And I am not sure what to do about it. So many people say that prayer is the answer. But, when I pray, I don't feel better. Which makes me feel like perhaps I'm doing it wrong. I do believe in God. I believe that God is all powerful and all knowing, and makes things happen in my life. But, honestly, sometimes--MOST times, in fact--i feel forgotten by God. I feel left to figure this thing out on my own. And if I were completely alone, I'm sure it would be less scary. But, having a child that you must teach and train, guide and nurture when you, yourself, don't have much to go on....is debilitating. I mean, what do you do?? When I had the freedom to just stumble thru life and figure it out as I went, I was completely cool with that. But, now, that is not an option.
When I pray, all I hear is silence afterward. Deafening, terrifying, depressing.
And I always wondered: What about the people who do believe in God? Who or what do they believe in? I feel that everyone needs something to believe in, but if it's not a deity, then what is it? the Universe?
Ok, so lets say I believe in the Universe (as a separate entity from the Christian God). How do I talk to the Universe? How will it talk to me? How will we communicate? Is it all just The Secret? is it all really TRULY just energy and motion? Does it only work if you believe in it, like say, the lotto? Or is it real, and working, even if you don't believe...like karma? Or...is karma part of the Universe? I'm getting confused. :-/
All I know right now is that I am searching for something that makes sense out of the chaos in my world these days. Dating is not working because i can feel the disconnection, and that makes me feel not ready. I feel it's unfair to try to strike up anything new with anyone new when i know i'm a spiritual mess. I can't quite say I'm looking for an easy way out because i don't believe I am. i'm just looking for something that resonates with me, something that makes me say "ugh, FINALLY! YES!! Now, at least PART of this makes some sense" instead of constantly (and I do mean CONSTANTLY) feeling like every single thing is falling apart around me, and I should just let it because i can't make any sense out of why it's happening.
D says that when i feel like this, I should just change my channel. Switch from this negative energy to a channel where I'm giving and receiving positive energy. Uh, right. Lemme get back to you on that.
Reading and then watching The Secret didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. i think the problem is believing. What do you do when you're tired of believing in shit? what happens? It's chaos, that's what happens. Your focus is lost, your drive just speeds off, your will to live or do anything else withers. You can't tell the difference between light and dark because it all just looks dark. You don't wanna talk to anyone, or answer the phone. There's guilt, and shame, and as vain as I am, there's disinterest in your personal appearance. total and complete Chaos. Change channels my ass. Where's my damn remote??
This is some ole bullshit. I'll be glad when it passes.
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