pre-cleanse

Ok, here goes:

Pre-Cleanse, Day 1:

The idea is to get your *triple gag* bowels moving, and prepared for the huge amount of elimination that's about to take place in the next couple of days. The kit provides "Digestive Stimulators" to this effect. They are the size of HORSE PILLS, just so we're clear. I could be exaggerating for dramatic effect, but to me, they were horse pills. Anyway, I was instructed to study the Digestive Stimulator Dosage chart, match my normal level of regularity with the amount of stimulators listed, and take that amount. Mine was 2, thank GOD. I had to take two of these before bed, with the desired result being 3-4 soft movements the next day. Once things get moving, I was to take 1 Toxin Absorber with apple juice before my last meal of the day. The toxin absorber is just as it sounds: basically, finely ground Psyllium husk that goes inside your colon and binds to the mucoid plaque that's attached itself to the lining of your colon/intestines.

That first day of pre-cleanse, I had to eat only 3/4 of what I would normally eat in a day. So, for breakfast, I'd normally have 2 scrambled eggs with sharp cheddar cheese, 2 pieces of smoked sausage or 3 slices of bacon, 2 pieces of toast with Smart Balance, and either grits or 3 pancakes. (I shudder to think, now, of eating all that food. I'm *literally* gagging just thinking about it.) For breakfast that morning, I had 2 pieces of toast with Smart Balance and strawberry jam, and an apple. And that was breakfast. For a snack (which it's important to note that I never usually do, eat snacks, which i know is wrong) I had a fruit cup. For lunch I broke down and went to Wendy's and had a Double with Cheese...but I didn't get any fries. I got a side Caesar salad...which really wasn't a side at all because y'all know i don't eat lettuce stems (which is what Caesar Salads primarily consist of) so after I obsessively picked out all the stems and bacon pieces, added up to maybe 4 whole pieces of lettuce. For dinner, I had Burger King, I think. I don't really remember. *sorry*. A whopper (no cheese), half an order of onion rings, and 1/4 of the fruit punch. At the end of the day, just before your last meal, you're to take 1 Toxin Absorber with 8 oz of organic apple juice, then wait 2 hours and take your last set of Digestive Stimulators before bed. Done. Went to bed not knowing what to expect, but terrified that I'd sh*t on myself in my sleep if, tonight of all nights, I had that damn "pee dream" where I'm peeing in my dream cuz I have to pee so bad in real life, lol. Anyway, I went to bed, prepared for the worst.

Pre-Cleanse, Day 2:

Today, I had to eat 1/2 of the portion size I'd normally eat. Today is also the day I have to monitor my *cringe* bowel activity to make sure I go at least 3-4 times today. So, for breakfast I had 1 piece of toast with Smart Balance, and a fruit cup. I went to work, hoping to not embarrass myself when I had to go to the restroom that first (crucial) time. But, it didn't come....I attributed that to my small breakfast. And so, I waited.
For lunch, I went to Ruby Tuesday and I had 5 wings (which was a true testament to my commitment because them jokers come 12 to an order) and half a plate of salad (oil and vinegar) from the salad bar, with a glass of water. Normally, I'd have a full order of wings, some fries, and a strawberry lemonade. I figured that since I had a lunch that was larger than breakfast, I'd at least go to the bathroom once. But...nothing...again. I was tempted to eat the rest of my wings to encourage my bowels to fill and force me to go....nah, lol, lemme stop bullsh*ttin...I was just lookin for an excuse to eat them damn wings. I ended up taking the rest of 'em home, to have for lunch the next day.
For dinner, I had the strongest desire to pig out on something, anything, just because my mind knew i wouldn't be eating for a long time in a matter of days. I think Michelle and I ended up having McDonald's fries for dinner that night, so i didn't pig out...but i don't normally eat McDonald's so either way it was different, but less than what I'd normally eat. they were SOOOOO FRIGGIN GOOD! By the end of the night, I still hadn't gone to the bathroom ONCE, even though I'd taken my stimulator faithfully. What happened? i referred to the booklet, and it said that no matter how long it took, no matter how many pills it took, I had to get up to 3-4 times a day before I could start the master cleanse. If I wasn't there yet, I needed to take more pills...and that, for some ppl, it took upwards of 10 pills a day. Wait, lol...What da hell?! You got the game twisted if you think I'ma take 10 of ANYTHING called a "Digestive Stimulator" and I'm fresh outta vacation days at work. I'd be in the bathroom ALL DAY! Like, i'd have to move in and start gettin my MAIL in the bathroom, dude. Not gon happen. But, i did up my dosage to 5 instead of 2. And then I prayed. Then I went to bed.

Somewhere around it's-too-damn-dark-outside-and-i'm-too-sleepy-to-check-the-time, I woke up out of a dead sleep and flew to the bathroom. Finally! 5 was my magic number. Back to bed....aaaand up again, about 2 hours later. Whoa. 5 Really was my magic number. *gas face*

Pre-Cleanse, Day 3:

This morning, I woke up and could just sense that it would be a successful day. And it was. I made my required number of trips to the restroom, and I was down to 1/4 of my normal intake of food. 1 Slice of toast for breakfast, no Smart Balance, half a cup of pudding for first snack, 4 wings for lunch, half a fruit cup for second snack, and for dinner, I must admit that I cheated a bit...I had tried to eliminate dairy from my diet early because i knew it would be the one thing I'd have difficulty with. But, Friday night--Day 3--I went to Chili's and Michelle and I ordered Texas Cheese Fries. I had half of those for dinner. It wasn't even a huge order, but I was truly surprised at how fast I got full. And I was training myself to put the fork down when I get full. It was hard, because my habit is to eat until everything is gone...so when the salad came (i dont know what made me think I could eat a full 3 course meal on Day 3), I took a look at it, and then I stared at Michelle, blinking. I took three bites, just cuz i'm used to being greedy, but I felt so foolish afterwards because i wanted to throw it up in the middle of the floor. Instead of sending it away, I asked for a box...again, don't know why cuz this was clearly my last meal of the day, lol. but, old habits are very hard to break, and I could just hear my mother's voice "don't you leave this table until your plate is clean!" so i went ahead and took it home. it did end up being my last meal for the day after all. I finished out day 3 with mixed feelings. Proud that I was doing my best version of sticking to my goals, yet with trepidation about the next 5 days. I decided that it would go smoother if I didn't think about it, just did it. So, I took my absorber, and went to bed. I actually had plans for that evening that I hadn't taken into consideration when I'd taken my last DS and TA...but I ended up not going out anyway, so it worked out for the best.

Lawd...How in the world am I gonna go 5 days without eating food??