cleanse, day 3

First work day on the Master Cleanse. Nothing went as planned today. Monday's are usually busy; today, nope. The office was supposed to be empty this week; today, nope, they're here. I switched from apple juice to pineapple juice, which is my favorite juice, so I'd expected to have a better flavor experience with the absorber; NOPE. Day 3 should be called NAUSEA day. I have been nauseated since I woke up this morning, and I didn't do anything different. Actually, no, that's a lie. Terrance and I had a small "disagreement" last night, i stayed up late talking to him, and i got stressed and ate a kitkat. *hangin my head in shame* I know, i blew it. no excuses, i just blew it. Anyway, today i'm definitely paying for it. No movement, just constipation. And nausea. and hunger. and more nausea. today it was 105 degrees outside so needless to say, i stayed inside most of the day....which meant i was freezing all day because my co-workers refuse to turn the A/C off. Today was also the day when the absorber didn't do enough to fill me up and I still felt hungry all day. Since vegetable broth is one of the liquids i'm allowed, i went to Quiznos and bought some chicken noodle soup. I only ate the broth and the little pieces of celery and carrots. The nausea and the headaches (which, on the websites, are referred to as "superficial reactions") were just too much today. My eyes were all sensitive to light, i couldn't hear properly. It was a mess. But more than that, i noticed that all movements stopped again. And I ran out of juice to take my absorber with so I'm starving...but i'm avoiding leaving work (i'm still here, blogging) because i don't yet trust myself to go straight home and just take my absorber. I"m hungry, and the absorber has begun to make me gag. i think it's because once yesterday, just before I took the last sip, I forgot to shake the jar again before I drank, so the powder had accumulated at the bottom of the jar and thickened...so that's how it went into my mouth...and i gagged. Since then, the same thing, but since i know it's totally mental, I try to override it by using extra juice for dilution and closing my eyes and nose while i drink it.

It is currently 9:48pm and I am still at work, blogging. I needed to catch up on blogs anyway, but I'll have to leave and face my fears eventually. I called my sister and confessed to her that I wanted to eat. She was very encouraging, and reminded me that I'm not a quitter, and that I should finish what I started. ESPECIALLY since I'm on Day 3 and it's almost over. I only have two more days to go. Lawd, give me strength. I'm so glad Isayah's with his dad this week cuz i couldn't take all of that at one time. I haven't taken an absorber or had anything to drink since 3:45, an hour late to boot. that was 6 hours ago. I can't believe I'm being such a punk, lol, but, its very serious for me. I feel about food the way crackheads feel about crack; its an addiction. Its not just about "oh, i love to eat too. so? doesn't everyone?". Nah, I have an emotional addiction to eating that I am aware of, and want to change before it ruins my life. And this is one of the first steps I've chosen towards that end. So, even though I live around the corner, I know---because i know me---that its so easy to say i'ma just hop in the car and drive home in the next 3 minutes...when in fact, as soon as I leave this building, my mind will begin to run down the list of all the eating places within a mile's radius, what time they close, what i can order this late at night, how much it costs, and what excuse I can use for going there. I also know that, because I'm starving right now *literally*, it wouldn't just be a meal. it'd be a complete and all out binge, and I'd order and purchase an obscene amount of food, eat it all when I get in the car, and it'll be gone before i make it to the apt. And then I'll get sick, and if not damage my stomach physically, the damage to my self-esteem from the guilt and shame of giving up and giving in might be more than a mere colon cleansing could repair. So, this is why it's 9:58 and I'm still at work, on a Monday night. Today is one of those days my pastor talks about all the time. He says that demons lurk outside church doors to attack you as soon as you leave so that before you even make it back to the car, you are just as you were before you came in.

yes, I have issues. I'm aware of them. I'm dealing with it.

But y'all, I'm so determined to defeat this demon. I will do it. And today, my tool of choice is blogging. My music is playing, my arms and fingers are cramped, its still cold cuz i haven't adjusted the A/C, and for the last time tonight, I'm hungry. So, if this blog keeps me here, and not eating, then so be it. My mouth is ridiculously dry, and my teeth are grinding like crazy. The intensity and concentration right now, is --wait, is that thunder?? What is that rumbling? Wait...is the door creaking? hold up...Ok. it's gone. Whew...I couldn't tell if that was someone walking upstairs or thunder, lol. it was bout to be real empty in here because I was about to get GHOST...y'all know black people are the first to go in scary movie scenes. Dont play NO games. Hmph.

Anyway, now that I have put my business ALL out on front street, i feel like I'm a little more accountable for what i do when i leave; thus, I feel more prepared to resist the pull when i leave the building.

Day 3 started out not so great, but I'm still swinging above ground, so it finishes out pretty okay.