Big Love?

Why me, Lord?

This is what I found myself saying after I hung up with Trey the last time. Trey is FINE. I mean FOINNNEE! Like Fionn Childs in high school Fine. I mean like Sean Turnage AFTER high school fine. Ya get it. Dude is FINE. Beautiful teeth, smooth sexy voice with that Harlem accent, light bright as they come with a head full of beautiful black curls. AND he loved to rock fitted caps, just.like.I.like.em.  (Y'all know how I feel about fitted caps) He worked a full time, a part time, AND a thriving side hustle. He had two daughters who lit up his life. He spoke respectfully, never raised his voice, and understood boundaries and personal space. But aside from all of that, the thing I loved and adored about Trey was his honesty. He always told the truth. Always. Even when it hurt. He was a deep thinker, an avid learner of all types of things, always engrossed in a book or a play or WHATEVER. Trey was about his business, and he believed in giving back to the community so he employed the lil young boys on the block from his old neighborhood to give them something to do to stay out of trouble. Trey didn't crowd me, didn't demand loads of my time (though, let's face it, i had it to give. Ain't like i'm doin shit these days...but I digress), and he called me every day just to let me know he thought about me and that he was alive, even if he didn't have all the time in the world to chat. I appreciated that.

Trey was my emotional food. Talking to him about politics (which I never did before Trey), about sex, about love, about family, about the universe, about God, about spirituality, about the state of the Black community (again, something I NEVER used to do), about Home Depot, about roller skating, about EVERYTHING, it stroked me deep down to my emotional center. I could talk to him for hours. Most days, I did. He never got tired of talking and listening, and neither did i. Eventually he'd planned for us to have our first date at a spa where we'd enjoy a couple's massage, lunch, and a day of pampering. He said it was something he'd never done before, and wanted to try it with me. *swoon*

Trey thought I was a beautiful person on the inside, and he appreciated that I was loyal and honest and a hard worker. He could tell I wasn't a bad girl, just a little misguided at times. There was nothing I didn't like about Trey.

Until I discovered that Trey was a polygamist.

Trey had a girlfriend, a very serious girlfriend who he was interested in making his wife. Trey was also on the hunt for a second girlfriend to make his second wife. The day he dropped that bomb on me, I was crushed. Disappointed does the feeling that I felt no justice. I was way beyond disappointed. I'd asked if he had a girlfriend, he said he was seeing someone and it was serious. But, he didn't feel like that should stop him from having all the desires that he--as a man--wanted to indulge himself in. Trey believed that monogamy went totally against a man's nature--hence, all that sperm released during ejaculation--and that no one man could ever be pleased by just one woman. Men are hunters and the hunt does not end when one prey is caught. The hunt is continual. Women, however, had no need to be anything but monogamous. Women, by design, desired security and nurturing and love which can, by his account, be found in one man.
Personally, I thought it was a crock of shit. BUT, I knew immediately that it wouldn't work out. He didn't beg me to not say no; he did, however, put up a very persuasive argument for me at least being open to considering it. After all, I couldn't knock it until I'd at least tried it. Right?

So, I thought about it. For a day. Then, the next day, I had a list of questions for him. The idea of polygamy was very new to me, and I didn't wanna go google that shit and get all freaked out. I wanted to know what polygamy with Trey was like. What should I/could I expect? Was this just a ploy to get me to be his permanent side piece? Does his girlfriend know? What if I wanted to date someone else too? The questions were endless, lol.  Thankfully, we had a rapport that made it so easy and comfortable for me to ask those questions, and get the answers I needed in order to make an informed decision.

Now, before you get all up in arms about him not telling me all this off the bat, in Trey's defense I will say that I didn't ask him, initially. I waited until I got to know him, was totally crushing on him, THEN asked about his status. NOW, in my own defense, I did meet him on POF and his profile lists him as Single and his religion as Other. He explained that like this:  most women are not into polygamy because they're afraid of it based on bad stories they've heard. Most American women have never tried polygamy so they don't know if they can, in fact, be successful at it. And he knows that most women will rule him out without even taking the time to try it first, if he listed himself as in a relationship.

He's not looking for a side piece. He's looking for a loving healthy relationship.  He's looking to meet a dynamic woman whom he can share his life with, and when the time comes that everyone should meet because everyone agrees that this is what they want, there will be a round table meeting/discussion.

*true story. that's what he said.*


Now.  Again, I've never participated in anything like polygamy, ever. But, for the sake of at least being able to call myself open to trying new things, i decided I would try it. I told him i was very nervous and afraid of being neglected and becoming possessive and jealous (which was weird because I'm not even like that in relationships and have, in the past, given a boyfriend or two permission to step out if they needed to) and that i would need time to transition my mind to that way of thinking, but okay. I would try it.

Bwahahahahaha! That shit lasted all of A DAY. I think we talked MAYBE 3-4 more times after that day, but eventually, it died. I think he and the girlfriend lived together because I was not allowed to talk to him at night. He would call me at, say, 9:30/10 at night, and we would talk for a little while. On nights when he worked late, he'd call me on his way home. But, when he'd arrive home, we'd shut it down and not talk again until the next day. There was even one night where he politely (and i do mean politely, it wasn't sarcasm or anything mean, he had a really kind spirit about him) reminded me that I couldn't get too caught up in the idea of having him and his time all to myself because there was someone else.  As long as he was giving me the time I needed, there was no need to be greedy, lol. *laughing hysterically at someone actually saying that to my greedy ass* He said that part of successful polygamy was learning to know your place and stay in that role at all times, to not get caught up in what I wouldn't be getting but to revel in what I WOULD be getting....yeah. He said that. To me.

Yeah dawg, I'ma hit you right back.

*singing Prince's Beautiful Ones*