into nothingness sometimes. A few weeks ago, my boss informed all of us that our little company isn't doing so well financially, and that our jobs are in jeopardy. Not immediate jeopardy, but soon enough, we would all need to have something else locked down. He explained that we "have time" (read: a few months) but that we should definitely start looking. A few days later, he comes to me, jumping for joy (literally) because one of our customers has offered to buy us out of our partnership with our mother company, which meant we would be able to keep our jobs. He asked if I would stay and work for him if that merger went through. i told him that I would. No one's spoken of it since then. I made the decision to stay because 1. I'm loyal to my boss and this company, because he has been loyal to me as an employee, and 2. Low salary aside, this job is the perfect job for me and I hate to walk away from it.
Fast forward to this week, just this past Monday. I started reading some new books and one of them really made me think about my ideals and values and standards for my life. I began to wonder when they'd become so low. I have a 10 year old son by a man who is currently not paying child support. I live in government subsidized housing (honestly, though, i didn't realize it until about 2 months ago). I have no car. My savings is dwindling. This country is in the middle of one of the worst economic states it's seen SINCE TIME BEGAN.
And here I am seriously considering loyalty to a job that pays me just enough money to live a hairsbreadth above the poverty line. Where dey do dat at?? The answer could be that I'm afraid to make the transition to something different. My mind is immediately besieged with "What ifs", acne shows up on my face, and i begin to drink sodas. LOL. Dead serious. A few months ago, before there were talks of bankruptcy and mergers, I began drinking sodas (again). that should have been my first clue. But, I ignore the sign, and kept passing it off as a 'thing i was going thru'. Now here we are months later, i'm being -- essentially-- forced to face a transition I'll have to make, and i'm already about 2,000 sodas in, i haven't worn makeup in a while because of my acne, and i spend about 5 hours total each day avoiding the "what ifs" in my mind. I think part of me is using depression as an excuse not to deal with things. i tell myself "once i feel better, i will deal with it."
God has given me the advantage of knowing ahead of time that I will need to transition soon. And I am wasting it because of fear. There are plenty of situations that I can convince myself I can take my time to sort out. Finding a new job and possibly new housing are not part of that group of situations. I need to at least START making a feasible plan for that, right now. That said, I still don't want to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much at a time...because i WILL shut down, and end up looking crazy when I have no plan of action in a few months. Just yesterday, my boss gave me a ride to the bank. During the ride, he told me he was leaving early to take his wife to a job interview in DC. I was floored! His wife hasn't worked since I've been here! I take that back. She's worked but she's been a stay at home mom, and she's been a travel agent; she just didn't get paid for it. the fact that she now has to go out and get a job should have been enough to shake me free of the cobwebs and fly into motion with a plan. I can't say that I FLEW...but that info did seep in through the fog, and i do now see that this shit is real. Loneliness and depression aside, I need to come up for air long enough to take care of my business. the business of providing for myself and my child; the business of not getting eaten alive by debt; the business of surviving, progressing to living comfortably, then ultimately living successfully. I've been in survival mode for all of my life. Maybe this is God's way of nudging me into seeing that I have a genuine opportunity to do something authentic with my life, if I use the time and resources I have at my disposal. This is a chance to break the bad habit of procrastinating and see some real results by doing the opposite.
This transition is no less scary than any other. But i cannot deny that it is a huge blessing to have forewarning. Most people who are losing jobs each day (and there are millions of them) don't have that blessing. They show up for work, work a full day, then have no job by the end of that same day, forced to go home with nothing. I'm in a prime position right now.Yesterday I was inspired to do some things by articles I read on Rich Single Momma. I found the info, I allowed it to inspire me, but then I didn't do anything with it. This time, I will follow through to completion.
So let me go get on it. I will report back later with what I came up with.
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