taken the time to do so when so many others had flaked out on me, and I refused to let that be in vain by pouting over someone else's bad attitude. I couldn't believe she was being such an ass on my birthday. Didn't she know my birthday was all about ME, not HER??!! Hmph! The NERVE.
2009 was a hard year for me, and so was my 29th birthday. The year I turned 30, 2010, DC was covered in a blizzard the entire month of January and I knew there was no way anyone would come out to do anything for my birthday. By this time, i had a few new friends. One of my best friends' birthday is exactly 2 weeks after mine so she understood my pain when it came to birthdays. The snow was entirely too high to go out and do much on the day of my 30th birthday so I spent half of it at work, and the other half at home, thanking the Lord that I'd made it to see 30. There's something about turning 30 that changes your perspective. It was a milestone for sure. The next night, we were both drowning in cabin fever so as soon as the roads were clear, she called me with the escape plan. We partied SO HARD that night! And I partied with my other friends again that weekend! Totally unplanned and totally what a 30th birthday should be like.
Last year...eh, fuggedaboudit. Only 1 person showed up for my actual party. LOL! Bless her heart. She was one of the few who had always shown up for my birthday, and I will always be grateful to her for that. We don't speak anymore so I am pretty sure I won't spend anymore birthdays with her.
This year, I deliberately said I'm not planning anything. It's caused me a small amount of anxiety, lol, but i refuse. I didn't pick out or order a dress, no shoes, no reservations, nothing. I did do my hair, but that's about it. I told my best friend she could decide everything, all I would do is show up. I didn't invite anyone else. We have the most fun when we're out together anyway so *shrug* it makes sense. Errybody know how I love to eat (lol, shuddup) so I knew we would go to dinner somewhere but besides that, it's wide open. As long as there's music, and laughter, and cute guys (werk!) I don't even care what we do.
My dad forgot about my birthday again. *smh* *chuckling* If I don't accomplish anything else this year, I will learn acceptance. it is the only thing I wish for and resolve to do. I will learn to accept myself, to accept others, and to allow others to accept me as I am, right where I stand. So, it's okay that my dad forgot my birthday; he still loves me and he shows me every day in his own...twisted and dysfunctional...sorta way. That's just who he is, he forgets everyone's birthday. LOL. And that's alright too.
I told a friend this morning "I would've liked to not be short on cash on my birthday, but what I lack in cash today, God has made up for in love and support. I'm girded and surrounded by people who love me, are kind and patient with me, support me in word and in deed, and I have all I need and most of what I want so I dare not complain. I have less material wealth today than I think I ever did, and this is turning out to be my happiest of birthdays. God is so good, even when I didn't know how He would use a tragic situation and use it towards my future good." <---------- that's a true story.
Anyways, I can't WAIT to show you guys pictures of the foolishness we get into tonight! I'm interested to see what I come up with to wear but I already know it's gon' be a BURNA! The weather has been nice all week--unseasonably warm--most of my homework is done already, and I'm headed into a great birthday weekend with some folks who are really making the fuss over me that I've always wanted. Funny how that didn't happen until I stopped needing it. :-)
I will see you all on the other side of 32!
BeautifulDae <3
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