Victim #1: Let's call him *Roderick.
Roderick is a tall muscular caramel skinned brotha with intense hazel eyes and, apparently, an appetite for thick beautiful women. At first glance, Roderick appears to have all of his teeth firmly intact, a body to die for, and according to his profile, is an avid Teena Marie fan. Unfortunately for this brotha, i am NOT a teena marie stan, so it's totally lost on me. Anywho, this was Roderick's first email to me:
"Hello I am Roderick. I am originally from philly. I am in DC now. I saw your page, and you caught my attention. I am 6'2" 235 lbs, hazel eyes, and attractive. I am educated and professionally employed. I am also a nice guy, if your interested, get back to me. Thanks"
There's something about that first line that keeps reminding me of Amistad ("Give Us Free!"), but that could just be me. I guess I'm just used to "My name is.." as opposed to "I am..". WHATEVER, I'm probably being way too picky...but would explain why my reply to that first email was "Is this a joke?". He replied no so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. After confirming that his picture and message were, in fact real, Roderick continues with this message:
"I reside right near old town on alexandria. where in alexandria are you located? Are you single, live alone, kids, etc...? What are you attracted to in a man, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually? what are you looking for or open to? what are your likes, dislikes, sexual turn ons, offs, etc...? What puts a smile on your face? what do you do for a living?"
Because I'm me, I tend to analyze things TO DEATH. I wasn't turned off by his choice of questions, but I did find it strange that he threw sex right in with everything else, off the break. I wondered if he was playing his cards a little too soon...But, again, i wasn't turned off...so I replied that I, too, lived in Alexandria; I have a son who's 9 and also plays little league football (his profile mentions that he's a little league football coach); i'm open to meeting someone who's honest, funny, not at all boring, confident, and emotionally strong; sexually, I like to think outside of the box and keep things interesting; my likes and dislikes are too many to list, but I'm an Eagles fan and I've never been to Miami so I'd like to travel there next. <-------my entire response, summarized.
To which he responded, lol:
"Well, as for me. besides an obvious facial and physical attraction, she needs to be intelligent, mentally and emotionally stable, a good listener, and a good heart. She needs to be educated, not neccessarily degree'd, but at least someone with a worldly outlook on life. She needs to be a relatively happy woman. One that is comfortable in her own skin, with her mentality, aswell as her emotions. She needs to be comfortable with her sexuality, as well as have a high drive and appetite. She needs to be giving. In laymens terms, a lady in the street and a slut in the bedroom. Perfection, lol. So, tell me, how do you compare to what I look for? "
Bwahahahaha! I bolded that last question, just because I thought it hilarious that he got right to it. You gotta admire a brotha who doesn't mince words. Haha, he may as well have just said "look, b*tch...are we f*ckin or NOT?" But, I humored him just cuz I ain't got shit else to do, and I replied that, though I didn't think he was looking for anything extraordinary, I did notice how he answered none of the questions that I'd asked him...but was VERY concerned with how I measured up to his standards...and asked if there was any particular reason why he was being so evasive if he was, in fact, as giving as he'd said he was. (SB: now keep in mind, I'm not being selfish by not posting my entire responses, only his. I'm just really long winded and this is already gonna be a long entry so I had to summarize mine.) At this point in the convo, I've asked him what team he coaches for, where he recommends I go in Miami, which hotel he works for, what his movie likes and dislikes are, AND if he's ever been to California? To which he replied:
*giggling @ how stupid men are*
""I have to ask though...What are you into sexually? I mean to say, what do you like to do and have done to you?, ie straight, oral (giving or recieving), anal, positions,etc...?How active are you presently? when was the lasttime?Ok, since I did go there, its only fair to answer as well. Well as far as me, I am into pleasing my partner.I mean its really about her being happy and satified, which includes climaxing as often as possible lolI am old school, if I can't eat it I don't want it. I love to go down on my woman, mmm mmm LOVE IT!!!!,well if I feel her like that.I am open to anything that doesn't involve invading holes in my body lol feel me?I like doggie, 69, being ridden is the best, especially flat footed, deeper penetration that way. I like my woman that likes sex and is very sensual. I also prefer a woman that understands the differences between the ways men and women view sex and love.That understands that if you have a man, not a dog mind you, but a man, that the more he has sex with you, that its actually a good thing. In a world where we as men are some what emotionally repressed, its one of the main ways we show emotion and love, through sexually pleasing our woman thereby getting approval and confidence that she is happy and into us.Most women miss this point,but in truth, if I love my woman, there isn't a moment of any day where I wouldn't rather be inside her, pleasing her than doing anything else.I had the one, but unfortunately for me, or us, she chose otherwise. I can be happy with the right one, and be thrilled if she is all I want, and thats not that hard...." -------------sorry, i had to cut it there because my insides are about to burst if I laugh any harder. I can't TAKE it!!
Wait, wha? What does ANY of that have to do with A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G?? Like, WHO ARE YOU?? Am I being punked??
It concludes with my reply [the only short one besides the first two]:
"Again, still no answers to the questions I've asked you, yet a lot of volunteered information that I did not ask for...which is a bad sign. Thanks, but no thanks.
Take care and good luck in your search for The One.
Goodbye."
Of course, immediately after that, he floods my inbox with a thousand answers to every question I asked, claiming he sent those answers in a second SEPARATE email and doesn't understand why I didn't get that separate email...
*side eye* followed immediately by *small eyes* and then a combination of *boo/hiss/boo!* while *rolling my eyes*. I can't take it. I just can't. All I can do is shake my head....And LMBAO!!
WHEW! I tell you, these guys make me wanna RUN and find a mentor for my son A.S.A.P.
Y'all stay tuned for the next episode where we meet *Brandon, the sensitive and chubby computer guy with a secret behind his smile...
*Name has been changed to protect the
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