There. I said it.
Luther was right: Loneliness is such a sad affair. A saaahaaa-haaaa-aaaad affair.
Part of me feels grateful that I have a child because Lord knows he is the only one who leans on me when I feel sad and lonely. He gives great hugs and kisses, and he is the world's funniest 10 year old. I'm laughing just thinking about that fool. And sometimes, when he's outside, he'll call in to check on me and bug me about what I'm doing. I think he's just as bored and lonely as i am :-(. I wish I could tell you that we spend loads and loads of time together, entertaining each other. But I can't, so i won't. he's usually outside playing with his friends, or, now that the pool is open, hanging out at the pool. Whenever he's in the house, it's usually late in the evening, and since we don't have a television, he's constantly complaining about being bored. i can't say I blame him, but it does get annoying.
Its not so much that I need constant companionship like I'd find in a boyfriend. i would just like to not have to play games with someone to get to spend time with them. I'm not good at playing games with guys, not when it comes to dating. I miss being able to call someone over to cook for, or to watch a movie with, or to meet for a game of tennis without having to pretend I don't like it. Every new guy i meet, he's either too boring and square or moves at a complete snail's pace. Dating has entirely too many rules for my tastes, and I'm no good at it. I just wanna skip all da bullshit, and get to it already!! Not to it 'the sex' but it the good part of getting to know ppl. Internet dating is beginning to make me realize that I work much better in person. i can't do email tag, i can't do the "lets wait and see if she's crazy so I'm not gonna give her my phone number just yet" game, and I sure as hell wanna be able to check allll his damn teeth before I agree to anything. Hmph.
I finally got around to reading The Coldest Winter Ever this past weekend, and it was just as good as everyone said it would be. The special edition I read included a reader's guide in the back of the book; it broke down all the characters, did character and relationship analysis, and there was a question and answer section, too. I must admit, urban stories frighten me. They always have. I was completely intimidated by this book so, in an effort to prepare myself (as well as stall), I read the reader's guide before the actual novel. The jury's still out on whether or not that was a good move, but it definitely helped me to understand things I otherwise wouldn't have. I have a great friend, Arlene, who notoriously reads book endings before starting books, juuuuust to make sure the ending is worth sitting through the beginning. LOL. I know, I *smh* too. But it serves her purpose. I only cheated a tiny bit, and read the last page before starting. even if the last page hadn't given the ending away, the reader's guide would have so nothing was majorly ruined. I enjoyed reading about Winter's escapades. her life was continually filled with drama and chaos; in that way, i related to her. There was just ALWAYS something going on. That was about where the similarities ended.
One of the relationship analyses that I read in the guide talked about Winter's relationship with her mother. Specifically, what her mom did/didn't teach her about womanhood. I found that, even while deeply engrossed in reading the novel, I would flip to the guide and read that analysis again. not for the purpose of understanding, but because it spoke to me so deeply that I couldn't stop thinking about what she'd written.
Basically she explains 1. Why Mrs. Santiago is the only character in the book with no first name, and 2. What sorts of things Mrs. Santiago SHOULD have taught Winter, as her mother. Things Winter would need to know about how to be a woman, how to choose a man, how to be a good choice for a good man, etc.
These are the sorts of things no one ever said to me as a young girl, things I wish someone had just taken the time to just say out loud, with sincerity. My mother and I used to argue all the time about things she did and didn't teach me. She complained that I was so stubborn, I wouldn't have listened anyway so she didn't bother. I would agree that, yes, I was very stubborn but I did listen. Practically all my friends' parents were influential in my younger years. Shit, they HAD to be! My parents were too busy being themselves to bother with imparting any wisdom into my life. Candice's mom was my nurturer, Renata's father was my daddy who spoiled me and gave me self esteem, Kede's parents were the cool parents who took me places and introduced me to cultures, events, things I would otherwise not have seen. Even Tishonda's mom Crazy Daisy--who, it is important to note, I did not ever agree with nor whose ways I ever understood--encouraged me to stand up for myself and learn to have some boundaries. Throughout my childhood, I had tons of friends whose parents I was uber close to,especially the moms. I just didn't have that relationship with my mom. I couldn't ask her questions, couldn't tell her shit, couldn't do nothing but wash the damn dishes and stay outta her face. Now, to be clear, my mother did not have a drug problem that i knew of. I think she just didn't wanna be bothered with me because I was a handful, and she was not a teacher.
If the book wasn't a library book, I'd rip the page out and hang it on my wall. As depressed and lonely as I've been feeling lately, it is the first thing in a LONG TIME that gotten thru the fog that my existence has become. it just hit me, literally, like a big ass bag of donuts. I said to myself "so THAT'S what you're supposed to do?? how does she know this stuff??" Essentially, she said to me what I'm assuming most women already know: I should spend some time alone and get to know me, who I am, what i like, what i stand for, what i believe, and what my standards truly are. Maybe I'm spending far too much time running away from this alone time. Maybe I should use it to "find myself". WTF does that mean anyway?
What sorts of things does one do when one finds themself? I think it means "Alandria, get a life."
Hmmmm.......
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